Scared I'm having a nervous breakdown

[elc19]

I thought I was coping okay with my 8th miscarriage but turns out I'm not.

Had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night, kept hearing the lady say "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat" over and over and eventually I think my heart rate was so high I passed out, I ended up wetting myself and waking up in it 10 minutes later, I'm so embarrassed and disgusted in myself.

I went back to work today on reduced hours, couldn't stop crying, has to leave, seen by mental health dr immediately who has diagnosed me with PTSD. Referred to a psychiatrist and in the mean time I've been put on mirtazapine on top of my usual citalopram (10 years + on this), propanalol and diazepam to be taken when absolutely needed.

I lay in bed and think about laying on the train tracks near my house, intrusive thoughts telling me my Husband would be better off and find somebody who he could have children with and a happy life, my DH is so supportive and has never made me feel like this but I can't stop my brain from thinking it.

Has anyone else been in this position because right now I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m so sorry you are having these thoughts and feelings and have had to suffer another loss.

I am/was in a very similar situation except instead of train tracks I wanted to crash my car into a tree on my way to work. The panic attacks. The memories playing over and over. Not being able to stop crying. Self harm. I’m scared of my periods. It’s been awful.

I don’t have experience with your medication but please remember it needs time to work. Did the mental health team give you any one to contact if you felt like this? My GP and therapist have been very helpful and I’ve seen either one of them or both every week until they started to see an improvement, now it’s gradually getting less and less but there’s always an appointment booked and a contact if needed.

I would say talk to someone, and do if you feel comfortable but I couldn’t say most of my thoughts out loud to anyone for fear of what people might think. I wrote them all down and sometimes it didn’t help at all but sometimes it did, I wasn’t dwelling on them as much (don’t get me wrong they didn’t go away and it didn’t stop them coming back) and it was good to empty my brain.

Without sounding to wishy washy, be kind to yourself. What has happened is shit. You don’t need to be strong or any of that, you are ok to be upset and feel down. And there’s no timeline to how long you can feel sad so don’t feel like you have to magically get over it. It’s not going to happen. I wish I’d gone on a phased return to work, I don’t think sitting at home would do any good but there’s been times when I have really really struggled to even get to work let alone do my job.

I don’t know what you’ve done for your other babies but have you thought about a way of remembering them? I balled my eyes out planting a plant in the garden but it’s there to remind me what happened was real (I’m scared of forgetting my baby existed) and a space to think about things

I have a feeling this is a bit of a ramble but there is a light. Sometimes it is just very very very faint and you have to squint really hard to see it xxxx

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice @Avf88 💕

Im so sorry you're going through this too.

Planting something in memory is a lovely idea and I will look into this with DH.

Please keep me updated on your progress and take care of yourself too, lots of love

I'm so sorry you're going through this it's absolutely horrendous.

I'm on mirtazipine too though it's not working for me but everyone is different. But it was great when I was first on it on the low dose really helped. May well make you very drowsy but I suspect you need the sleep.

I've had 2 mc I can't imagine having 8 and well remember the feeling after the 2nd of the emptiness and worry that I'd never be a mum.

Do they have any idea why you keep mc? Have you had tests done?

The "light at the end of the tunnel" may be a tiny pinpoint at the moment but I promise it is still there.

Your dh I am sure would be lost without you. Be there for each other.

If talking helps contact the mental health Helpline's - are you in the Uk? If so which country? Anxiety Uk, no panic, Samaritans and others will listen.

If/When you are up to it if you haven't already contact the miscarriage association, I have found them a great help as have others I know.

Please please as op said be kind to yourself. None of this is remotely fair, nobody deserves this.

Hey @Graphista thank you for your response.

I've had lots of tests but seem to be going round in circles, positive MTHFR gene, positive ANA.

They say to treat me with blood thinners and steroids but didn't work last time.

Currently waiting on DNA testing of baby.

My DH is wonderful and I know I cannot leave him, I love him too much but I can't stop these intrusive thoughts.

I am waiting for my referral to a psychiatrist because they think I have PTSD.

I'm so sorry to hear of your history too, it's all so frightening and sad and lonely.

I've been on mirtazapine for 3 nights now, first night I took it I couldn't string a sentence together and ended up sleeping 20 hours! This seems to have eased with the next 2 doses.

I will definitely look into the miscarriage association.

Thank you so much, lots of love to you xx

Bless you.

I hope the medication helps soon with the intrusive thoughts I have ocd so believe me I know what a nightmare they are.

Hopefully the medics will be able to help soon so that at the very least you may have answers.

The mc assoc are great for support and also information.

I have endo which was only dx during surgery for the 2nd mc which was a rare twin intrauterine and ectopic pregnancy. I then had 2 surgeries for the endo and medical management.

I also from my own research made the decision when next ttc to abstain from alcohol and caffeine, I don't smoke and never have and neither did ex or I would have quit that too of course. I also went as natural as possible (would probably be called "clean eating" now) with my diet and I'm veggie anyway plus I abstained from all the foods that it was advised pregnant women not eat anyway.

Perhaps extreme for some but it felt right for me.

I can't know for definite which of those measures worked but dd is 19 this month.

I have a number of friends who've also suffered multiple mc, late mc and stillbirths and the blood thinning aspect does seem to get ignored until quite late on in my opinion. Several have been successful as a result but not all. I wouldn't wish to falsely raise your hope but at the same time there IS hope.

It's unfortunately often a case of fine tuning the meds as too much blood thinner can cause other issues as I'm sure you're aware.

For now you just need to focus on calm, restful recovery.

@Graphista so sorry to hear of your history but I'm so happy to hear you have your little one.

I too have endo and have had 2 ops for this, on waiting list for my 3rd. Getting pregnant isn't the problem for me it's keeping them.

My DH and I don't smoke and maybe share the equivalent to 2 bottles of wine a week, we also eat healthily, home cooked meals with plenty of veg and fruit in the mix.

Hopefully we get our happy ending too, thanks so much for all of your advice xx

Getting pregnant isn't the problem for me it's keeping them.

Yes I was the same!

1st pregnancy I was on the pill and taking completely properly.

2nd & 3rd pregnancy's took me only 2-3 months to fall pregnant barely any effort at all.

So when I am socially active I use at least 2 forms of contraception unless actively ttc.

Wishing you SO much good luck with all this