2 Months on Suffering *trigger warning graphic*

[Kat92]

Hi, I have been reading MumsNet since I found out I was expecting (used to also randomly read AIBU too as its hilarious) but have also been reading this particular forum since we found out about the miscarriage. I think I basically just want to describe how I am feeling about miscarriage and just try and work out when I will be feeling better.

I found out mid December at a private scan that we had suffered a missed miscarriage (we had a previous scan 3 weeks prior and the new scan had shown no growth). Embryo was 6 weeks when he stopped growing but I should have been 9 weeks pregnant at this point.

I was referred to the Hospital who explained our options and because there was an over 2 week wait for a D&C, I had medically managed as I couldnt cope with expectant management. A few days later, the hospital put in the pessaries and i had very heavy bleeding and clots. I even went to A&E but the bleeding seemed to have slowed down a lot. I did have blood taken but I was not examined at A&E

All throughout my experience I was advised that I could continue with a planned holiday abroad to Hungary. So since the bleeding had slowed down a lot and I thought that the miscarriage was over, me and my husband still went.

However late on Christmas Day I had the worst pain ever and was taken to hospital in Budapest in an Ambulance early hours Boxing Day. I had an ultrasound and was in surgery having an emergency D&C within about an hour of arriving. I cant fault that Hospital because of how quickly they treated me but they weren't particularly sympathetic (they seemed to think I was stupid for travelling abroad after having a miscarriage but got slightly nicer when I explained that the Hospital in the UK advised that I was able to).

When I woke up from the Anaesthetic though I was in the Maternity ward and could hear babies crying. It was a really horrible experience.

In total, with the miscarriage I had 4 weeks off work and then returned for about 6 weeks of work. However on Friday morning I suffered a panic attack whilst driving to work. I am lucky I have amazing colleagues and one of them picked me up, took me home and then to doctors. I was given antidepressants and signed off for 2 weeks. I thought I was feeling so much better honestly but now I just cant help but wonder when am I actually going to start feeling better.

I'm so sorry, Kat, that sounds like a horrific experience. Being unwell on holiday then treatment in a foreign hospital must have been so frightening for you. I think it's very normal to still be feeling sad but if you are having panic attacks I think you'd benefit from some counselling - have you contacted the Miscarriage Association? The other thing I found helpful was to have a little private ceremony to say goodbye - I have a plant in my garden for each loss, but you might prefer a candle you can light for a short time when you feel sadness or a piece of memorial jewellery? There's no timeline for grieving a loss, sometimes you think you are fine and then sonething triggers the sadness again. Sending hugs.

When I got to the doctors on Friday, they had already contacted the Hospital (the UK one) and they said they can refer me to a Clinical Psychologist which I think would help me.
I have suffered from really low moods before, my husband is in the Army and he had a deployment when I first moved here and I found it quite hard to cope. He was away last week which I think made it hard for me too - I also had my birthday last week too. Hes going again today but not for too long. However I am going to go home to my parents whilst hes away. I think I am going to get the train as I am scared about driving again, i think i could do short distances but not on the motorways to get back home.
My husband has really been amazing (and also work - the doctor seemed to find it slightly strange that I wanted my colleague in the actual room with me when I visited). Hes bought me gold and ruby ring which should be arriving soon. Ruby is for July when the baby should have been arriving.
I think I am just in shock still about it all. We were not exactly planning a child but we were not using contraception and we were so happy when we did find out. I told almost everyone right away as I just assumed nothing could go wrong - am relatively young and didnt drink, I quit smoking and cut down on caffeine so it never even crossed my mind that a miscarriage could even happen honestly.

I have put in a complaint about the EPU at the hospital too and we had a meeting where they apologised for advising me there was no reason I couldnt go abroad. I can't help but feel angry at the hospital - if i could have had the surgery right away in England I dont think I would be feeling quite as awful now. I still would have had an awful time, but i do think having surgery abroad made things feel worse for me mentally.

The ring sounds lovely, I hope it brings you some comfort. I've had 4 MC but the first one was just so shocking, like you it never really crossed my mind that anything would go wrong.

Thanks!
Exactly, I didnt even consider that miscarriage would ever happen honestly.
Luckily am getting a lift home tomorrow so I dont have to be alone next week.

So sorry for your loss and your experience. I had a miscarriage in October ended up in hospital not near home as I was visiting family at the time. I ended up at a local hospital when I returned home as the first one didn't explain what would happen with medical management! .

I ended up having 6 weeks off work and thought I was feeling ok but wasn't. I'm having more good days than bad but I still feel overwhelmed by it all at times.
There is an organisation called Cradle which I have found really helpful x