Miscarriage - DP won't talk about it

[Jurassiclover]

Hey guys,

This is going to be long so I apologize in advance.

I'm at an absolute loss at the moment.

I had a MC in October 2019, at the time I will admit myself and DP didn't really process it. I had 3 days off work, in which I spent the day's on the sofa either crying or napping. DP stayed off with me and mostly just sat with me/cuddled me and while I was napping etc he would just potter around or play on his play station. Throughout the 3 days we didn't really talk or discuss anything. I then went back to work and that was that.

Now since then I have struggled, I've had days where I would have a little cry etc but mostly I just tried to get on with my life.

At times I have tried to talk to DP about it, I've told him I feel down or I've expressed my frustrations with things people say or seeing pregnancy announcements etc. Anytime I have brought this up, DP has a few 'stock' responses and just shuts the conversation down. He either just says 'Aww I know' or he'll say 'It'll happen for us one day' or sometimes he won't even respond he'll just give me a sympathetic look. I know he just doesn't maybe know what to do or say but these responses make me so so angry. It just feels like he's trying to say 'shut up I don't wanna hear it'.

I've tried approaching it differently, I've tried asking DP how he feels about it all or if he wants to talk about it. He just shrugs. I've tried asking questions like 'What do you think the baby would have looked like?' etc - again he just shrugs.

Because of this, I feel I have to just bottle my thoughts/feelings up. I feel so so alone and like I have no one to talk to - realistically I have friends/family etc but it's not the same. I want to be able to talk to the person who actually experienced the miscarriage with me. I want to be able to have my DP's support and be able to talk about the baby whenever I need, after all it was his baby too.

This all came to a head last night after i shouted and cried about how alone I feel and DP just totally locked up. He told me he isn't ready to talk about it yet and that's why he hasn't. I know I can't force him to talk about it but it's been 5 months.... How much longer will I have to wait for him to be ready to talk about this. It's honestly destroying me not being able to reach out and discuss things with him. My mental health is at rock bottom. I recently took an overdose and ended up in hospital because I just don't know how to deal with all my feelings and thoughts and emotions.

I'm not even sure what the point of this thread is I just needed to write this all down somewhere.

I know I can't force him to talk. But in some ways it feels like he's moving on with his life, like he's 1000 steps ahead of me, whereas I'm just stuck with time standing still, stuck feeling so angry and sad all of the time. It feels like he's forgotten our baby, like he doesn't even think about them and that is making me resent him - I don't want to and I know realistically he probably is hurting just as much as me. But it just doesn't feel that way for me at the moment.

I just don't know what to do or how to even approach this anymore.

This is the 2nd time DP has experienced a MC, the woman he was with before me fell pregnant unexpectedly after a contraception failure and although an unplanned baby they were both more than happy to proceed (they weren't actually in a relationship, waaaay more casual than that), in the end the woman had an MC, DP of course was devastated and he has talked to me openly about that MC. But yet with ours he just clams up. I thought he would be able to talk more given he's been through this before. Although I guess maybe it's even harder for him now this is the 2nd time, I don't know.

To make matters worse we are TTC again, DP talks frequently about wanting a baby and what we will be like as parents but I'm so scared if we had another MC that our relationship just wouldn't be able to survive the trauma as he would just clam up and refuse to talk about it.

If you've gotten this far you honestly deserve a medal.

Any advice is welcome, even no advice and just a handhold or acknowledgement that I'm not crazy to feel like this is welcome. Like I say, I don't even know what I want from this thread I'm just so damn alone and lost.

anyone?? :(

Sorry for your loss. I'm sorry to hear that you feel so alone. I'm not sure what advice I can give but I've had 3 miscarriages and I've found it very hard emotionally. My dh has been great in as much as he will always give me a cuddle if I'm having a cry but he doesn't really talk about them either. In our case we feel very differently about the losses. I've been crushed after each one whereas dh was disappointed but more worried about me than the loss itself. I know the losses don't affect him or play on his mind the same way they do with me but I'm ok with that. He feels what he feels and there's no right or wrong.

