Did I leave it too late? Should go again?

[peanutfoldover]

We have a 5yr old DD. I had severe PND after which meant I couldn’t contemplate another baby till a few years ago and then wanted to wean off medication which took about a year.

Started trying for number 2 in Sept and i was pregnant by November. By this time I was (still am) 39. Found out a few days ago there was no heartbeat at 12 week scan, died between 10 and 11 week (I made another thread about this and had such lovely support and advice).

My husband would like to try again at some point, when I’m ready. But something is playing on my mind, given my age and this miscarriage, would we be fighting a losing battle? Are we more likely now to have another miscarriage? Did I simply leave it too late?

Dear Peanutfoldover, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have the answer for you I'm afraid but your situation resonates with my own.
I have a DS aged 4. At the beginning of 2018 we started trying again for number 2. I fell pregnant in April and days after my positive test, I lost the baby. At 37 yrs old, I didn't consider it much more than bad luck, the odds of a mc is 1 in 4 so I figured that's all it was. In Aug 2018 I was pregnant again. My boyfriend urged caution but I was convinced lightening wouldn't strike twice, especially after an easy pregnancy and delivery with my son, and falling pregnant quickly again. An early scan at 9 weeks showed a strong heartbeat, confirmed again by the 12 week scan. However, after some spotting during wk 15, I went on to lose the baby (a DS). It was a very traumatic loss and left me completely blindsided.
As it was a late loss, I have been lucky enough to have had a referral to a specialist gynaecologist. After many more months of trying unsuccessfully to fall pregnant again, a hysteroscopy carried out showed some polyps in my uterus which had likely prevented me becoming pregnant again. Once removed, I did fall pregnant and because of my history, I had an early scan at the Epc last week. The scan confirmed the presence of a pregnancy sac and fetus but with measurements of 5 weeks when I know my dates should have shown 8 weeks. No heartbeat could be detected so I knew then I would miscarry again.
After days of bleeding and, what I thought was the natural expulsion of the pregnancy, a scan on Thursday showed my body had retained the pregnancy sac and fetus. Yesterday I had surgical management and am feeling relieved it is all over. However, like you I am on the cusp of turning 39 and feeling very confused about continuing to try or throwing in the towel.
All the tests carried out after my late mc couldn't find anything wrong (which the exception of the polyps since removed). My partners sperm has come back normal as has his karyotype test.
All the medical staff I have seen during this difficult journey has urged me to continue and made promises it will happen. As I dress a bit like a student I don't think they realise I'm the age that I am and wonder if they would really be encouraging me to continue if they checked my notes and realised my age.
I don't where to go from here and what further tests to push for. I wish I could give you assurance that it will happen for you. X

I believe that everything happens for a reason. If u hadnt miscarried maybe the baby would have been born with some difficulty or disabled. Dont lose hope. If you really want another try and try again. I can only imagine how crushed you are and i know it i having a negative effect and impact but nothing worth having in this life is easy. I wish you all he best. Be positive. Age is a factor but it is only a number and women much older tha you are pushing out sproggs

@cwalsh2002 @Aisah thank you both for your replies.

@cwalsh2002 I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. It’s just heartbreaking. All of that hope, the reassurance of having a heart beat on one scan, only to find it had died later. One thing is for sure now is that I won’t be able to enjoy a pregnancy until I can feel movements, and even then I will be paranoid until that baby is in my arms. 9 months of constant anxiety. But worth it for a much wanted baby.

I stupidly allowed myself to picture my ‘summer baby’. I was so pleased he/she would be born just before I turned 40 and that the sibling age gap would only be 5 years (which I appreciate is quite big but it’s the same between me and my brother so felt ‘meant to be’ which I know is totally illogical but there we are.) Now the age gap is going to be 6 years minimum.

My DH is also just as gutted but has made it clear he would like to try again. He is able to be slightly more objective than me I suppose and see’s it more of a lottery. The more we play, the more likely we are to win.

I’m suspicious that there’s something wrong with my womb. The baby will have died around the time the placenta was formed.

I’m sure I remember the midwife remarking on my placenta showing signs of poor blood supply after our daughter was born, although she was 15 days late so maybe that’s normal. she’s perfectly healthy.

I think, if I can stay as objective as possible and not think about the future too much eg plan baby names and fantasise about being a family of 4 etc, I guess I could cope with trying again. And I know it’s largely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but if I have to have a couple of weeks off every 9 months to manage a miscarriage it will cause absolute chaos at work. Not that my boss would ever say that, but eventually I’m sure people would start thinking that.

@Aisah you are so right. And I’ve read loads that a baby’s chances of surviving a pregnancy are determined at conception. So nothing we have control over.

I am healthy buy could be fitter.

I’m considering getting some private tests done to check out my womb. We don’t have difficultly conceiving but maybe my fibroid has grown or something. We’ll see.

I had a Mmc at 39 (surprise pregnancy after other children) went on to conceive and have another at almost 41. Unfortunately since then I've had 3 consecutive mc (mmc, mc, mc) I'm almost 44 now and have come to terms with not having anymore. But at 39 I'd definitely say you're more likely to be successful than not! Xx

@lumpy76 thank you, I really like hearing stories of pregnancy success after my age. Lots of my cousins have successfully had babies after 40. I feel like, genetically, I have a good chance because of that. My husband is my age but we both are biologically ‘young’ and are mistaken for being younger than we are all the time. Not that that really means anything I suppose. It’s all just speculation isn’t it, until a baby arrives, or doesn’t.

I’m sorry you feel the time has come to stop trying. But at least you know you have it absolutely everything. I had a patient a few years who had a baby at 52 though.... so you never know!

We have considered adoption. Which comes with its own unique challenges I know. It’s hard to decide how many miscarriages I’d be willing to go through before giving up. My cousin had 1 healthy baby and then about 7 miscarriages. They went on to discover her and her husband were actually genetically incompatible and their daughter was nothing short of a miracle.

It really is just random chance. The sheer lottery of life.

@peanut, if you are concerned about the placenta supply perhaps try a daily dose of aspirin 75mg upon conception. This is what my consultant recommended for me (although my placenta wasn't necessarily a concern). Lots of other midwives have told me this too and lots of mums I know swear by it.
Re time of work, I totally get it. I think about that all the time too and wonder if life will start becoming difficult if, every few months I'm back off for another mc. I know that shouldn't be a factor but I can't help but wonder what everyone is thinking. That's the problem with mc, it's quite difficult to deal with it in complete privacy.
Like you, I also let myself think about my summer baby, born while still in my 30s. I even looked at buggies online. Now I feel stupid for letting myself believe it might work out. But, if we don't have hope then I guess there's no point in even trying again.

@lumpy thank you for sharing and giving a glimmer of hope. So sorry to hear of your losses but glad to hear you were able to have some successful pregnancies.

I have 2 bosses at work (one clinical and one managerial) My clinical boss’ reasoning for not worrying about time off work is that, after 15 years of NHS service and at least another 30 to go, a couple of weeks off each year for the next few years is just a blip in a career where I have worked my arse off under high pressure with virtually no pay rise. He’s really very good like that so I’m lucky. I just don’t want to be seen by colleagues working equally hard as me as the person who is off sick all the time, I’m rarely actually ill. I think I’ll just be honest with everyone from now on with any future pregnancies. It’s quite a unique situation isn’t it.