Sister in law revealed pregnancy after my mmc

[rmaun1986]

Hi all,

I know 'dealing with others pregnancies' is not an unusual theme for people like us, but this one is feeling extra tough.

My sister in law has 2 sons 11 and 7, and told me when we found out we were pregnant that they were done as theyd had their 1st very young and were now financially in a position to start enjoying life.

It seems that the idea of her brother and I having a baby changed that, and only 8 weeks into our 1st, she too got pregnant.

We had a missed miscarriage at 12weeks which was in early September. Life is continuing as per, work, friends etc. But I mostly feel sad and pessimistic, like theres nothing to look forward to anymore. I wasnt desperate for a baby, but now it feels like this loss has changed me as a person. I think about it 24/7. I dream about it. I struggle to look my pregnant colleague in the eye.

Yesterday, my sister in law revealed her news to us. She hasn't told the family or her other kids and is due in May. She said guilt was making this not something to celebrate and she had been scared to tell me.

I've said all the things that are reasonable and fair. Not to feel guilty. This is her pregnancy not mine. That I was happy for her but of course sad for me
Etc etc etc.

But honestly, I'm mad. I feel like I'm back to square 1 of the grieving process. That the pain of my situation is screaming back at me. That it will continue like this now I get to watch her grow, her sons be excited and the rest of the family. All the while having to be fine because let's face it, I'm not pregnant and she is, and so its just selfish to make any of it about me.

Pathetically, I'm mad that she went and got pregnant so close to mine!! Couldnt she have let me have my moment. I know how stupid and bratty that sounds. So not only is my pregnancy over shadowed, but my loss too.

She asked me not to resent her or her baby. Again, I've been the person socially I should be and haven't indicated any of how I feel to her, but wtf? Now I'm responsible for her guilt too and have to go out of my way to ensure I dont appear resentful.

I'm so mad, and sad and really feel like life just wants to maintain my suffering for as long as possible. But I have to hide it all and pretend I'm happy and fine, as otherwise I'll be seen as resentful.

😔

I have been there and it’s tough. You are grieving at the moment. On her being ‘done’, a lot of people say this and don’t completely mean it. It could be she has deep down wanted a third for years. I also often say I am done because my DH won’t let me have another - it’s my defence mechanism. I persuade myself I am by saying it. But sometimes other people getting pregnant can trigger a ‘now or never’ sort of reaction in people. Wanting a baby isn’t a rational thing. You must feel so raw at the moment and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt but you will get through it. What helped me was focusing on my new niece and forcing myself to feel excited about being an aunt again. It did help but you could also think about your future plans and whether you want to try again/when etc. You could also book something nice to look forward to around your due date, this helped me a lot.

By the way you are not pathetic - how you are feeling sounds very normal to me given what you have experienced.

Thank you @Emmapeeler1 I can imagine this probably is a very common kind of example.

Right now I'm not sure I can even see her. Part of my healing was talking openly about the miscarriage with those close to us. Not constantly, but when it came up. Due to distance, we haven't actually seen them yet and now I feel like my grief has to be muted around them all as it will make them uncomfortable. I hope I can start to feel excited for them, but right now I feel so utterly devastated and sad.

We were just yesterday talking about what next for us, all the what ifs and fears etc then we got the news and I feel like my pain is so raw all over again. I honestly dont know how to keep moving forward as it just doesn't seem to get easier.

What helped me was joining a thread about trying after a miscarriage as lots of people were in the same boat with the same fears and worries, who were also dealing with. It was so helpful so be able to talk freely with people who really got it. This sort of situation definitely came up a lot.

Sorry, meant to say above, who were also dealing with friends/relatives announcing pregnancies.

I feel u. I had 2 MMC in 9months this year. My 1st pregnancy was 1month apart from my in law. She delivered her baby last month, while I grief yesterday for what I should have as my baby from my 1st pregnancy.
To top that up, last week I had d&c for my 2nd pregnancy. This time, my pregnancy was 1month apart again, with my sister.
I hardly hold my tears when I met my sis in law yesterday, seeing how happy she is with her 1mth baby. I dont know how I'd act when my sis deliver next year. Seeing her bump now always pierce my heart n remind me of my 2nd loss.

I don't think this would ever go away. Hugs to u.

@shv13 I'm so sorry for the pain your having to endure again. It's so tough and sometimes the ongoing nature of this just gets too much to deal with. Having to go through someone else's Joy's whilst experiencing one of the biggest feelings of grief possible is just an impossible situation. I'm not sure the person celebrating always considers/gets that, it's like we have to be the ones to contain our emotions instead.

I'm in a better place this week but reading my post back I know I will feel like that again at some point. We are just in the position of talking about trying again and I'm trying to focus on the potential outcome rather than the risk of it happening again, yet it is constantly in the back of my head 😔

I'm truly sorry for your losses. Its reassuring to know we always have each other on here to turn to and knowing they get it. Xx

Hope you are ok OP. It has happened to me twice- my sister and SIL both had / are having babies within weeks of due dates of ones we lost. I agree with you and others that the feeling is one of having to mute ourselves so as not to ruin their happiness. It has been very difficult but keep talking and finding support where you can. In terms of trying again, I am now 18 weeks pregnant and all is going well this time which is very healing. Wishing you all the best.

I am also going through something similar, my SIL and I were only 3 weeks apart from each other and we were all very excited until i had a MMC in the beginning on November. It’s been really hard for me, i too constantly think about it. I pulled myself away from my SIL and also my best friend that’s pregnant, i try not too but seeing them and taking to them about their pregnancy is hard on me. We had to go to my SO aunts house for thanksgiving and my SIL was there also, it was the first time me seeing the family since It happened and all i thought about on the way there was everyone’s going to rant and rave about her being pregnant and then there’s me.. who was suppose to be right along with her. My SO parents must have told everyone bc nobody had said anything to me which it made things better. I have my check up next week and after that we should be in the clear to start TTC.. i just want to be pregnant with my little girl again