It sounds like to feel supported you need to talk about what happened and your feelings. My only suggestion would be to seek out that support from another source like a friend or counsellor. It seems like your dh isn't able to provide you with this type of support and so rather than keep trying and getting upset with him perhaps leaning on someone else would help.

He may not feel the same way as you do or want to process what happened in the same way, but there is no right and wrong way of feeling so try not to be hurt by your differences.

Wishing you lots of luck on your TTC journey.

I am so sorry for your loss @Jurassiclover ❤️❤️ and I'm sorry your mental health has been so badly affected - I hope you're getting some mental health support?

My dh was quiet after my first mc and seemed more concerned about the impact on me. He was supportive but didn't talk about it much. Sadly I've had 2 more miscarriages with since then. He was with me during the second and I think that affected him much more and he understood a bit more why I have been so traumatised. Our 3rd mc hit him hard, despite being much earlier and he seemed more determined to find answers (we're having private tests).

My dh is similar to yours in that he's confident we will have a baby and feels frustrated when I'm a bit more negative. He has briefly opened up and I know he's spoken to friends about our miscarriages. He is a sensitive guy but also very practical and logical, so struggles to talk about emotions.

I have support online and when he does open up its very brief. It's so hard, it's been 11 months since my first mc and the grief is still raw at times, but hope does come back ❤️ 🌈 i don't know if I've helped, but you're not alone xx

I’m really sorry for your loss OP, it must have been awful tour both of you.
People deal with grief and trauma in different ways, is there anyone else you could about it with?
You’re DP clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and it’s unfair for you to try to make him. What makes you feel better might not be right for him, or at least yet x

@Aria2015 thank you. So sorry for your losses. You're right, there is no right or wrong, I guess I'm just so wrapped up in how I feel at the min that I didn't think about the fact DP may just not be affected the same way. I think that's definitely something I need to try and make peace with. I do have friends I can talk to but I find that very hard because they've not been through MC so I almost feel like they don't understand. I also don't wanna be 'that' friend that's always talking about it and bringing the mood down when I'm with them. I know they wouldn't think that at all but that's what I fear.

@VenusStarr thank you. I'm seeing a mental health nurse so getting some support in that sense, also getting support from work too.

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses ❤️ but honestly I'm so glad I'm not the only one in this situation! My DP sounds very similar to yours, he struggles a lot to talk about emotions or feelings. It's something he wants to work on improving but definitely something he struggles with. I know he has spoken to friends very occasionally too. He did open up a little last night and admitted he does want to talk about the MC but he doesn't feel ready. He also said he's feeling confused because he doesn't know what he should be saying or thinking or feeling which I totally understand as that's how I felt when it first happened. I think I've just moved on with my grief into the anger phase whereas he's maybe still in denial a little?

Support online is great, I'm so glad you have that! I think I may need to reach out on MN more as I had almost forgotten how great of a support network it could be. Thank you so much for your comment, you definitely have helped xx

@fairynick thank you. You're right, people do deal with grief differently, I think I was just so wrapped up in my hurt and anger that I forgot that he could be dealing with thinks just in his own way. I do have friends but as I said before I find it hard to open up. I think I may look into seeing a miscarriage counsellor as I think that may help me a lot x

I'm glad it's helped @Jurassiclover. I'm pleased you're also having support too. I've had counselling and am doing some cbt now. Having a space to offload to someone who doesn't know you is quite helpful. Xx

I'm on a really supportive group here, if you wanted to join us, we're all navigating ttc after loss. I've been on it a while now, dipping in and out, but they have been a huge source of comfort and support to me:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3803074-TTC-after-pregnancy-loss-Thread-34-huddle-up-and-bring-on-the-BFPs?msgid=94655775#94655775

❤️