Consumed with pain at other people’s joy and feel so terrible about it

[GinaG678]

I lost my baby boy a couple of months ago at 22 weeks. It feels like all around me there are pregnant women and new mums. Literally. Everywhere.
It feels so unfair and so cruel that I have to put this pretend happiness into action. And stand by while all the people who expressed how sorry they were for my loss just gush with excitement at all the new arrivals. The pain is just unbearable. On top of feeling this way I also feel so guilty for not being able to truly feel happy for others. I can’t explain how painful it is to have to sit and watch messages of congratulations roll in for people while I sit here with an empty tummy and a grave to visit instead of a bundle of joy. It hurts so much and I hate hate hate this feeling

Oh darling, I couldn't see your post and not comment, although I can't imagine what you're going through. You have every right to grieve- I honestly think those gushing around you are being selfish. Although you can't stop people doing that perhaps there are a few things to do to protect yourself. Firstly, if you have not already come off social media, FB will sadly be full of reminders of what you have lost. Second, be honest with people and explain why you need to withdraw from some conversations. Are you getting councilling? It may help to talk to a professional as well as the father or a close friend. Give yourself permission to fully mourn for a set amount of time per day but don't let it consume you. Have set times where you do something you love. You'll get through this. Be strong, but don't forget you can lean on others. Xxx

Thank you for your kind message.
I haven’t come off social media but I know that’s definitely one of the worst places and need to limit it. It’s just that even in my own life so many people close to me are having babies or expecting. I know it’s so stupid to feel this way but I literally feel that they’re trying to hurt me. Of course they’re not, but I just wish some people would be more understanding and empathetic. I have made a huge effort to not make it awkward or difficult for them given what happened to me, and I don’t want to take anyone else’s happiness away. But feel I would just love them to say ‘thank you for your support - I know this must be really tough for you and I’m thinking about what you must be feeling too’. But no one does. My close friend Just told me via text last night that her sister is expecting and so she will have her hands full baby sitting. This is the same friend who’s shoulder I cried on when I gave birth to my angel. But not an ounce of thought given to that fact that it must be painful for me to hear of other people having babies. Especially as she’s due two months after I was, so it all just feels so unfair. My baby should be here and thriving by the time she has hers but instead he never got a chance.

I can’t get over the fact that late miscarriage is such a small chance. I’m sick of people saying ‘it’s so common’ because it’s not. It’s 1-2 percent and how could I have fallen into that. I feel I’m going mad with bitterness and jealousy. It’s so horrible to feel this way. I think because I haven’t had post mortem results back yet, I’m in limbo as we can’t try again yet until we know what happened and whether it may affect us again. So until I can focus on trying to get pregnant again, I’m just in agony. Nothing will ever replace my beautiful boy, but at least I could have hope that he might send me his brother or sister.

I think people feel uncomfortable with it, but if you are direct they'll get the message. Sometimes they're just thoughtless- I know I said something without thinking about it to a friend with fertility problems. Did you have a name for your little boy? Perhaps you could get a memories box made up for him and write him a letter every week for a set amount of time (i.e give yourself active grieving time till trying again) go to key places you remember being pregnant with him today goodbye. I really feel for you not having any answers- I hope it does give you some kind of closure. Is there someone you can talk to? Xx

@GinaG678 I am so sorry for what you have gone through (I have only just read this thread so apologies for the late reply) I know exactly how you feel. On 14th July I went for my 12 week scan to be told that my baby had died at 6 weeks and I then miscarried naturally on 19th July. Ever since I miscarried it seems like I have seen nothing but pregnancy announcements, gender reveals and pictures of pregnant women holding their bumps. I can’t help but feel so angry at the world as to why we can’t be in that position. I feel like it’s getting so exhausting and upsetting constantly congratulating friends and family on their bundles of joy but I feel so guilty at the same time for feeling this way towards them. It helped me to remove myself from all social media for now to just focus on myself rather than what the rest of the world is doing. Maybe try that also? It really does help. There is so much hope for the future and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone I’m how you feel xxxx

I'm so sorry you lost your precious boy. I've got friends who have had losses and I always try and be sensitive. Sometimes I find it hard to know what to say for the best. I know it must be so hard but speak out and say you're struggling. Sending love!

@GinaG678 I had a MC five months ago and find myself constantly retreating from any kind of baby chat. I just am not able to cope with it. I am, of course, happy for those who have happy news but I am allowed to feel happy for them while at the same time being sad for me. But it does feel very one sided - like I am expected to smile And cheer at their news but I’ve not to expect anything in return. I can only really liken it to some kind of victim shaming.

I have noticed, even within my own close circle, A severe lack of sensitivity. Unless you’ve been through it I think it is difficult to grasp how deeply sad you are. I remember telling two friends about my MC and someone saying ‘aw that’s such a shame but at least you can have wine!’ The other nodded along which made me feel like I was overreacting. My sister suggested a tv show where a woman has multiple miscarriages and ultimately steals a baby. I was flabbergasted. When I gently told her why it may not have been a good recommendation she genuinely didn’t get it - but that was ages ago, are you still sad about that? My SIL was 8 months alone and insisted I socialise with her while I was MCing.

Because of this shame of feeling sad about something I never had I don’t think I have really dealt with my MC. So now like @TheBuffster says I’ve been much more direct with people, I’ve had a few eyerolls, a few gasps and it’s made me feel terrible but it’s the only way I’ve managed to get the point across.

All I can say is - you are not alone. I’m with you, I feel angry with you, I feel this overwhelming feeling of injustice with you. And I am sorry.

@Waterisfine I needed to read this also, and thank you. I would never wish this apon anyone but it does make you feel better knowing that you're not alone in these dark times. My friend has recently had a baby (I would have been finding out the sex of my baby this month) so she know's how heartbroken I am, although she still started the telephone conversation with "my back is killing me" to that I replied "why's that?" for her to tell me that she thinks its because she keeps "picking up the baby" I had to laugh it off and thought to myself 'why would you even want to tell me that when you know what I'm going through??' I feel like I would be so much more mindful of what I said around someone who has had a MC. Even my cousin has just sent me a picture of her 12 week scan. Why?? its like I cant escape from it all. I don't think they do this intentionally but its extremely insensitive I agree. So I wanted to let you know that you're also not alone I feel this pain everyday. We will all get our Rainbow Babies soon xxx

You poor thing of course your still grieving you need time to heal and lots of time, you are not a bad person at all, 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