Miscarriage at 18 weeks, feel empty and lost

[Here4theaibu]

Nearly 3 weeks ago me and my husband went through the heartbreaking situation of welcoming our little boy at 18 weeks 3 days old.

After a previous ectopic pregnancy nearly 2 years ago and a practically textbook pregnancy so far I can't begin to get my head around why something went wrong.

I started with lower abdominal pain around 4 days previous. When it got to the point where I couldn't stand up straight I ended up going to my local labour ward where I was examined. All my bloods were fine, baby's heartbeat was ok and I had a cervical examination and that was ok. Went home but ended up back in the next day as the pain had not gone and was admitted to a ward for observation.

For 3 days I was treated for trapped wind/constipation and was given paracetamol, codeine and after a couple of days an enema. Still nothing helped or took the pain away. I had a scan where everything looked alright, saw baby moving away. Every time his heartbeat was checked it was strong. I then started bleeding and the pain got worse, so much so that they moved me to a side room. After being given some liquid morphine and having another examination, I was told I was in labour and to prepare to give birth

All I can remember at that point apart from the pain is just screaming and telling them to stop it and to stop him coming. I was wheeled down to the labour ward but I don't know what time so I don't know how long I was in active labour. After examining me they said all my cervix was gone and I could push but nothing happened so the midwife moved me to the toilet and after a couple of minutes our little boy was born.

I can't fault the midwife at all although I can't even remember her name. She was very supportive and gentle and explained everything to us. We got to keep our little boy with us all night but then by the morning he started changing colour so we decided to let him go.

We sorted out deciding on the joint hospital service and individual cremation for him which will take place next week and then went home.

Since then, I don't really know what to do or say or feel. I'm obviously devastated as after my ectopic pregnancy I thought we had some good luck and were on the right track and was so looking forward to being a mum. He was born on the day we were planning to go and order his pram. We have close family and friends also expecting babies around my due date which isn't making things easy

One minute I feel alright, the next I'm so overwhelmingly sad. When I do feel ok and realise it I then get upset because I feel like I should be upset.

I just can't begin to understand why no one realised that my baby was coming and the pain was labour pain and not constipation. I don't understand why everything was just taken away from us so suddenly.

We've been told it might be at least 12 weeks before we get to speak to anyone about it and even then it might not be face to face, it will probably be a telephone appointment. I have such an overwhelming need to be pregnant again but then I feel so bad and so guilty like I'm trying to replace him

I need some reassurance that this won't happen again. Reading online, I think it may have been a weak cervix. I'm so scared it will happen again. I'm scared of the current situation and feel like with COVID 19 all the support and tests and appointments I feel like I need will just be swept to one side and it will be such a long time before we can think about trying again. I want to try again as soon as possible but I'm so terrified to incase this happens again.

I've written all this down because I feel like if I ring up to talk to anyone I'll just cry and never stop. My husband has been amazing, I don't know how I would have coped without him the last couple of weeks but I know he's devastated too and I feel so guilty that I've now lost 2 children. He keeps telling me to stop saying sorry but I just feel like I've failed him and my body's failed me.

Thank you anyone who reads this. I don't know what to expect in a reply, I just needed to get this all out

I am so, so sorry OP, there are no words.
You will be in shock and need time to physically recover as well as to grieve.
There is nothing you can do right now other than keep putting one foot in front of the other - as the days pass things will get easier but it takes a lot of time to come to terms with your loss

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, it seems so cruel how it happened when you were already in hospital and being monitored.
I lost my little boy at 17 weeks on saturday and feel exactly as you have described, yesterday i had a relatively ok day, i hadn’t cried that much and then started feeling really guilty that i wasn’t crying which made me cry and then i woke up today and cried the entire morning. It seems to be a whirlwind of emotions constantly doesn’t it!
I am also desperate to try again straight away but already fearing the judgement of we are lucky to get pregnant again if it’s quick and that people will think i’m trying to replace my little boy but nothing will ever replace him. I still can’t talk to anyone on the phone, ive only just started replying to texts but i feel like the ladies on this page have helped me already and made me feel like i’m not alone and my feelings are normal. I am pleased that you had a supportive midwife though. If you want to chat about anything just know i’m here, probably feeling exactly the same as you xxx

I am so sorry for your loss

Would talking about your little boy help? Have you given him a name?

