Rant about reactions to miscarriage

[Zoey36]

Just need to rant this out so this isn't all building up in my head!
I had a miscarriage last week at 10 weeks.

Hearing how 'it is very common' or 'you're now one of those 1 in 4 women' is just not a helpful comment! Knowing how common miscarriage is only makes me feel more like an idiot for being upset about something that I perhaps shouldn't be.

'It happens for a reason' and 'it's nature's way' make me feel sooooo much better about it. I guess I should actually be full of joy because nature weeded out a rubbish one before I would have had the misfortune to be its mother. One reason nature made someone miscarry was apparently because 'their bathroom wouldn't have been ready in time.' It must have been such a relief when they lost their baby then. Luckily, their rainbow was born post-bathroom. Needless to say, these comments did NOT come from the parents but perhaps they should be reminded of their luck in all this?!

'it was only early, so it wasnt.....' the nurse didn't say any more I assume because it my death stare but I can't help but wonder what would have come next. A proper baby? A big deal? A reason to be sad? I didn't stick around to ask her.

I felt like I was doing okay pos-miscarriage. That I was dealing well with it emotionally. But then I'm made to feel like it is such an everyday, standard thing to happen, that any negative emotion would really mean that I wasnt dealing with it well at all. The only NHS person who has said implied that a miscarriage is a sad thing, was my midwife, who is obviously not my midwife anymore!

Thanks Mumsnet for allowing me to get this out of my brain and onto a screen. I can now continue my day without shouting at people! :)

I’m sorry for your loss
People do say awful things in this situation, some because they don’t know what to say, some because they don’t understand what you are going through and some because they are insensitive shitheads.
My particular favourites are “you can try again” and “it’s natures way”
Take care of yourself and do whatever feels right to you to help you deal with this x

And apologies for all the typos. It really was ranted at pace!

I terminated at 22 weeks for a ffa. I didn't mention the termination bit to most people (e.g. work, neighbours etc) so they assumed a very late miscarriage. Family and friends knew I terminated.

I found the best way to deal with these type of comments is to consider the intent behind them rather than the words. Most people don't know what to say. Most people want to make you feel better. Most people are sympathetic. Most people are also crap at articulating this.

So, unless someone was being nasty (one person who knew about the termination and didn't approve), I took it as a sympathetic comment coming from a good place but just poorly articulated.

Yup heard all of these and more during 5 mc and 2 ruptured ectopics

It's not a baby until 12 weeks......had to explain that the heart starts beating at 6 weeks so me they were absolutely babies

Maybe you should go to church more......I'm not particularly religious but don't you think I haven't prayed.....God hasn't fucking listened so far

Relax and it will happen! No chance of that now I'm permanently infertile

God needed another angel...:..yeah? Which one of your kids would you offer up then?

Maybe you can't carry boys.....well I can't exactly fucking choose now can I?!

Back in my day you wouldn't consider yourself pregnant until you'd missed at least 2 periods......well good for you! I consider myself pregnant as soon as a FRER tells me I am (6 days BEFORE my period is missed)

So many more but I get angry thinking about the shit I've been told over the years!

I’m sorry for your loss OP It’s shit no matter when it is. People can be incredibly thoughtless. I found this recent article about the magic ‘12 week rule’ really interesting : amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/07/12-week-pregnancy-rule-miscarriage-shame-failure

I'm sorry for your loss op . The sad thing is that there is no universal right thing to say. So people would say the first thing that comes to their mind, or something they heard someone say to someone else. You have every right to grieve for your very wanted and beautiful baby.
I hated being told its not fair what happened? Which made me very angry, what do you mean it was not fair!? At that morning I was feeling very grateful to have gotten known my baby and felt a little bit of privilege of having carried such a wonderful baby. Then a midwife says it is not fair?!? What I shouldn't never have gotten pregnant and experience that joy I had for that very short time? That is what I took it to mean, but I had to calm myself down as I knew that is not what she meant. In thoes situation I find it easier to imagine what I hope they mean. It is ok, to miss your baby and pregnancy. It is ok and normal to grieve even though other people expect you to get over it. What does getting over it even mean?

@Zoey36 so sorry for your loss. Just want to say I could have written your exact post and have to restrain myself from smacking people across the face for thoughtless comments and "get over it now". Some people say ignore the comments - I choose to correct people ( in a polite way of course) so maybe the next time they speak to a poor soul who has had a mc, they might be a little more empathetic. Paying it forward in a weird way! I hope you find some comfort it knowing everyone here feels the same way as we do!

