Late miscarriage at 17 weeks

[Hammers00]

I am hoping writing this post will help me and to hear from others of you that have gone through the same thing.
I was just over 16 weeks and went to the loo and saw what i thought was my mucus plug, i mentioned it to my husband but also just assumed as there was no blood it could have just been discharge. Next time i went to the loo there was blood, quite a bit, so i called the hospital to get checked out. i was so worried and was told my husband wouldn’t be allowed to go with me as you aren’t allowed to bring anyone at the moment, i mentally prepared myself for the worst, i have a 2 year old and her pregnancy was a dream, never any spotting or anything so for me this wasn’t normal. They had a scan machine in the room and saw a heart beat straight away, i was over the moon, they booked me in for a proper scan the next day to check baby was growing properly and he was so i was so relieved. the next evening i started to get pains which were quite bad, i put them down to stretching pains as i got them bad with my first. The next night i got them again but worst and messaged my midwife and called the hospital, none of them advised me to get checked, they said you had a scan on tuesday everything is fine so i thought i was over reacting. Then on saturday all day i was getting on and off pains but by 7 they were unbearable and coming in waves, i called the hospital and they finally told me to come in and be checked, on the way i started feeling fluid leaking but still convinced myself it was just growing pains and they would send me back home with me feeling silly for wasting their time. Again my husband wasn’t allowed in the hospital so i went in alone, the dr said she’d scan me quickly then examine me, the baby came straight on the screen that i could see and immediately i could see that his heart wasn’t beating, the dr went silent and i was in floods of tears, she examined me and said she’s sorry but i’m already fully dilated and my waters were going to go any min. i had to call my husband on the phone and tell him and A dr rushed to get downstairs to let him in. A few hours later after the most awful experience of my life (the hospital weren’t good at all but that’s another story) it was all over, our baby boy was born at exactly 17 weeks, they said he was too little to tell but when we saw him it was obvious he was a boy and a perfect boy too.
After we got home I just have so many emotions, i’m so sad for our loss and the future we had planned out, i already had visions of reading my 2 year old a bedtime story while feeding my newborn. I feel so bad for my husband and he would have loved a boy, what if we never have another and that was his boy, will he never get to go to football with him on a saturday. I just feel empty and like a physical pain at not being pregnant anymore, i’m just so desperate to be pregnant but i feel like not only has this pregnancy been stollen away from me but any future ones have been too as i know i will be nervous the whole time. I also feel guilty that my DD won’t have a sibling to play with when she’s so desperate to have a little friend, she would talk to my bump all the time which has been the hardest thing since i’ve been home. I feel like i am constantly going through every stage of grief at the same time, i’m angry at all the women who abuse their body during pregnancy but have a perfect baby at the end, i’m sad all the time, i know it’s still raw but we’re just 2 weeks away from the 1st anniversary of my father in laws death ( died suddenly of a heart attack) and this baby was what the whole family was taking comfort and excitement in and now he has been taken away. We haven’t named him as we didn’t know he was a boy before he was born and we feel like it makes it all feel too real having to sit and decide on a name for someone we will never meet. I feel like we are the only ones who have done this and not named him. Can i please know other people’s stories of loosing a baby at this stage, how you coped and how long after you became pregnant? i am already fearing judgement if we do end up getting pregnant again, i don’t want to replace this baby as he can never be replaced but i am just desperate for the plans i had in my head to be a reality.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Both of my miscarriages were at the 12 week stage (my first and third pregnancies, have three kids now) but I didn’t want to read and run. Take care of yourself x

I lost my 3rd child at 19 weeks nearly 2 yrs ago. I dont know exactly what happened but think i had a tiny break in my waters which allowed an infection to enter and cause the fetus to pass away. All over in a weekend. Hardest time in my life but i soon learnt that everything happens for a reason. I am religious and believe that time just wasnt right for us. May be the child had a disability? May be the child had a syndrome undiagnosed? Maybe this pandemic was going to be a threat to you later? Whatever it is, he wasn't ready for you.

On a medical note, there should be no reason for you not to have another child btw. You would need to be heavily monitored obviously. And sounds like your cervix would need to be measured if its incompentent. But you're not ready to think about that yet. You need to grieve this loss.

You should get a midwife counselor too? Mine visited my house but i imagine they could still phone you? Online video chat? Im hoping you still get that support. Mine visited few times but i came to terms with the loss quite early and stopped it when i was ready.

I wont hide the fact im having a miscarriage now at 8 weeks...thats why I'm on here but i believe its nothing to do with my previous loss. At this stage its likely to be a chromosomal abnormality.

Please feel free to send me a pm on here or im happy to chat to you on here. I promise the pain eases in time. It will always stay with you but its not something that makes me sad anymore.

Thinking of you x

So so sorry for your loss OP. It's no one else's business whether or not you decide to become pregnant again or when. You need to do what's right for you OP. I can understand you not being ready with a name, and if you decide not to name him, no one should judge. Please take care of yourselves xxx

Hi
I'm so sorry for your loss, its never easy, especially for the mother.

