Miscarriage and it seems like no one cares

[KG416]

Hi all,

I suffered a miscarriage (hate that word) a month ago and i have been completely shocked at the lack of interest my in-laws have shown. It was both me and my husband’s first pregnancy and would have been the first grandchild on both sides.
My husband told his parents alone as I couldn’t face it at the time and my mother in law texted me the next day saying “hope you’re ok”. Since then I’ve heard nothing and it’s been over a month. It just feels like they don’t care about what we have gone through or about the loss they should feel too. It was their grandchild.
Just wondered if anyone else has felt something similar? The further through this process I get the more alone I feel. People just seem to think you should move on so quickly and I’m struggling so badly to just accept it and move on. I’m mourning the loss of my first baby and all the magic that goes with pregnancy. Has anyone else felt this as I feel so alone and almost stupid for not being ok with it all now. It’s Christmas day and all I feel is sad - we would have been at 11 weeks today. I don’t want to celebrate when i just feel empty. Any comments would be so greatly appreciated x

I'm not sure what to say, I haven't experienced what you have, but I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for your loss. You lost your first baby and you must be devastated. It's very sad, and particularly difficult at this time of year

Hey @KG416 I'm so sorry for your loss. I think people struggle with what to say/do to help. They probably DO care, but don't want to upset you. Unfortunately it's a taboo subject still, when it happens to so many women.

When I had my first miscarriage, I remember feeling so alone and months on still feeling so distraught. You will feel better I promise, it's okay to feel down and not feel up to Christmas. You've experienced a huge loss. Things will get easier and remember it is okay to ask for extra support. In those early weeks we build a whole new life in our heads of what our baby might grow up to be, the things we might teach them. Miscarriage takes that future away.

I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Be kind to yourself and I hope you're feeling better soon.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my first at 6 weeks, which I know to some people is nothing, but I think I was grieving for what could have been. It's difficult for people to understand, particularly early on. But try not to focus on others too much. As long as you and your partner acknowledge it, talk about it, and be there for eachother that's the main thing. I got us both a little keyring with Angel wings just to mark it, just to acknowledge that it happened

I think people just don’t know what to say or don’t want to mention it incase it drags everything up for you.

I was due end of March but had a MC at 12weeks (in September). I already have 2 DC and my partner 1 but would have been our first together. We were devastated and the MC was quite traumatic as I had full labour pains but we are coping with it and trying to move on. My mum knew I was pregnant and was excited to be a grandma again and was upset for us that it ended but she hasn’t mentioned it again but I think she just doesn’t wanna upset us. I have a couple of very special friends who have asked me how I am doing and I can talk to them if needed.

Just talk to each other about things so your little one isn’t forgotten and hopefully 2020 will be w better year for you.

It’s rubbish isn’t it. I lost my baby nearly 4 weeks ago at 20 weeks. I understand that people don’t want to upset you by saying the wrong thing but to be honest their silence is more hurtful than anything they could ever say. I’ve found grieving to be a very lonely experience which has made it all the more difficult to deal with. I wish people would acknowledge that my baby was a life that was lost and deserves to be grieved over just like any other life and not brushed under the carpet. Feeling uncomfortable talking about pregnancy loss is no excuse, don’t they think that this is uncomfortable for us too?? So sorry for your loss, you can talk here as much as you want and I’ll be listening x

I'm so sorry. I've had 2 miscarriages and I often think I'm the only one who still remembers and misses them. They would have been 14 and 8 now.

For me I think there might be two factors at play.

One, they've never been through it themselves. That can, for some people, make it hard for them to understand how you might be feeling.

Two, some people are terribly practical. I worked with a man whose Mum passed away and he was very philosophical about it and carried on working. My Mum died and I fell apart. I won't say more as it might hurt your feelings even more but I think you know where I am coming from.

I am very sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage.

I don’t think your in-laws are are doing anything wrong. They can’t know what you would like them to do as everyone is so very, very different. Another person in your position might welcome them not asking or talking about it. There is no right or wrong way of dealing with it.
I think you are wrong to assume that they don’t care.

I’ve miscarried and while I liked the fact everyone was very sweet to me when it happened I wouldn’t have wanted people other than my husband and my own Mum raising the matter at other times.    (Nothing to do with being too embarrassed to talk about it though) 

Have you spoken to them about it? What does your husband think?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sure they do care very much and probably want to talk about it too but don't want to upset you by bringing it up. Some people find it really hard discussing painful subjects.

Agree it’s a taboo subject. And the attitude especially of that generation, is just to put it behind you and carry on and try again. It’s not wrong. It just may be different to yours. I found my miscarriages hard and found emotional support from DH and friends although after a time dh wanted to forget about it and just start trying again. I didn’t really expect any emotional support from his family to be honest anyway.

My parents/ILS are of the generation where you waited to miss at least two periods before confirming a pregnancy and my mother has admitted herself she doesn't consider it a baby until 12 weeks - I've lost 7 babies 12 weeks and under all with heartbeats but I still receive little to no compassion. I'm used to it now though

The good thing is it has made me and DH stronger together as we've had to go through it all on our own.

