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Don't know how to handle Christmas with pregnant sister in law
16

rmaun1986 · 17/12/2019 21:26

Hi all,

I posted on here a few weeks ago regarding my sister in laws pregnancy shortly after my loss. To outline it briefly, they fell pregnant within about 2 weeks of finding out we were. This was our first, but their 3rd with 12 years between their eldest and now youngest. Pregnancy hadn't been on their radar until we announced ours; it felt like thunder stealing to be honest, and I know thats possibly irrational and an assumption. People on here helped me see that theres often no logic in deciding to have a baby, and possibly hearing about ours made them want another. I know my emotions on this are skewed and possibly not 100% accurate. None the less, it has been a hard pill to swallow. I just wish they had waited a few months atleast and let us have some time given our 1st pregnancy, albeit, one that never materialised in the end :(

It was made harder by the fact that she handled it terribly with me. She did it all via txt, message after message about her guilt and how my loss was making her feel like she isn't allowed to celebrate, wished she didn't have to tell me at all (whatever that meant) and a whole load more emotional manipulating including asking me not to resent her or her baby. I handled it well with her but was dying inside, and have really struggled to forget about the thing she said to me and to be honest, how selfish she has been with this.

Up until now, we had a good relationship. I considered her a friend. This has changed my perspective on her. She hasn't remotely considered how I may be feeling or how present my pain may still be, and I feel like I have to mute it all for her sake and comfort, given that she is actually the one pregnant. Not me. She and her partner are pretty firery too, and part of me feels like even if we did indicate some discomfort to them or how its been handled, they were make us feel like we were the worst people, turn it on us.

We don't live close by, and are due to see them this weekend for Christmas celebrations. I was already dreading it, feeling really anxious about how I would feel seeing her pregnant. How would I act? Having to sit and pretend to feel comfortable with the family being excited about what's to come, when inside i'm broken, empty and screaming.

This evening, they have decided to announce on social media their pregnancy with a 20 week scan. Not only did this trigger me to my scan picture and loss, but I can't help but again think they've not even considered how that would feel for me and my husband. We haven't even seen them since our loss, to talk as a family about it. Then she told me about her pregnancy which was basically asking me NOT to show my feelings on my loss as it made her uncomfortable. And now, within days of us seeing them for the 1st time since this all happened, its all about their excitement and celebration. Couldn't they have waited to announce to the world just by a few days, so we could have at least ripped the bandage off. It just feels like there is no consideration, that they just don't care what we are feeling.

Am I wrong? I really really don't want to go now but i feel like if i don't, i'm the bad guy. I lose regardless; if i go, i have to sit with my discomfort, saying and showing nothing about how I am feeling and the worst life experience so far. If i don't go, they will probably judge me as "resentful" and I miss out on time with the rest of the family too. It could also make a bigger problem in the family in the long run. I'm shocked at the physical reaction i have had in my body seeing their scan. I feel sick. What if i can't control my grief being around them/her?

I really don't know what to do for the best. I know there's no right or wrong here, but can anyone relate to this or share ideas of how I can do whats the most useful thing.

Every time i think i'm moving forward, something happens that sends me back. :(

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Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 21:30

I'm so sorry about your loss and you're quite clearly struggling hard still

From what you've posted, and your interpretation I think she's tried to empathise with uou, and either done it not so well, or your pain has made you interpret it maliciously.

It is very difficult situation, and if you can't handle it, then you should not go this time, but you do need to accept her pregnancy will be discussed. I'm sorry.

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PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2019 21:32

I just wouldn’t go. Say you’ve got a d and v bug. Even if people judge you, if might be better that than having a big blow out.

Grief is a funny thing that isn’t at all logical. Have you had any counselling? Sorry for your loss. Flowers

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misspiggy19 · 17/12/2019 21:35

From what you've posted, and your interpretation I think she's tried to empathise with uou, and either done it not so well, or your pain has made you interpret it maliciously.

^I agree.

This evening, they have decided to announce on social media their pregnancy with a 20 week scan. Not only did this trigger me to my scan picture and loss, but I can't help but again think they've not even considered how that would feel for me and my husband.

^YABU- they waited until 20 weeks to tell others. How they decide to tell others is upto them.

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Redlocks28 · 17/12/2019 21:36

I can appreciate you are upset, but she hasn’t actually really done anything wrong. Grief can get you in funny ways and give you quite irrational feelings.

Say you have a sickness bug and don’t go to the Xmas do if you can’t cope with it though.

