How did you decide who to tell about your miscarriage?

[purplefinch]

Hi,

I had a miscarriage that began a month ago at 8 weeks pregnant when I started bleeding. I had a scan the next day and the baby measured too small so we were told to come back in 10 days for another scan to be sure (but from the first scan we knew it was unlikely to work out because we couldn't make the dates work). After that I had a D and C. I had two weeks off work and one working from home, so my colleagues are aware I had health problems (1 week off following initial scan, one working from home when waiting for 2nd scan and 1 week off following D and C).

I have been thinking a lot about the advice about breaking the stigma by talking about miscarriage more - this has recently been talked about a lot in the media because of baby loss awareness week. I feel almost like I am lying to people who know I have had health issues by not saying what it was - and I truthfully wouldn't mind people knowing - but I feel like it is a lot to ask people to respond to if you happen to mention it was a miscarriage. I don't want to make others uncomfortable.

I was wondering if anyone else struggled with this. I am lucky that I do have a lot of friends I have been able to tell and they have been very supportive (although quite a few do not live nearby and have been supportive via whatsapp).

How did you deal with this? Who did you decide to tell and not tell? And would you make the same decisions if you were pregnant again (I found it especially difficult telling people I'd had a miscarriage when I hadn't been able to tell them I was pregnant in the first place, but had to do this out of necessity as had to cancel things with friends and didn't want them to think I was flaky but my excuses were worrying them too much!)

Thanks so much in advance for any advice.

I think it's great that more women want to talk about miscarriage, it is awful that it is still such a hush topic when we speak so openly about other things.

I do think that a lot of people do possibly feel at a loss of what to say and how to react, and for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, may just feel in an awkward place. Certainly I'd have not known how to react, having now had two miscarriages myself I think you naturally relate more.

I didn't tell anyone beyond friends and family both times, and one or two trusted friends at work. I didn't want my boss to know as I was sadly aware it could be career limiting for me if I did.

I wish more was done to educate the general public about miscarriage and the effects on mental health, how to talk to those affected by it, going through it, how to support as a partner, a friend, a family member. Often-times partners are not thought of enough either, no voice that shares their pain.

When something as life changing as a miscarriage happens, we shouldn't have to feel it has to be brushed under the carpet and we have to make excuses and give explanations to cover up something that we get told happens so 'often'.

I'm very open with people - after 5 mc and 2 ectopics I can't be bothered to lie about why I've been off "sick" (and I generally only have a couple of days at a time)

I don't see why I should hide it or be ashamed and if other people feel
Uncomfortable that really is for them to deal with - im already dealing with enough

I also think it's better that people know to avoid any awkward/upsetting moments where you get asked about why you haven't had more children and other friends/family/colleague pregnancy announcements tend to be dealt with more sensitively. I've seen so many people raging angry in other groups but then when you ask if the other person knew their issues they say no! You can't expect people to even start to understand or react compassionately If they don't know in the first place?

It was the people I least expected that have actually been the most compassionate and supportive (boss and clients at work)