When will I start feeling better?

[EssentialHummus]

I feel embarrassed writing this given that so many women go through much worse, but here goes.

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks or so, a few months ago. I was fine at the time. I’m not fine now.

The baby was very much wanted but it was a 50/50 thing about whether to TTC - my husband was useless and unsupportive with our first (now a toddler) but I thought we’d give it a go and if need be separate down the line. We’re well off and I’d just come to terms with hiring in the (cooking/care) help I couldn’t rely on him for. With the pregnancy over we were at each other’s throats, I was a hair away from instructing a divorce lawyer, and we're now in therapy.

A casual friend announced her pregnancy recently, due when I’d been due. It caught me off-guard, hurt me like a physical punch and I haven’t really recovered since - I’m sad and teary and it’s on my mind all the time. My closest friend has also now (of course) announced that she is pregnant. I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to continue the friendship, even though losing it would be a big deal to me and to our daughter. I've told her I need a break but I think that break might be forever.

There’s lots of other stuff, but that’s the crux of it. When when whenand how will this all start to feel less raw?

@EssentialHummus it sounds like your grief was delayed and the announcements have bought it to the surface. People do have it “much worse” but they aren’t you. Comparing grief doesn’t make you feel any less upset or devastated, in fact it just makes you feel worse because you’re telling yourself that you aren’t allowed to deal with your grief.

I had a missed miscarriage, the baby never made it past 6 weeks but in my body and my mind I was 10 weeks. Is my grief any less deserving than yours? We created a life and we made plans and created a future around our pregnancy, at any point that is taken away is devastating. The day before my D&C, my best friend told me she is expecting their second, our babies would have been 1 month apart. She also knew what i was about to go through. I cried, a lot, I told her how I was feeling and we’re currently on a break. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed her or thought about her and her being pregnant. I think explaining and accepting how I feel started the healing process.

You have to allow yourself to feel it. Write it down, say it out loud, paint all the words you feel - do whatever it takes to get it out so you can start to accept how you feel and move forward. X

Thank you, katie. I've read your message a few times over the course of today. Thank you for replying. You're almost certainly right. It's quite hard to access that grief, iyswim, and move through it, but I think I have to.

@EssentialHummus good luck in healing. Be kind to yourself x

Hi @EssentialHummus, I'm so so sorry for your loss and you are feeling the way many of us feel who have had a miscarriage. It is grief for your future, a future child, a future sibling, grief for your little bump that you imagined growing and for the baby you lost. And it's normal to not want to celebrate or even be present as a friends pregnancy progresses, when yours has not. I think the pregnancy length following a miscarriage is filled with heartache, I know mine is. I had a mmc in April at 10 weeks and my experience has been in some ways a 'just get on with it' attitude from certain friends and I've chosen to distance myself from a lifelong friend as a result. As for your husband, its good you are in therapy and hopefully you can be open to how you feel, but do give yourself time to heal before making any major decisions. A massive life change while you are grieving is hard. Look after yourself. Wishing you all the very best xx