MC number 3 & OH say not trying again
TJ876 · 07/07/2020 16:07
I'm at a complete loss. We had our 3rd MC 6 weeks ago and I got bloods taken this morning to see if they see the cause.
Last night, OH said he's made a decision based on what's best for him and he won't try again, he doesn't want children anymore and if I can't deal with that then I need to realise this relationship isn't right for me anymore. He has one already (19yo) and I was always unsure if I wanted kids, until i met him and actually got pg. he says he doesn't want to be an old dad, which I get. He says he made the decision 6 weeks ago. Ergo he's had 6 weeks to think about his decision and just sprung it on me last night.
I'm almost 32, he's just 41 (9yrs) we've been together 2.5 years and we were due to get married in Italy in June (thanks COVID). However, we have rescheduled the wedding for somewhere local in 5 WEEKS TIME. it's not a legal wedding as we hadn't realised the celebrant we booked wasn't legal and then we couldn't get a registrar by the time we realised so have planned to nip into the registry office to make it official whenever they have a space.
I know I have to make my own decision but what are your thoughts? Do I go through with this wedding and hope my younger self's dislike for children returns or do I cut my losses now and let everyone down? Or do I hope that he's just having a post-MC meltdown and will get over it?
Lightofthephoenix · 07/07/2020 16:24
I would not be going ahead with the wedding in 5 weeks time.
jessstan2 · 07/07/2020 16:32
What Lightofthephoenix said.
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2020 16:52
I’m so sorry for your losses
You can’t marry him in 5 weeks, even if it’s not legal. You’re in different places now and need to resolve all of that before committing yourself further. Is he really expecting you to go ahead and tie yourself to him when he’s changed his mind about having children, about you getting the chance to be a mum - the biggest non-negotiable there is - just like that?
You’re both in shock and grieving, of course you are. And in the wake of shock or tragedy it’s unwise to make big decisions. You need to calmly, gently, kindly unpick what you’re both thinking and feeling. Calling off the wedding isn’t making a big decision, it’s just taking a breather while you reassess.
Have you been refereed to a clinic for recurrent miscarriage? Is that who’s doing your bloods? I really hope you get some answers. The not knowing is awful. Having said that, they never found out the reason for mine and I got lucky with a consultant who was willing to throw every drug he could at me till something worked and a pregnancy stuck. I’m also a step mum, DH DC are much younger than yours, and if he’d expected me to devote my life to helping him bring up his kids while denying me the chance to have my own because it was harder than we’d expected I’d have had to seriously consider whether a future with him was going to work. As your step so is so much older that might be much less of an issue, but it’s still the case that he’s already a dad and seems to think he can now decide you don’t get to be a mum. That’s a lot to deal with.
Sending you sympathy and a hand hold
zafferana · 07/07/2020 16:55
I would cancel the wedding too. It's just too soon for you to know whether this bombshell from him is a deal breaker for you or not. Don't let the pressure of 'letting people down' force you into doing something you're no longer sure is right for you. Since it's not even a legal wedding it seems rather pointless anyway.
for your losses. Take some time OP to decide what YOU want, since he's made it clear what HE wants.
HeeeeyDuggee · 07/07/2020 16:58
I’m sorry for you losses
Please do reconsider marrying him. He’s sprung a big life decision on you and a marriage now wouldn’t work well. You need time to talk and think about your options.
You need to make a decision what’s best for you
TJ876 · 07/07/2020 17:11
Thanks for your replies ladies. I just don't know where my head's at right now. He says each MC has chipped a little of me away.... 😭
Zaf I see what you mean bout the wedding being pointless anyway but it was meant to be legal and then turned into a nice occasion, a party for all the guests who booked Italy and were let down by that being cancelled. To anyone else it'll seem like a real wedding just won't be legal.
I can't imagine starting over and getting to the point where I'd want to start trying with someone else. Is that a ridiculous way to look at it?
zafferana · 07/07/2020 17:17
Okay, I'll put it another way - do you still want to marry him? Because with him springing the news on you only last night that he no longer wants to have DC with you, do you know right now that you'll be okay with that? Is losing him a much worse fate for you than losing out on the possibility of having DC?
If the answer is 'I don't know, I need time to think', then my (and everyone else's) advice, stands.
TJ876 · 07/07/2020 17:23
In fact I might not want to try with someone else. Or I mightn't be able to have them no matter who it's with.
I've finally met someone (well I've known him for much longer than we've been together) and I think "this is it, wow, let's give kids a go!" And then it's too hard and he changes his mind, telling me he's giving me choices - stay and no kids or go find someone who wants kids..
Am I looking at this wrong ; should the most important thing be that we have each other?!
jessstan2 · 07/07/2020 17:24
Not ridiculous, understandable because you have built a life together but you are still young.
Until you ae investigated you won't know why you've had three miscarriages (and you haven't said how early they were); some people do and then go on to have two children.
I don't blame your fella for not wanting to go through it again, even though you have been through more than him, but he has a child and that's sufficient for him.
If you stay with the guy you will probably resent him for not trying to have a baby and will feel wistful about what might have been.
Whereas you could meet someone really nice next year who doesn't have kids and would like to settle down and have a couple. That's not going to happen with your present man.
Two and a half years together is not that long in the scheme of things, it will be much harder after five years.
Cancel your wedding, legal or not.