In no way have you failed anyone. Please remember you will always be a mummy. I am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. What name did you give him? Would you like to talk about him? I'd love to hear about him.

You have nothing to be sorry for. Please remember that.

My sister has had 3 losses and every time there was never really answers as to why it was happening. She has had 3 beautiful boys in between losses so please don't give up hope xxx

Hi all

Thank you for your replies. I'm so sorry this has happened to you as well

It's weird because it's comforting to know you're not in you're own and other people know exactly how you're feeling but it's horrible to think others are in the same position as you because this isn't something I would wish on anyone

We talk about him a lot. We named him Oscar. We have his memory box that we have put my scan picture and pregnancy test in. My parents and my mother in law have both put bits in as they fortunately were able to meet him.

I think I'm struggling the most with not knowing why it happened and wanting so much already to try again but feeling guilty and scared that it will happen again

Oscar is a beautiful name for a beautiful little boy. It's lovely idea about the memory box.
It's easy to say but please don't feel guilty. It will be scary and there will never be a time when it won't be scary and fear the worse. I hope you get the answers you need

Hi again

I posted about a week ago about having a late miscarriage at 18 weeks 3 days. Yesterday was our little boy's cremation and while it was the hardest thing to go to, especially as there was only me and my husband allowed to be there, I have got a bit of peace from it.

Now, all I can think about is being pregnant again. I don't want to replace him and don't want people to think that either or think we're rushing in to it. I'm struggling with the possibility of having to wait weeks to speak to a consultant or not getting any answers as to why this happened.
As a guess from reading online I think I may have had an 'incompetant cervix'. Has anyone experienced this and then gone on to have a successful pregnancy? What kind of tests do you have to go through or do you just have to leave it to chance for a successful pregnancy?
I know at this current moment in time it probably isn't the best time to try and get pregnant again but I need to fill the empty feeling I have

Hi Op,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost your little one. I lost my baby boy almost 5 weeks ago now, I was 17 weeks pregnant.

Apparently time helps, I just wish I could wake up and it would all feel bearable. The sadness just feels all consuming.

Did you have a post mortem? Our results won’t be back until late June which feels like a lifetime away.

hi there, its late here but i just wanted to msg and say i can relate. will do a proper reply 2moro. im so sorry this has happened to you. Oscar is a beautiful name for a beautiful boy. xo

Hi Op and heartbroken, I am sinking as I read this thread, and my heart goes out to you both.

We lost our little boy just 2 days before 24th week pregnant 3 weeks ago. I felt like I hadn't moved about much, had a bit of back pain, did some Yoga. I was fine, until next day pain was unbearable, and I constantly felt like going to pee. Called hospital, went in, I was told I may have a UTI, then after a scan, was sent to labour ward - cervix dilated, and my little could come anytime. Sadly, he didnt survice for more than a day.

We are awaiting cremation, and it is really really hard. Husband and I have been talking about it, so it brought some solace.

However, everytime we get a little bit of positivity, something else brings either me or him down.

Difficult times.

Ladies,

My heart is breaking for you all, because i understand exactly what your going through. We are almost 6 and 7 years on from our losses so our pain is very different to what you are all feeling now. I dont even know what i should be saying to you all now, i just knew that when i read the topic i felt this urge to have to reply, to offer hope maybe, but mostly to let you all know that you are not alone and that your pain and grief are very real and very valid.
@Here4theaibu I can totally relate to that need to want to be pregnant again, i remember feeling like it was the only thing that would make the whole mess better again, it was like i wanted to be pregnant and i didnt because you dont ever replace them. I would advise holding off if u can until you get more answers, if it is an imcompetent cervix, you may want to get answers before getting pregnant again. We were "lucky" insofar as we did get pregnant again v soon after losing our daughter at 18weeks, only to sadly lose our son at 24weeks. After my second loss my consultant advised i get a Tac (transabodimal cercelage) for future pregnancies. Please allow yourself some time to heal, and find answers or reasons. I get it, i get all of it and if you ever need to talk please message me, i will do my best to help
@Heartbroken2020 what did you call your little boy? I hope you find some sense of peace soon, there are lots of groups out there to talk through things if u ever felt the need to. i know with the way things are at the moment it might be harder to get people, but some groups are doing online meetings, just an idea and im here if u ever need someone to talk to.
@MrsFaulty Keep talking and if it helps any write it down, every single detail, writing can be therapeutic in itself.