How to move on from a miscarriage

[Cala2019]

Hi all,

I went for my 12 week scan in October and we were given that awful news that nobody thinks will happen to them until it does.... I had a missed miscarriage. I had to have a D&C to end the pregnancy at 13 weeks 3 days.

4 weeks on I’m coping a bit better (in the sense that I can function again without bursting into tears constantly and without warning) but my HCG levels have only now dropped off and I’ve just confirmed it with a pregnancy test as instructed by the hospital (feels so strange to want a negative result in that test).

How do people cope with miscarriages? My husband and I have dreamed for a child and now our hopes and dreams for our baby as well as our future are gone. We have no other children so the loss feels that much more bitter, that we have no kids to comfort us and parenthood is not guaranteed.

How do people recover from this type of loss? I don’t care about my job anymore, I no longer care about the problems my loved ones complain about, they all seem trivial in comparison. I don’t know anyone who has had a miscarriage and so I feel very alone. Loved ones offer their sympathy but I don’t think they truly understand what a loss it is as they have no connection to a baby they never met. But I carried my baby for a trimester and my life changed the moment I got that positive result. How do I heal?

I wish I had a magic answer for you lovely. Im nearly 2 weeks post miscarriage (8+1) and I am still in bits.

I just wanted to come on and give you a massive hug and let you know that your not alone xx

Did the hospital offer you counselling? If not the miscarriage association has a helpline. We went to a saying goodbye service they hold them all over the country and felt like we said goodbye to our baby. I also has a missed miscarriage in January. It is so hard especially as people don't talk about it.

@Cala2019 sorry to hear of your loss, there really aren't any words that anyone can use that'll make it any better for you, reading up on positive stories and outcomes I find gives you a little bit of hope to carry on.
I had my second mc last week after thinking "it surely can't happen twice" so have been pretty down with that.
I've found that the feelings we have are the same as the grieving process, what you're feeling is normal and ok, it's been the anger and resentment that's been hardest for me to get passed, working in a tearoom I have a lot of mums n babies that I have to smile at and pretend I'm ok with

Hi @Cala2019, how are you feeling today? Unfortunately I don’t have any advice but wanted to let you know that the exact same thing has happened to me today. I can’t believe I got to what I thought was 12 weeks to be told the baby has no heartbeat and it stopped growing at 8 weeks. I have just been in complete shock all day and keep bursting into tears. It just seems so unfair. I am now waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally. Sending a big hug and hope you’re ok 💐. I am sure it will happen for us both in the near future 🌈 xxx

Thanks so much ladies. Nice to talk to others who can relate and I’m so sorry for your losses too. Nobody deserves it. The bereavement midwife spoke to us but I don’t remember being offered counselling. I might reach out to them, I’m sure they can provide something. The hospital hold a service every October for the miscarriage babies. My miscarriage happened after it so we’ll go next year. I got a keep sake piece of
Jewellery to wear with the birthstone month that my baby was due, might sound silly but it’s nice to have something to wear and know it’s meaning.

We were told to wait for one period before trying again and found that so hard. Took a lot of will power to not ttc this month.

Hi @MilsCookie,

I’m so sorry you’ve gotten such terrible news. It’s not fair.

I can imagine what you’re going through today, having that huge excitement broken and having the rest to process. Sending you lots of hugs. I’m sure we will both have our babies in the future and they will be so loved.

@Tiniestsky I’m so sorry you’ve went through this twice. I’ve found it hard to be around babies since. I think it’s only natural isn’t it, not nice having constant reminders.

@MissSparkles81 so sorry for your loss. Thanks so much for your response, I was in a bad place until I read it. It’s so important to know you’re not alone x

Not a problem lovely. Ive found this forum to be such a massive support. I wasn't given much information from the hospital so to be able to come on here and speak to ladies who get it is such a relief.

Take care of yourself and keep posting xx

@Cala2019 that’s so lovely that you got a keepsake piece of jewellery. I might do something similar. Do you mind if I ask why you had to have the D&C? Was it because the miscarriage wasn’t progressing? I am currently just waiting for my miscarriage to happen and I have been having on and off brown/red discharge for the last two days so I suppose this is the beginning. I just have no idea how long it’s going to take so it’s quite daunting. I’m currently travelling as well (in Vietnam at the moment) so I can’t just easily pop to a hospital. It’s weird because for the whole of my 11th week I was having spotting, but thought it was normal, then pretty much as soon as I found out we had lost the baby the discharge became more brown and more of it. It was like my body needed to hear the news to believe it. Sigh. I just feel so sad.

Sorry to hear of all your miscarriages.
My mmc was 6/7 months ago and only since my due date passed over a week ago have I felt ready to move on. I realised that I've spent the whole time looking back, not forwards and now I finally feel that I can. I developed such extreme bitterness and anger over my loss and it totally consumed me.

Let yourself feel what you need to feel, write it down, scream into a pillow and cry if you want to cry. You have done well to not ttc this month. I tried immediately after and I drove myself absolutely insane for 8 whole weeks with ridiculous stress levels. In hindsight, I shouldn't have.