I’m a bit like itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted ‘s parents. I think it’s slightly sad for a few days but not a huge deal since about 1:4 early pregnancies miscarry. In my day it wouldn’t be considered a miscarriage under about 10 weeks as you didn’t pregnancy test so early.
I’d expect to support someone through recurrent miscarriage or late pregnancy loss but a single early miscarriage wouldn’t really trigger a thought that more than a passing acknowledgment was needed. It wouldn’t be about not having the words it would be about not magnifying something I would think best dealt with as a relatively normal event rather than a catastrophe.
It’s sad but not usually life changing unless you choose to make it so. It’s so common as to be normal, unfortunately.

I had an early miscarriage 41 years ago. I was obviously very upset when it was happening but I recovered quickly and put it behind me. I think there's a real generational gap in the response to miscarriage and you're expecting a response from your parents and in-laws that may not be in their emotional remit.

I'm v sorry for your loss @KG416
I have had 4 first trimester losses and the first hit particularly hard. I ended up talking to someone presumably of cherrypavlova 's generation who was still upset about a loss 30 years earlier having been told to keep a stiff upper lip and get on with it, so I say grieve how you need to. If you' ve never been through it, I think you understand the need for support through the physical loss but not the emotional loss which lasts much longer. Having none of the established rituals for saying goodbye when somebody dies doesn't help - you might find it helps to plant a tree or choose some memorial jewellery. Find a 'tribe' of people who have been through it you can talk to - either here or through the Miscarriage Association, it really does help. Basically do whatever you need to do in order to work through a grieving process and sod what anybody else thinks.

I’m so sorry for your loss x

Sometimes people don’t know how to react or say. My in-laws are completely the same, I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago they haven’t said anything to me or offered any sympathy.

My mum went through two miscarriages so she’s been very supportive and knew exactly what to do and say. My miscarriage was a traumatic experience but I wanted some sort of support from my MIL or at least support my husband because it’s hit him hard as well but she hasn’t even bothered to help comfort him.

I’ve come to realise that I just don’t think she knows what to do, so I’m happy with my mum and husband being there for me. I have them to lean on if I feel upset or don’t feel good. Is there someone else you could turn to?

Nimz86. So sorry about your miscarriage.
Have you talked about it to your in-laws? I understand your in-laws not bringing it up to you though. They may think that you don't want to talk about it so may be thinking they are doing the right thing. I had an early miscarriage and I didn't want to discuss with anyone apart from a few people. It wasn't because I was shy to talk about it it was just I prefer not to talk about it with more than my very closest family. (I love my in laws but I didn't want to talk about it with them.). It's honestly what I would have preferred.

Also it might be hard for them to talk about it without getting very upset. My Mum cries at the drop of a hat so is pretty rubbish at offering support. She is the most wonderful Mum in the world but she genuinely can't stop crying if she is upset. I love her to bits but she wouldn't be my go-to person if I were very upset. Maybe you in-laws are actually devastated but don't want to make it seem like it's about them and not you.

It's difficult as everyone deals with it differently. No way is right and no way is wrong.

I think if you want support or acknowledgment then you should
Speak to them or ask your husband to.

I’m a bit like itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted ‘s parents. I think it’s slightly sad for a few days but not a huge deal since about 1:4 early pregnancies miscarry. In my day it wouldn’t be considered a miscarriage under about 10 weeks as you didn’t pregnancy test so early.

^I know many young people who have this same view of miscarriages.

Every lost life is full of meaning and worth grieving, totally disagree that it’s ‘slightly sad’ and ‘not a big deal’. You never know how much that baby might have been wanted or the troubles a couple might have gone through to conceive. Fine to hold as a persona opinion but terribly insensitive for people grieving a miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

The poem ‘The Snowdrop’ sums pregnancy loss up perfectly x

I am so sorry for you loss I am also suffering from my first miscarriage it has been horrendous if I am honest because I can not get a definitive answer from the doctors I should be 14 weeks but the fetus is the size of a six week old fetus. They have asked me to go back to check the size which I did and it slightly grew (although still no heartbeat and no where near as much growth as they would expect) the doctors asked me to go back again in another week. The logical part of me knows this is over but with the doctors not giving me any definitive answers it’s so hard plus I am still carrying it round with me and it is so physiologically hard! I really get what you mean I feel like I am in a private hell. My partner has been amazing but no one can understand this unless they are going through it. I have also had friends who text me the next day being so supportive and now I don’t hear from them I feel like I have a time limit on my grief. I feel your pain I only hope it gets easier soon

Thank you everyone for your insight, it has been helpful in understanding different reactions to this nightmare.

I don’t think anyone can understand the feeling of the loss unless you’ve gone through it. No matter how early stages a baby was, in my head this was my baby and I’m grieving for the loss. Each to their own.

@Kwrphbs8 I am so so sorry to hear your story. It’s horrendous to go through what we both have. The waiting is sheer torture. There are no words to make it better but please know that you’re not alone. People expect you to move on but I now know I will take it at my own pace and you should too. Don’t pressurise yourself to move on if you don't feel you can right now. I’m going to try and now treasure the good memories I have of my little miracle.
Sending you love and best wishes for the next scan x

Also @London91 thank you for your kind words - it was incredibly comforting. And the other posters who know the feelings I really appreciate reading your perspectives.
And @HenrysHome I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’ve gone through. You must be unbelievably strong and thank you for sharing x