Grief or depression?

[Heartbroken2020]

Might sound like a daft question but how can you tell the difference?

I had a late miscarriage almost 6 weeks ago, I was 17 weeks pregnant. I’m really struggling. I’ve been off work since it happened and am struggling at the thought of going back (even though I’d be working from home). I’ve got no motivation to do anything, I cry all the time, hardly sleep and just generally feel miserable. I’m sure lock down isn’t helping but I don’t know what to do to help myself. I was offered all sorts of support when it first happened but due to the CV situation, it hasn’t happened. I spoke to the GP a few weeks ago who said it was all normal and to call back if I wanted to harm myself.

It was the baby’s funeral on Monday so I suppose it’s been another tough week. I just don’t know how long I can go on like this for.

Sorry for rambling, I suppose I just wondered if how I’m feeling is normal and at what point it becomes a ‘problem’?

Thanks in advance.

I’m so sorry. Sounds like normal grief. I don’t know if you would be in the right area but try emailing the charity Petals. They are delivering their counselling via Skype/Zoom.

Sending you big hugs and a hand hold, it must be incredibly hard being cooped up going through this

@GoulashSoup, thank you for your reply. I just wish things didn’t feel quite so all consuming. I read early on that time helps, so I suppose I just have to keep waiting.

I have messaged Petals, thank you.

Hi Heartbroken, so sorry to hear about what you're going through.

Just wanted to add that if you need someone to talk to today, immediately, over the phone, that the Miscarriage Association's helpline is still open. I've spoken to them myself and they were wonderful.

Hope this helps a little xx

I've just checked their website and they also have a Live Chat option as well xx

Handhold for your OP, at what must be an incredibly challenging time for you. You have been through a hugely traumatic experience and are rightly grieving the loss of your baby and the future you expected to have with them. It is still such early days of your grief and what you are experiencing is both normal and to be expected. It doesn’t sound like depression to me, rather appropriate sadness at a desperately sad situation.

Am so sorry for you loss. Be very kind to yourself and get yourself signed off work until you feel ready to return x

I had my 4th miscarriage in October, Baby's due date would've been in 13 days and our second Baby would have been 1 on the 24th of August. My other 2 happened too early on so we just remember them by the dates we lost them instead. Even now I still struggle to come to terms with it all. I also think I have ptsd from my last one because every time I come on my period I get flash backs to when I first started bleeding and crying down the phone to my OH who was at work saying I think I'm miscarrying again. Blood clots, getting blood on my hand or seeing blood around the toilet bowl triggers me too. I wasn't offered counselling although to be fair I had it years ago after I was raped and sexually abused and found it never really helped me, that may have been due to the fact the woman I saw sat there rocking back and forth with her eyes closed humming away. I got up and walked out in the end.

How are you doing @Heartbroken2020? Just wanted to let you know you’re not on your own

Thank you for your kind replies

@GoulashSoup thank you for thinking of me today. I had my first counselling session with petals yesterday, thank you so much for recommending them. I’m actually out of area but because their support is currently via zoom, they could help me.

Talking helped, I’m just so desperately sad. I suppose it’s good that it’s not depression, I’m just finding it so hard to cope with alongside being isolated away from the rest of my family and friends. DP and DS are amazing, I’m lucky really.

So glad petals are able to help. They were a great support to me in the past. Talking will help but it may feel raw as you work through things.

It is hard and truly shit to go through but it is normal to feel this sad. Something huge and horrible has happened to you. You have to go through the emotions unfortunately.

For me my losses are still a sad part of my story, they will always be a part of me (which is a bitter sweet thing, I don’t want to forget them). But it is not always raw and consuming, that bit will ease.

I don’t want to make this about me, but want you to know that what you are feeling is normal, you are not alone and it won’t always be this bad.

I happy to listen if you need to just moan or rant. I know it’s the done thing here but I’m sending you a virtual hug.

Hi heartbroken

I lost a baby at 19 weeks back in November and I felt exactly as you do for at least the first 2 months after. I cried everyday and had no motivation whatsoever. I just wanted to post and let you know that it does get better. The experience will never leave you and I do still have difficult days, particularly once we reached what should have been my due date. But you won't always cry everyday and you will start to experience joy in life again.
I'm now 12 weeks pregnant again, for me, that has helped although I appreciate that trying again won't be the best thing for everyone. My only advice is to just let yourself feel all of your grief. Don't try to be strong if you don't feel it. Don't worry about making people around you feel uncomfortable if you are upset, it's better to let it out than bottle it up to try to convince people you're ok. You will heal at your own pace. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Thank you for sharing your stories. It really does help to know how I’m feeling is ‘normal’. I’ve just never experienced pain like this before. I’m so sorry that you guys have had to go through this too. Life really is very unfair sometimes.

It’s such a surreal time to be going through something like this, every part of me needs something to look forward to.

@heat38 I hope you don’t mind me asking but did you have a post mortem? Did you wait for the results before you started trying again? I’ve read a lot about how getting pregnant has helped people’s grief but I’m just so petrified of it happening again.

I was so poorly with hyperemesis and early bleeding whilst I was pregnant this time so I feel like my poor body has been through such a lot.

Thank again for your replies, it really does help.

@heartbroken2020

We didn't get a post-mortem as the reason for my premature delivery was that my water broke at 18 weeks. They couldn't give me a reason for waters going so early other than potential infection but none was found and they tested placenta and that was healthy too. My little girl was perfectly formed and still living when she was born but just too tiny to survive so we didn't feel like we wanted to wait for so long for a post mortem. But if baby died before you miscarried, it's completely understandable that you'd want to wait for results of post mortem to try to prevent it happening again if possible.

It's interesting that you've said you were very ill and had bleeding etc because my last pregnancy very much started like that too. Unexplained bleeding for about 3 weeks at the very beginning and was very ill up until about 15/16 weeks. After we lost her, it almost felt a bit like maybe it was never a healthy pregnancy from the beginning but hard to know.

Getting pregnant again was obviously a happy event but with my history, it's been an anxious time. I wasn't even too worried about the first trimester, it's more about this next trimester and getting past the point I was at before especially considering we don't have a reason for it happening. I have had no bleeding and only mild nausea this time around so it's been a very different experience.

Tbh I'm not sure there is a right time to try again, it's very much up to you and how you're feeling. For me, it was something to focus on to get me through the hardest days. Hope that helps x

@heat38 I really, really hope everything works out for you. I can imagine it must be a very anxious time for you.

The midwife was quite sure there was an issue with the baby’s cord as it was wrapped tightly around his neck several times. She said if that is the case, it’s just an unfortunate, fluke thing to happen. My boy was perfectly formed too, just so tiny.

I think we’ll probably wait until after the post mortem if we decide to try again. I big part of me feels like I can’t risk something going wrong again as I’m not strong enough. Maybe that feeling will ease, I just feel so broken.

@GoulashSoup Thanks again for recommending petals, I feel better for feeling like I’m trying to help myself. After the session I felt like I’d been hit by a bus but it really did do me good to talk. That’s the thing about lockdown, you can hide away from the world and no one has to know how you’re feeling. I’m just really worried about what state I’ll be when normal life resumes.