Aria2015 · 07/07/2020 17:26
I'm sorry for your losses. Personally, I'd say postpone getting married and give things a bit of time. I've had multiple miscarriages and last year I told my husband I was done and 100% didn't want to try again. I was very sure at the time. I told close friends and family (to avoid them asking). 6+ months later I started to think that actually, I'd give it one last shot and now I'm pregnant again. I'm not saying your partner will change his mind but it's possible. I've definitely been in a place where it just didn't make sense for me to put myself through the stress and upset again. But ultimately time made me feel differently. Perhaps give it a bit more time and if by the end of the year he has not changed his mind, consider what you want to do in terms of the future.
TJ876 · 07/07/2020 17:34
All three were in the 8th week ; 7+3 7+5 & 7+6. But all were Mmc, about 10 weeks.. we talked before the 3rd and agreed that we knew we had to get through the 3rd before they'd test me and then we'd maybe have some answers going fw. Now, after #3, he's changed his mind.
SnuggyBuggy · 07/07/2020 17:37
Cancel OP. If you do decide to stay together you can always marry later. If you don't stay together you don't have to go through a divorce.
ineedaholidaynow · 07/07/2020 17:43
If it is not a legal wedding are you actually allowed a gathering?
I wouldn't go ahead with it anyway, you both need to be in the same place where children are concerned.
I am sorry for your losses
cantsaynotocake · 07/07/2020 18:06
I think your OH is struggling a lot more than let on with how difficult it is going through the miscarriages, and maybe isn't in a good head space YET to start trying again. I'm sure he is hoping you stay but doesn't want to feel he's holding you back. I would definitely put the wedding off for now while you work through some difficult decisions x
Onceuponatimethen · 07/07/2020 18:14
I’m so sorry about your losses. I have mc too so have some idea of how painful it is.
I think you need to separate out all the different things here
- you are both grieving and neither of you is in the position to make any final decisions about whether to try for another pg
- it’s not the right time for you to get married. Everyone will understand given your mc if you want to postpone
- until you have investigations you won’t know if there is a clear cause eg blood clotting issues. You both need to know that before any decisions can be made
- if after time has passed he feels the same then you will need to decide whether to stay with him
Please do get support in RL if you can - is there anyone you can talk to about all this?
yukka · 07/07/2020 19:31
I had recurrent mcs and tests showed I had a treatable clotting disorder. I think your question about being happy with just him - I don't think after 2.5 years that's long enough to really feel that way, especially after what you have now been through together.
You really clearly want to be a mum, and if he doesn't want to father more children any more, then he's right, you should end the relationship.
You are only 32. You have time to find someone who wants the same as you and will properly support you through distress - saying the mcs have chipped away at you is horrible. Of course they have. It's like he's blaming you for how he feels?
Don't lose hope on being a mum, but do reconsider this relationship. If you can't be sure soon, postpone the wedding to give you time to clear your head.
That said - he's had 6 weeks of private thinking about his feelings. He won't change his mind. In your shoes, I'd be packing up to save any further pain for me.
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2020 19:54
MMC is so cruel, the sense of disbelief that’s it’s happened AGAIN with no sign is impossible to understand if you haven’t gone through it. I feel for you so much. When I had my second MMC I didn’t even cry when they told us. We were at the RMC and had had two good scans so were feeling pretty optimistic and when she did the “I’m so sorry Anne...” I think I said an undignified “oh for fucks sake, not again! Right, can you please book me in asap”. She forgave my language and was relieved I hadn’t fallen apart on her, they’re the loveliest people. It fucking sucks.
As others have said, tests may show an easily fixable issue with staying pregnant. The stage yours have happened could definitely indicate a clotting disorder which is stopping your placentas from developing as they should.
I don’t know how you feel, probably hugely battered, fearful, pained and sad, but while I hated the pointless feeling of trying again anticipating more losses, each one made me long for a take home baby more. We didn’t give up, DH having kids already didn’t make him less desperate for one with me, we were lucky to be in the same place mentally about it.
At the time we were having loss after loss I didn’t stop to think about how he really felt about what I was going through, I was understandably wrapped up in my own pain and the physical experiences. We talked a lot, always have, but it was only when we had a bit of an unplanned break as it took nearly a year to conceive again that we talked about how hard he’d found it watching me go through them. He wasn’t making it about him, but with one of mine he genuinely thought I might die and was pretty traumatised by having seen me in so much pain and it took ages for him to be able to share all of that.
6 weeks is early days, you’re still healing and your head will be a mess. It’s not great that he’s been sitting on his decision and it’s something else upsetting you’re now having to deal with. But I don’t think it means he won’t change his mind.
If he does, you might benefit from counselling to have a safe space for you to talk about what you’ve been through together. If he doesn’t, you’ll be at a crossroads and have some serious thinking of your own to do. It might be that even though you were ambivalent before, the experience of being pregnant 3 times means you know the joy and hope of expecting a baby and decide you really want to be a mum. That’s as much about you as it is about you wanting children with him. You need to give that some thought but there’s no great rush.
I really would call off the wedding. There’s too much else going on. So many people later regret going ahead with something so significant for fear of letting other people down. Yes they missed out on Italy and that’s crap, yes you’ll have paid deposits and it might be a lovely day, but no you don’t have to marry someone who’s changed the course of your whole life and ripped away a big part of your hopes and dreams, without even discussing it for a month and a half. It’s a party for your guests, it’s your life.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.