I lost my baby boy back in November at 19 weeks, it was my first pregnancy so you can imagine the trauma. We still grieve because it's something that stays with you.

I agree with @Chopsuey1 and I agree that everything happens for a reason. I have belief that it was meant to this way and I let the emotions come to me.

Obviously for me, it was a cervix issue and it seems like it might be for you too. So I've been told I'd be under consultant care if that gives you any reassurance and will be closely monitored.

Give yourself time, I know it seems like the end of the world, but have faith that you WILL have another healthy baby soon ❤️

My heart breaks for you, but keep strong xx

OP, I’m so so sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby boy just over 3 weeks ago (I was 17 weeks too). It is the worst pain I have ever felt, the emptiness and the longing for what should have been.

It sounds like you had a terrible time and I’m so sorry that the hospital didn’t do their job well. It’s such a strange time to suffer such horrendous loss, it’s like the world has stopped turning twice over.

Everything I have read says time helps, I’m just willing for it to pass and for you too. We’ve just got to hold on and believe we’re going to be ok.

Sending you lots of love

We actually have the same thread title!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/3845819-Late-miscarriage-at-17-weeks

Hi OP,

I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say will be of any comfort but I hope my story might provide some sort of help.

I had my first child with the easiest of pregnancies, even the delivery was a breeze. Five years later I got pregnant and everything was fine till our 12 week scan which showed a blocked bladder in the baby (a condition called PUV which sorts itself out in 90% of cases). Unfortunately, in my case, it progressively got worse and we were asked to terminate at 14 weeks as the baby's miscarriage was imminent. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make and I still have moments where I regret it even though I know I would have lost the baby in another couple of weeks. I was induced and had to deliver the baby.

A year later, I was emotionally ready to try again and got pregnant. No issues at the 12 week scan. I had another scan at around 15 weeks for reassurance and that went well too. But at the routine 16 week appointment the midwife couldn't hear anything on the Doppler so I was sent for a scan where they couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby had died and no one could tell me why. Back to the hospital again to be induced and deliver another tiny baby. I cannot explain how bad the pain was (I thought I would die from the heartbreak) but I was desperate to have another child and found myself pregnant within three months.

Obviously I couldn't relax during this pregnancy at all. I questioned everything and panicked about everything. But thankfully, there weren't any issues and our son was born exactly 16 weeks back.

Do not let anyone tell you what to do. You do what you think is best for you. I'll virtually hold your hands while you grieve now but I can promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. I do think of the two babies I lost every single day but I have been very lucky and have two children albeit with a much larger age gap than I wanted.

Thanks for all your replies ladies, it does give me comfort that i’m not alone and @fingerscrossed4this you have gone on to have a healthy baby. @Chopsuey1 @Mysleepingangel @Heartbroken2020 did you all go on to name your beautiful babies ? did you already have a name in mind? we hadn’t decided on one yet and now seems very strange to be trying to think of names now that will never be said. x

@Hammers00

We have named the baby but haven’t really told anyone what it is because I wanted the post mortem to confirm he was a boy. I’ve kind of realised that it doesn’t matter. When I’ve said his name aloud it kills me, because it validates he was a real person who has now died. We called our baby Theo. We’d had that name in mind when I was pregnant.

I managed my miscarriage very differently. I never found out the sex as it was just too painful to know. So no name either. And i havent kept a keepsake box etc. Again too painful. I have my dating scan picture and thats it. I dont even look at it, it breaks me. I think im the minority when it comes to these kind of things. To me, this child was never mine, God decided to keep her or him and one day we'll be reunited. Thats how i cope with it. But i know most do give a name and keep a memory box etc. I have two children to keep me busy thankfully. I may have done things differently if i didnt already have children. I dont know.

@chopsuey1 i feel like this is the approach we are taking too but like you say it’s the minority. I think i might get a keepsake box just purely to have hidden somewhere but i really don’t think i’ll take comfort in looking at it. I’m worried that if we give this baby a name then if this ever happens again then we will have to go through the pain of trying to decide a name again. @Heartbroken2020 Theo is such a lovely name, hopefully one day you will be able to say his name without it totally breaking you.
I feel like I am coping better then expected purely because i have to get up because my 2 year old won’t let me not and our neighbours are having building works done so constant drills etc so it’s not like i can sleep anyway so i have ended up just getting on with mundane things like cooking the dinner and unloading the dishwasher. I have such a great support network but in a way it makes it harder that it seems like the 1 second i’m not thinking of him someone then texts a really lovely message and it makes me so sad again especially when none of my friends have been through this. I feel like all of my group chats have stopped and i just want to have a normal conversation but at the same time i know that once the normal conversation starts that people will forget about my boy and i also don’t want that either.

