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The hardest thing I have ever had to do
18

GreenFrog33 · 04/11/2019 19:58

On Thursday my beautiful baby boy was born.

We named him Jonah.

On Monday of last week my waters broke, and by Wednesday morning a scan confirmed that there was no fluid left. The scan also confirmed that our baby was still strong and healthy.

I was 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant when he was delivered.

This was my first pregnancy, following our first round of IVF. We had been trying for two years before starting IVF, there was no explanation for our infertility.

I miss having Jonah with me so much.

I had a difficult first trimester with heavy bleeding, two hospital admissions and a lot of sickness. Everything started to feel better as my second trimester moved along, my bump was suddenly very visible towards the end of week 16 and I was so proud, I felt so beautiful.

I wanted to share my story when it’s still very clear in my head and in my heart. I’m scared I will forget him, scared I will forget the way he made me feel for that time.

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Hoppinggreen · 04/11/2019 19:59

I’m so sorry for your loss
Be kind to yourself, grieve any way that feels right for you x

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LucileDuplessis · 04/11/2019 20:01

I am so sorry to read this OP. Rest in peace, beautiful little Jonah.

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Si1ver · 04/11/2019 20:02

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hear Jonah's story.

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Quartermaster · 04/11/2019 20:05

I’m so sorry for the loss of your little Jonah. I miscarried my twins after IVF and I know they will always be with me, just like Jonah will always be with you Flowers

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GreenFrog33 · 04/11/2019 20:07

Thank you all for your kind words, and thank you for using Jonah's name. To have him acknowledged in that way feels so important even though it hurts so much every time I read it.

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GreenFrog33 · 04/11/2019 20:09

Thank you @Quartermaster, I'm so sorry for your loss too.

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sockittome123 · 04/11/2019 20:10

So sorry for your loss of Jonah Flowers

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ChanklyBore · 04/11/2019 20:12

I’m sorry you have to miss Jonah. It’s supposed to be hard right now. I suggest that you won’t forget, can’t forget,how you feel but it will get easier. I have lost two babies in this way (very similar story, very similar gestations) I haven’t forgotten how it felt or about my babies and I am several/many years on. One day it will be easier, and it will not mean that you have to forget for it to become so. The wounds are fresh right now - be kind to yourself.

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jagack · 04/11/2019 20:16

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jonah was clearly very much loved and cherished - the ultimate job of a parent.

Take all the time to grieve however you see fit but you'll never forget how he made you feel, not if you dony want too x

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GreenFrog33 · 04/11/2019 20:16

Thank you @ChanklyBore, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this twice.

It's reassuring to hear you say that I won't forget him, I hope you are right.

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GreenFrog33 · 04/11/2019 20:20

Thank you @jagack I really don't want to.

There have been moments since it's happened when I haven't been thinking of him and that makes me feel a little guilty. I know it's not realistic to keep crying non stop, but sometimes I catch myself feeling OK and feel guilty.

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GreenFrog33 · 04/11/2019 20:22

Other times though I think it may just be that I think I'm still pregnant and that I'm still sharing everything with him, I catch myself going to rub my bump and suddenly I remember...

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Snaleandthewhail · 04/11/2019 20:23

I’m so sorry for your loss. Jonah is a beautiful name and I’m sure he will remain your beautifully loved baby for life xxx

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ChanklyBore · 04/11/2019 20:25

I realise this doesn’t sound like a good thing exactly - but there are some wounds that heal perfectly and some that leave a scar. When our babies are too tiny to leave a mark on the world they leave a mark on us. Right now it is an open gaping wound but one day it will be a mark that you know is there, and think about regularly, it will likely ache from time to time - but it won’t hurt as it does right now.

I still have my babies’ post mortem forms with the birth certificates in the safe. It’s the only time they existed on paper and I had nothing else to hold on to, so I kept them.

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bobstersmum · 04/11/2019 20:32

Sorry sorry for the loss of your little Jonah. Rip little man, he will always be with you op x

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GreenFrog33 · 04/11/2019 20:36

That's a good way of putting it. He has left such a huge mark on me and I want carry him with me always.

The hospital was so kind and gave us a memory box to keep all of our memories of Jonah in. They took his footprints and handprints as well.

We didn't think that we would be able to take photos, but on Friday we spent more time with him, played him some music and took a couple of photos - I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at them.

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AlviesMam · 04/11/2019 20:46

So sorry to here about Jonah- what a gorgeous name.

I lost my son at 22 weeks we named him Alvie.

We have a shelf in the spare room (was going to be his nursery) where we display the memory box and his ashes and his scan photo.

Time is a great healer and I can guarantee you will never forget him! Jonah will hold a place in your heart forever.

Look after yourself and cry when you need to, let it all out. Good and bad days will come and go.

Take care xxxxx

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GreenFrog33 · 05/11/2019 10:40

Thank you @AlviesMam, I am so sorry for your loss too.
Alive is a beautiful name, very cute!

We’re thinking that we would like to scatter his ashes by the sea in the place where I fell in love with DH a long time ago. It’s a long way from home so it will be a special place to visit but I won’t feel tempted to go there every day, if that makes sense?

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