4th MC and 3rd MMC in 4 years. I don't know what to do

[Frazzlerock]

Once again we reached 9 weeks and had a scan for 'reassurance' - because we can't possibly be unlucky 4 times,
Turns out we are. Yesterday we discovered our beautiful baby's heart had stopped.
I was so positive this time after having a really successful scan a week before with a lovely heartbeat and spot on for dates. I stupidly thought it's finally our turn for happiness. I had no reason to believe our baby had died only a day before. No bleeding, all symptoms the same. Even craving scotch eggs (rarely eat in normal circumstances) which DP had promised we'd get en route home after the scan.
I called this baby our Fighter.

Now I'm left with the shit decision of whether to have medical or surgical management.
I can't quite believe I'm here yet again.

I've had surgical management twice and just felt it was so clinical and I have no idea if they treated my baby with respect and care while I'm under GA. on the other hand it is quick and easy and recovery is fast.
I've never miscarried naturally at 9 weeks. I don't know what to expect. I know there will be lots of clots from the pregnancy but will my baby come out in one go?
If I go for having my baby at home, will I know when my baby has been born? Or will he/she look like all the other bits that come away?
Is it horrifically painful at 9 weeks?

I hate that I have to make this decision on my own. DP doesn't want to sway me either way as he says it's my body so I must chose, but I know he'd much prefer me to have surgery again,

I'm not coping @Timeforanamechangeagain1
DP refuses point blank to ever try again. He even considered a vasectomy. I'm so broken. I've not stopped crying since we lost our baby and I'm barely sleeping. My head is in turmoil. I just want to feel happy again.

I'm so sorry @Frazzlerock I'm find it hard enough after two so I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you are able to access some help to hope you get through this incredibly difficult time

I'm sorry Frazzlerock, it is a lonely road to walk, broken is how I would describe it. I have slightly different circumstances but I have experienced a late loss and can relate to what you have written.

It is a very lonely road to walk. everyone seems to have another baby after miscarriage. No matter who I speak to, they all say they tried again and had baby, or they are trying again. My hygienist told me last week she experienced similar and then excitedly told me she had twins after her miscarriage. It's all I hear. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and all the hope I've clung to over the past 4 years has been snatched from me.

I've got a 'rainbow' bag hanging in our bedroom full of newborn clothes I've collected through each pregnancy that will never be worn. A bag of maternity bits, and pregnancy supplements. The nursing chair DP bought when we were expecting our 3rd lost baby waiting for me to sit on it and feed my baby. The baby's room which will never have a baby in it after I had imagined exactly how it would look, and had even started buying decorative items which are in there waiting for a baby. All these things I have because I was so confident our time would come, just like everyone else I know.

I'm so empty.