i can't move on with my life. (18yrs old, miscarried at 9wks)

[pixiella]

hi, im just posting because me dp has gone to sleep and im just feeling really down and i don't want to wake him to cry about the same old things...

(here the link to my original post which has my 'story' in it: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1367/381774?ts=1191108935783)

i took a pregnancy test this evening and it was a big fat negative...was hoping so much it would be positive so i could be happy again and tell my dp and see the ecstatic look on his face...

we're not even really trying to concieve - it's just every month i think i might be pregnant and hope i am... but we're too scared to properly try i guess. although we're not really taking proper precautions against it either.

i used to be so sure of what i wanted for my life but since the miscarriage in April I have no idea what I want anymore except that I desperately want a baby. i think about it every single day. im obsessed with babies, it's ridiculous - i feel so pathetic...im buying little baby clothes & im not even pregnant. :'(

i wish i was though, my body seems so useless and sh*t now. i hate it more than i ever did before.

i can't move on with my life with this sadness, when i'm always feeling as if something's missing...everything else seems insignificant in comparison to wanting to be a mum and hold my baby in my arms. (like i should have been sometime around this month or the next).

i can't make the decisions to go to uni,i don't even know what i want to study anymore! i can't save up for travelling or even get a full-time job. i don't know what to do with myself.

please help!

Poor sweetheart. Just wanted to give you a big hug if you are still up.

I think most of us here know that desperate longing for a baby.. but just think, you have all those lttle potential babies still inside you, and one day most likely one or more of them will be born, some future day. So you have to stay strong for them and try to think forward, while never forgetting the LO who didn't stay here very long.

Hope you get some sleep now.

Desperatley sorry, have you tried counselling or any of the support groups, it really helps to talk to people who really know and understand.

Please take courage from what JustJules is saying, sadly she knows what she is talking about.

Big hugs. I have no word of wisdom. Take care sweetheart.

Your message made me feel so helpless, give yourself time to grieve and get over this. you will recover and you will have a baby and when it happens you will be ready.

Finding support through people who have been there maybe what you need. Listen to jules and contact her.

if you need to cry then cry and do it with your DP as i am sure he needs to be with you on this.

Look after yourself ((((((hugs)))))))

thank you so much everyone for all your messages of support, it really means so much...and im so sorry about everything you've all been through aswell. i think i will try some counselling because i've never had any - wasn't given any advice about it, or coping or bereavment when i left the hospital, just booting right out with some painkillers.
but then again i suppose they see it every day don't they?.

anyway thank you so much for your support, i do feel brighter this morning knowing that loads of other women know what im going through and that im not alone.

i also did wake up my dp and have a little cry to him and he didn't mind.

thanks, take care, lots of love xxxxxxx

Hi Pixiella

I'm sorry you are still finding it so hard, and i'm sorry for your loss.

i think the way you are feeling is completely normal, we all think that getting pg again will take away all the pain, but it is much better to get over your loss a little before trying again. Part of the problem is the hormones and the grief. I understand the desperate longing for a baby, I had 2m/c before ds1 and then another m/c before ds2. It has been a very bumpy ride.

I think you do need to make some plans, I think sex education makes us think we all get pg at the drop of a hat, but it's not true most of us have to chart cycles then do it exactly on ovulation days, and even then it might take a couple of months.

My best advice would be to make a plan, maybe you could decide to try in a couple of months. I know it seems like a baby is all you want right now, but you can also enjoy your life too. I got involved in making things going out and doing everything that can be hard with kids- travel, dinners out, etc.

I think this is important because it gives you back a little control in your life, when everything feels like it has been taken out of our control.

I hope that helps a little,
You will hold a baby one day soon.

thanks for the link to miscarriage association., i'll try that.

the thing is i hear that you never 'get over' losing a baby ...i know the initial hormones are gone because i had the m/c in April and it's now October, but am I supposed to have 'got over it' by now? All my friends and family seem to think so.....

and yeah you're right, i do have good days and bad days and half and half days. the main thing is that i can't move on with my life...i used to have all these plans and dreams and i don't even know if they mean the same to me anymore.

i've never been at a time in my life when there wasn't a 'plan'... it was school,college,travelling,uni,career,marriage,kids. in that order. and now it's all messed up and my priorities have changed, I think I've even changed as a person.

The most frustrating thing is that I'm 18....I earn £180 a month at the moment ! My dp has the potential to provide a good salary but not a great one...I desperately want to have a baby NOW but I don't know if we can afford to !
We were offered so much support when I was pregnant from my family and his family but im not sure if it'd be the same if I got pregnant again 'on purpose' you know that i mean?
Before it was an accident so everyone just rallied round and was like 'don't worry we'll do this and that and buy you this and help you out with that' as if we were poor disadvantaged teenagers, but it a baby was planned this time, we might just be left to it and left on our own which I'm scared of !!

lol OH my god i need to stop rambling. xxxxxxxx

hi pixiella

im 22 and i have recently been through the same thing. i found out i was preg 28th sep ofcourse over ther moon as it was my first and bf extatic. had some pain so went to hospital. they booked me in for a scan 3rd oct and it was not good news. babies heartbeat had stopped 6wks 4days. i was so upset i didnt no what to do. i had an ERCP yesterday and when i come round i just felt empty. my bf was very upset as he so wanted a baby and i felt i couldnt give him that. we spoke to the midwife who said there was nothing we could of done it was just natures way of saying there was something wrong and it wasnt our time. this made me feel better and we are now going to try for a baby. my best friend said to me after if looking back hurts and looking forward scares you look beside you and you will always have me in time things will get better. just with her saying that to me helped me so much and made me feel stronger in myself. 6mths is not a long time at all i feel. but i feel better when i talk about it.

uni sounds great!
but obviously if your not up to it you wont concentrate and you can always start next year?

im here if you need to talk