I just wanted to share (possible triggers)

[SarahJane30]

Today is the first 24hours I have stopped bleeding......and in that 24hours of knowing that horrible ordeal is over. I now feel empty.
For the past 3weeks + I have cried and bled. My partner and I have been trying for the past two years since our last miscarriage. I haven't got great fertility, so we are kind of winging it.
I already have an 8 year old son (with a different dad). Obviously he has absolutely no idea what's happened, but he knows something is up.
Lockdown has been stressful I am home schooling my son (with my partner but he has just gone back to work). I also have my Nan living with us as she's blind and dependant on me to give her her medications, drive her to her hospital appointments, cook/clean and do other personal ailments. Her husband passed away August 2019, my dad has been a wreck since. But slowly he's getting there. Basically when he passed away the whole world of our little family came crashing down.
To be honest with you all, I have had enough of it all. I am hurting as I have just gone through this and I have to deal with all of that as well.
I didn't know what to write on here I have never done this before but I really needed to vent, coz nobody seems to actually ask me for anything they just assume I will do these things. People ask if I'm OK, but don't really give me the time to open up.
I suffer from BPD, complex PTSD, depression and Fibromyalgia. Things get tough for me and I know I can be a difficult person to cope with too. My partner genuinely has been incredible and has been doing his best to keep me grounded. But we haven't had time to ourselves let alone grieve. My home is constantly full of people.
There are so many thoughts and feelings going through my head I don't know how to let it out. I can't talk on the phone about it to professionals coz I live in a 2 bed flat and the walls are thin.
I want to scream, cry and grieve. The day after I found out I was pregnant I started bleeding. I was 5-6 weeks gone. I should've been going for my first scan, hearing their little heartbeat for the first time in the next week or so. I can't stop thinking about it! Wondering whether it'll be a boy or girl, names, the bond you develop when you are carrying your baby for 9months.
Sorry for this being a little baffling to read at times, I just had let this all out.
If you made it to the end of this message thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts. Also I hope this helps make others feel you are not alone in this. Feel free to write back your thoughts and feelings too.

Hi @SarahJane30 I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time and am very sorry for your mc. It is heartbreaking, I recently suffered a mc at 8 weeks (my first pregnancy). It was a mmc and I had to have a surgical procedure as nothing passed naturally. It has all been such a shock and today would have been my 12 week scan. All the milestones are so hard to deal with but at least we are not alone. I have found it comforting talking to others who have also suffered from mc. I hope sharing your thoughts has made you feel a little better - I can completely relate to the empty feeling you are experiencing. Prior to my procedure I felt very pregnant (still throwing up, no bleeding or cramping at all) even though I knew I had lost the baby. Immediately afterwards all symptoms disappeared it was such a massive contrast I felt relieved that the sickness was gone but also felt such a void. It does get slowly better with time but everyone is different, give yourself time to grieve. I’m glad that your partner is supportive you may benefit from contacting the miscarriage association or your GP if you are feeling overwhelmed with everything it sounds like you have a lot going on. Wishing you all the best and I hope you start to feel a little better soon xxx

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I know a lot of us go through this and it's horrific whatever the experience. I am so sorry for your loss too and that must have been terrifying! I hope you are feeling a little normal now. I totally understand what you mean the feeling of being pregnant regardless of what is actually going on. I still had the nausea, tender boobs, tiredness etc, for probably another 10days after the bleeding started. I suppose in a way I was lucky it was a completely natural mc in the respect of it "coming away naturally" so I had nothing really invasive happen to me with regarding the actual mc. I would have been about 8-9 weeks by now. I found comfort in finding this place, and being able (as sad as it is) to read other people's experiences and share mine. I thought as I was going through it that I was OK, but since doing the pregnancy test the other day and it being negative I realised that I really wasn't OK. So I bottled it for a few days until I knew that I was ready to talk. Then it all kind of blurted out of my head in a bit of a mess on here! But I felt safe doing it here. My fiancé has really been amazing support for me. He's been so strong for me and the family. We have our little chats about it when we are alone in the car or at bedtime. He came to the hospital with me every time, and was in the loo with me every time I passed through. I am lucky to have that at least. It has certainly been an emotional learning curve for me. Thank you for the advice and I am considering contacting the GP. But I am trying to channel it with the support I have now I am ready to talk first xxx

@SarahJane30 Your partner sounds lovely and very supportive, I’m glad that he is there for you. Yes I totally agree with finding comfort on here. I have to say I felt a bit weird at first but in the end I just bit the bullet and posted and I’m glad I did. I’m still waiting for a negative pregnancy test 3 weeks later and am back at the epu later in the week if I still don’t get a negative which is frustrating as I want to ttc again asap. Luckily DH is also very supportive and has been amazing. I think that talking about it is really helpful and if you feel you can manage with the support you have that’s great. Don’t be scared to seek professional help if you do find yourself struggling there’s no shame in it, I have done in the past when I found I needed more than what could be given at home. Look after yourself and I hope you can find peace with what has happened soon ❤️

He really is great. I'm glad you too have had the support, not everyone is as fortunate as us. I think in time I will be OK, I would like to think anyone who goes through this would be OK. I feel good about this community, I don't feel like I have to "hide" how I really feel through this. Feel free to keep me posted on how you are getting on through this difficult time. My heart goes out to you 💓

That sounds awful, i'm sorry you're dealing with so much at once, and yes please use this forum as a place to vent, it helped me last week!

I'm currently over the worst of MC #2, but now have a follow up of an immediate period after the i finally stopped bleeding from MC, but this bleeding is of course period-blood and comes with a shitload of emotions and hormones with it too (great!)

I was holding it together until tonight. Feel utterly useless, crap wife crap body crap appearance crap friend crap daughter, just feeling so rotten and i KNOW its the hormones but im just so tired. I felt your post so bad OP, that huge tired weight if everything just on top of you, feels like its squashing your personality and zest for life right out doesnt it?

Hey there! I totally get you. I had a period straight after too. I ain't great at dealing with the hormones of that in the best of situations. Yes I too feel like a shit parent/daughter/partner etc. In the last couple of days I have had it out with everyone that's been in my firing line too. It's nobody's fault really of course, but when you have so much crap going on in your head it feels like no one really gives a shit about you, and your wants and needs. Which I know is probably selfish, but I've learnt out of all of this you need to be a little selfish and give yourself your space and time to yourself right? I have noticed my fuse has become a lot shorter, and my rational thinking is somewhat questionable at times too. But we will all get there I suppose. All in all what I am trying to say is I am sick of feeling like this and not being heard or noticed, so I thank all you guys for taking the time to listen to me. It genuinely is a huge weight off my mind knowing that there are people who feel what I feel 😊💓

@SarahJane30 of course! I totally get that. This forum has been a saviour for venting and reading others stories - realising I'm not alone in how i feel

Its a lot to put on our loved ones i think, to really know how to comfort, even my mum is trying but was never great at deep emotional topics so she tries to change the conversation a lot to 'cheer me up' which doesnt work when youre not in the mood to be cheered up

Also i think its good to note that allowing yourself to wallow for a bit is fine. Like dont try to snap out of it just think 'ok, today is a shit day, i can have this shit day and its fine, they wont all be like this but this particular day cab fuck off!!' Kind of thing