I feel so lost.

[Danielle922]

Last night I found out i had a miscarriage, no one knew i was pregnant but myself and my DH. I went to the hospital and when i got there my little one was already gone. I was 3 months along and didn't know if I would be having a boy or girl yet. When i found out last night I felt numb. Just something was off, I didnt feel anything. Once i got home everything slowly started to set in and i started to look for things i could have done differently. I tried to talk to DH about it and all he has said is "you should feel stronger from this in no time and at least you didn't have to get to know them first then lose them besides you already have 2 kids just focus on them." I feel like my baby deserves the right to at least be mourned and loved, just because i never met them doesn't mean i. Should forget they existed..Since i hadn't told anyone about my pregnancy, i don't feel like i can talk to anyone and i feel like I'm sinking in my own thoughts of what could have been but never will. DH isnt affected at all, the moment we got home from the hospital he just said well, im going to bed. Night. And this morning when i spoke about it he just shrugged and said its not like you lost anyone that you knew. I feel completely lost in how to cope with this loss on my own or even at all, I guess what I'm looking for on here is whoever of you have lost a baby, what do you do in memory of him/her? I thought naming my little one Dakota and having some sort of memorial for myself to have a piece to hold onto their memory might help.

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. You absolutely have every right to be heartbroken and grieve your precious baby. You carried them for 3 months and they absolutely were just as much your baby as your other 2 children. When I miscarried the hardest part for me is that I would never meet them - people said things like 'At least it happened early' but that was so much harder for me as I never got a scan picture, or got to see what they would look like so I can understand what it's like to have those sort of comments.

I don't know your DH, but I know from my own experience my DH was effected but just didn't want to express it - he didn't get upset like I did and I got quite angry at him, but when we spoke about it months later he admitted he just didn't want to think about it. Perhaps your DH is upset but trying to deal with it in his own way? Regardless, if you can, I would speak to him about how the things he is saying is making you feel - I think sometimes people mean well but don't think about the way they are saying things, especially with something like a miscarriage.

In terms of remembering your little one - absolutely do name them (Dakota is a beautiful name - is there a meaning behind it for you or do you just like it?) I never found out if my baby was a boy or a girl so I just kept their nickname we gave them when I found out I was pregnant. I also bought a ring with the birthstone of their due date in it which I wear all the time as I feel like it keeps them with me. I kept my positive pregnancy test too as it felt like the only 'evidence' I had of them existing.

There is a charity called Saying Goodbye, they do public memorial services throughout the UK for people who have lost babies - I wasn't brave enough to go to one when I first lost my baby but I will go when they come back to my city as I think it would be nice to have a proper memorial for them. This is a link to their website: www.sayinggoodbye.org/ and they also have a Facebook page where they post the dates of their services.

I know there's nothing I can say that will make this feel better - but I hope that's helped a bit. Sending all my love to you