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PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2019 21:37

This isn’t AIBU misspiggy. This is the miscarriage board.

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chlo04 · 17/12/2019 21:50

@rmaun1986

Oh my, this is exactly what happened to me and it was so hard.

I lost my baby and two weeks later my sister in law was pregnant!! They kept it a secret from us till she was 12 weeks and everyone handled it really badly.

All I can say is, if you can. Try stay away. Don't put yourself through having to see her sit there and rub her bump. Some women are awful and will do that just for attention!

Take care of yourself and step away💕 my heart really goes out to you as this was the hardest thing for me.

I'm okay with my sister in law now, keep her at a arms length and as for the baby. I have no resentment towards them ( I thought I would) but I don't at all.

The day we met the baby and it didn't look anything like I thought my child would. I felt instantly better.

I really hope your okay ❤️❤️

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Pilot12 · 17/12/2019 21:52

I had a miscarriage last year at 12 weeks and I completely understand how you feel about being around a pregnant women. You are obviously still very upset about your loss and if I were you I would not go to the Christmas event. You will feel better in time and you won't be avoiding your SIL forever.

Your SIL hasn't really done anything wrong, she is allowed to celebrate and enjoy her pregnancy and in the future you will conceive again and will be able to do the same.

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mummagirl · 17/12/2019 21:58

I understand
Similar situation to mine some time ago
I couldn't handle it at all and everyone else handled things badly
No right or wrong answer
Protect yourself as best you can and accept your upset
It will be better but will take time

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Redlocks28 · 17/12/2019 22:03

They kept it a secret from us till she was 12 weeks

That makes it sound like it was a weird massive thing-most people keep pregnancy a secret until 12 week! I certainly did-from my siblings as well as friends.

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Teachermaths · 17/12/2019 22:09

I think you are taking out your pain on the wrong people. She hasn't got pregnant to spite you or be nasty. Perhaps it was a surprise for them.

You are clearly hurting and your pain is meaning you are over reacting. Her pregnancy isn't about you.

She sounds like she's tried to handle it well. People on here reccomend texting rather than calling if you know the person you are telling will struggle with the news.

She's waited until 20 weeks to share publicly, again this is her choice. She should be allowed to celebrate.

I hope in time you will hurt less and see that her actions aren't about you.

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Goingslightlycrazy1 · 17/12/2019 22:14

What a horrible situation to be in, I've had similar and know how hard this is. You need to look after yourself, do you have to go? Maybe you have flu? I have avoided family gatherings for similar reasons to preserve my mental health. Whatever you decide to do I wish you strength Thanks

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chlo04 · 17/12/2019 22:15

@Redlocks28

It was the way it was handled. They actually told EVERY family member including children and kept it a secret from just me and my partner. They was going to do so untill she was 20 weeks.

I'm not posting for lectures, just to support op

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ZenNudist · 17/12/2019 22:21

They are allowed to celebrate. This is a time of celebration for them. You might not like it but it is. You probably do need to work on accepting this.

You are allowed to feel upset. I think a fake sickness is a good idea. You won't be able to hide your feelings anyway and then it will cause more problems. In fact distance yourself from them at this time.

But you really are going to have to drum it into yourself that your sister-in-law has in fact not done anything at all wrong by getting pregnant or sharing the good news. She sounds like she empathises.

Its a bit much expecting you to be happy about the situation. If she raises it say you aren't blaming her but its a really tragic set of circumstances. If she can't handle this is your reality then she's not as nice as you say.

Seek counselling. Don't let this drag you down.

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kittycat01 · 17/12/2019 22:50

I've been there and it was very too soon and I felt like shit! Please don't go! You'll feel better over time but I would make something up last minute so you don't have to go! All the best and I promise it does get easier in time x

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Ginger1982 · 17/12/2019 23:03

You are allowed to feel upset, but equally she is allowed to celebrate.

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Astella22 · 17/12/2019 23:20

I’ve been in a similar situation with a loss at 12 weeks but in my case everyone was so understanding at me keeping my distance for a few mths. I didn’t want my grief overshadowing anything but also from the other side there was no big social media announcement etc, kept low key or at least low key from me. We all have a fantastic relationship today.
My heart goes out to you as it’s a really tough shitty position to be in but I’d say be selfish and do whatever makes u feel good worry about what everyone else will think further down the line, u might be surprised at how much people will understand even if they don’t mention it, some people just don’t feel able to comment on a miscarriage but it doesn’t mean they don’t empathise.

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