@Hammers00

We did name our baby, as it was something that brought comfort to me and my husband. I have not been able to say his name out loud yet, and don't think I'll be able to any time soon.

I do have a keepsake box with his small foot prints on it, but again its too painful to even think about looking at them without breaking down.

Do what feels best to you. Don't worry about what others have done. It's your personal grief and you should be able to do what feels right

@Hammers00 how are you doing? It’s so good you’ve got a good support network. I’m struggling to ‘talk’ to people but do better over text. I’m just not very good at not being ok.

@Heartbroken2020 I know exactly how you feel, when my friends call me I can’t answer the phone but can now message them how I feel, before I couldn’t even reply to their texts. The last few days I have actually been ok but I think that is purely because it’s my FIL 1 year anniversary of his sudden heart attack so my husband is grieving that so i’m very conscious not to add anymore stress to him since he has been so supportive before. I feel like we’re in limbo at the moment as it could be months until we get the post mortem results. I actually feel a bit better now we have named him too. How are you? I’m here if you want to talk about Theo, sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t actually know xx

So sorry for your loss

I had a MMC and baby was due on my dd's 2nd birthday.

Really resonated with me you saying how your dd was excited and your dreams of doing things with them both

I do now have a ds and know he is the son I was meant to have, but at the time it is all just horrific

Sending you empathy, a massive hand hold for now and hopefully hope for the future

@Hammers00 sorry about your FIL too. Hope you and DH are ok. I’m glad you’re doing ok and naming the baby has helped. It’s a strange old time to be going through this. The isolation helps in some ways I think because it means you can hide away from the world but I just worry about how I’ll ever face people again.

It’s Theo’s funeral on Monday. A massive part of me doesn’t want it to be over because then I’ve really got to accept that he’s gone and I have to get on with my life.

Hi @Heartbroken2020 thinking of you today, I hope Theo’s funeral went as well as can be and the sun is shining for him today. Xx

Hi, I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost our boy in February. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve pasted something below which I put on another thread as I can’t bring myself to write and relive it again, I’m sure you’ll understand.

I am late 20s, I had a had two miscarriages. The first was a chemical at 6 weeks in 2018, second was a mmc at 9 weeks in August 2019. After the mmc, I wanted to try again straight away. I waited until after my first period (beginning of October) as advised and got pregnant. Everything was going well until around 15 weeks, when I started bleeding and passing clots due to a low placenta. Bleeding and clots continued on and off until I became hospitalised for gushing blood at 17 weeks. I was discharged two days after and took it very easy. Later that week I had another clot but this time it was more mucousy with bits of blood (I now realised that was the start of the labour) I then leaked a little amniotic fluid and my contractions started at 4pm. I called the maternity assessment unit at 7:30pm and they told me to come in. I was admitted and the contractions wore off the next day around lunchtime. Great I thought.

They started up again at 6pm and continued to get worse until I couldn’t take it anymore and called my midwife. It all happened so fast after that, I was wheeled into the labour room and even then the drs/midwives didn’t understand why it was happening. Cervix was closed, baby was strong and healthy and amniotic fluid was fine. They told me it could go either way and within an hour my water broke and my little baby boy made his appearance. He lay on my chest while his heart beat and passed away. His entire life was spent on my chest. My body failed him. We spent a night with him in the bereavement room with him beside us in a cold cot.

He was 17 weeks and 6 days. That was the 1st February so not long ago and my husband and I are struggling so so much.

We named our son but please don’t feel you should do the same. You need to do what is right for you and your partner. As for feeling angry, I am too, I am so so angry because we don’t have answers for why this happened just a week think it’s likely due to the bleeding/clot which formed’ but even then they are not 100%. I have had people tell me it’s for a reason so I’ve asked them to tell me why god decided to have me watch my son die and that religion may comfort them but to not force it on others. I lost my religion when I lost my son. Do speak up and tell ppl to stop when they are not being helpful.

As for you trying again and not wanting to be judged, I struggle with this too especially as it was not long ago but then I think who cares? These people (who are very loving and supportive) are living their lives and still celebrating special moments. They are not in the pits of my grief with me, only my husband and myself are we will make decisions which make us happy etc. So we have decided to try again (I’ve had two periods and had my 6 week post birth appointment) and this is our first month trying. I should know by Monday /Tuesday when my period is due to arrive. If I do get pregnant, We have decided to keep The pregnancy private and tell no one for the entire 9 months. We have amazing family and friends but I’ve been too far gone in my grief to communicate with them and with covid-19 and being on maternity leave it’s easier to hide it.

As for not wanting to replace your child, I know what you mean. The way I look at it is I want to give my son siblings who will remember, love and celebrate him as much as we do. Despite thinking that way it is tough and I know it’ll be very difficult and a different type of emotion to what women usually have when they find out they are pregnant.

Do you get a post 6 week appointment to talk through potential reason/s why this may have happened? Also, have you been assigned a bereavement midwife?