Why am I still traumatised? (Trigger warning)

[Sunshineonarainydayagain]

Miscarried 9 weeks back in August. I passed the fetus whole, completely intact with the sac. I went to the toilet as the pain had ramped up really bad and I felt like a lot was coming out of me. It was just there, in the pad. I had to get my mum to dispose of it.

I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting it to come out in clumps. It all happened really quickly. I had been bleeding for two days before. I had a scan and they confirmed there was no heart beat but that it was hospital policy to have two scans. I was due a scan the following day but the miscarriage happened hours later.

I’m glad it happened quickly but i had thought I’d go in for a D&C. There was no indication it was going to happen to quickly after the scan.

After it happened, I had my mum and friend tell me “well at least you have DD1 (who was still a baby at the time” or “well you could be like X who miscarries her first pregnancy” or “you could be like Y who had to terminate at 20 weeks due to Edwards” etc. Now I know that. I am grateful for that but Jesus you didn’t see what I saw. I hate competitive misery so I try not to engage.

I still can’t get the image of the fetus out my head, especially now I’m pregnant with DD2. I can’t get the image out of my head nor can I forgive people for comparing it to other people’s experiences (not their own I should add).

Sorry that was long and waffley (although therapeutic to write out)

I’m in an especially low mood

Try not to compare your experience to other peoples. It doesn't matter if what someone else has been through is seen as worse than your experience. It's a traumatic experience regardless.
Hopefully this will get easier for you and I hope every thing goes well with your little one.

I understand op I really do and I’m so sorry you went through this

I wonder if talking this through with someone might help- I got a lot of help from the Tommys charity helpline midwives. I don’t know if I was just particularly lucky with who I spoke to but they really listened and helped me process things.

I can also understand your anger about the crass comments made. As a culture we are really bad at supporting women who have been through baby loss and there is a tendency for people to say awful things. People also minimise first trimester loss and I was felled by my miscarriage - couldn’t eat and felt utterly traumatised.

You are totally normal op - losing your baby in this way was a traumatic experience and others’ views are not valid

I hate competitive misery so I try not to engage

I agree with you and I think your anger is justified.

I have read some trauma research that indicates the responses people get in the aftermath of a trauma (e.g. Compassionate or not, safe or not, etc) can influence how their brain processes the trauma and how long it takes to resolve/whether it develops into PTSD.

So it makes sense that you would struggle when not only did you have this horrible traumatic experience, where you felt shocked and out of control (you might have felt you had some control when you thought you knew how things would happen after the scan, and then they were nothing like that at all?), and the reactions you had from the people you hoped would support you were so hideously unhelpful and lacking in compassion.

Being pregnant must be really triggering too.

The nature of trauma means your brain hasn't yet processed the experience properly in order to mark it up as "happened in the past" and filed it in your archives. That's why it's still intruding into your present. It's not something you've done or are doing wrong causing it and it won't last forever. Your brain will keep working at processing it.

You might already know all this, but I thought I would say it as understanding what's going on can be helpful and might make you feel less powerless.

What do you do when that anger surges up inside you? Do you try and squish it away or do you have any outlets that help?

When painful memories intrude are you able to comfort and reassure yourself, or connect with the present? Can you tell yourself "this will pass" until it eases? Do you have distractions that help?

If writing things out to play here felt therapeutic have you tried a journal?

I don't expect you to answer all my questions by the way, I'm just thinking about things that might ease your pain. Please ignore this post if it's not helpful.

I hope things do get easier and less painful for you.

"To post here" not "play here"! Stupid technology.

It might be worth speaking to gp op because having thought about this I’m wondering if you could have a degree of PTSD? I’m not a health care professional so no expertise but I’ve read that EMDR can help with these kind of flashbacks.

I don’t know if you are reading but sending you an un mn hug in case you are and in case you want one