I’m sorry for your loss. I think people just don't know what to say and people are just so different too. Some of the things that people have said in this post that have upset them have personally actually made me a feel a bit better and I'm sure there's things that have brought others comfort that wouldn't do the same for me. Having had 3 losses now, I feel the only safe ground is to ask the person how they're feeling and be there for them (if they want me to be). I used to hate hearing that it was bad luck but after my third loss i’m now clinging on to the hope that it is, so what used to upset me now gives me a bit of hope. There's so many complicated and unique feelings around loss.

I'm sorry you've had to put up with such a load of crap. People seem to think minimising your hurt will make it better. I found Brene Brown's short film about empathy illuminating, because I suddenly realised most people just don't have any. Take the time you need to grieve.

www.thersa.org/discover/videos/rsa-shorts/2013/12/Brene-Brown-on-Empathy

So sorry for your loss OP

When it happened to me, I had to force myself to remember that most people, no matter how glib they end up coming across, do have good intentions. The supervisor at work who told me everything happens for a reason, the parent who immediately told us to try again... they meant well, I guess.

Its utterly shit, there's no two ways about it.

Sorry for your loss.
I had a miscarriage at about six weeks but kept bleeding and they were concerned that it was a molar pregnancy. Midwife/ early pregnancy nurse (don't know her title) was explaining that I might need methotrexate and I started crying. She said "don't cry, it's only an injection" and looked surprised when I said I wasn't crying about the jag, I was crying because my baby was dead.
The nicest person I spoke to was the NHS24 person I spoke to when I first started to bleed and didn't know what to do - she was just kind and reassuring.
Anyway, nothing will make you feel better except hopefully time - I did find some comfort in the fact that other people had been through similar, and had eventually stopped crying and their anger at the world had lessened. Look after yourself in the meantime.

I had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks.

I hate that term.

I birthed a baby. The image is forever burned into my brain.

I remember every second of my labour, the d&c afterwards due to a stubborn placenta, the two post partum haemorrhages due to aforementioned stubborn placenta. We had a funeral. I have her ashes. Somehow the words 'late miscarriage' just don't seem to cover all that.

We had all the usual phrases, 'at least you didn't get to know them' 'at least you know you can get pregnant' 'obviously something was wrong', well yes there was actually but funnily enough that doesn't make it any better! Funny that. In the end I was honest with people and said that if they weren't sure what to say then to say just that rather than coming out with well intentioned but thoroughly hurtful things.

I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. You are allowed to grieve. Anyone who tries to imply that you aren't can be told to fuck off. for you. Rant away, we're here to listen.

So sorry for everyones losses 😔. It can feel like such a desperate lonely place. I had a missed miscarriage at 9.5 weeks found out through a private scan. I went on to have medical management which didn't work so I ended up having surgical management. Now ttc again since September and nothing yet.

I've had so many comments like 'at least you got pregnant quickly'- still doesn't mean having a miscarriage doesn't hurt & 'something would have been wrong with the baby anyway, you wouldn't want an unhealthy baby' - no one would, still doesn't make me feel any less resentful that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy, 'do you know putting my legs up in the air worked for me both times' - I got pregnant too !!!!! Miscarriage didn't happen because I didn't put my legs up in the air after sex (can I also mention I have a science bachelor's degree so sorry but I think I understand how to get pregnant properly 🙄), 'you'll get your time' - ttc again feels like waiting a lifetime for another positive test.

Sorry if very ranty but people wind me up so much with their unhelpful comments. All you need to do is say 'I'm so sorry. It's such an awful thing to happen' hugs...

People try to be helpful but actually end up annoying/upsetting me more.

Pregnancy announcements are upsetting me too. You just feel like everyone else is pregnant but you.

Sorry to rant ladies and I'm not a nasty person. I just think miscarriage changes how you view things in your head. I'm not mad at others for having healthy pregnancies but it feels so unfair that I haven't yet. X

@aeastley93 rant away! This is the place to do it! I love a good rant and feel great afterwards! Sorry for your loss. :( Hoping we both have our rainbows soon!

MIL today said that 'often miscarriage is a good thing for the mother.' and that I'll 'get over it when I have another'. and that 'it would have been much worse had it been your first'. (first baby not first mc).

I actually laughed about it on the way home in t car with my husband...because I'm getting braver and less angry haha. Really, I should pull her up on this in case she offers these lovely comforting words to any other unfortunate lady. But It's only us daughter in laws so I think I'll just save her comments for car-laughs!

yep! I'm hearing the need to rant.

The worst things said to us (so far) are:

'Oh well these things happen'

'Oh my god that's my worst nightmare', said before she changed the subject (sat there with a healthy toddler - that was to my husband)

'Well at least you know you can get pregnant' - WT actual F?! Are you kidding me? I nearly hit her.

'Positive thinking will get you through'

And this corker from my boss, whose partner is a sonographer: 'all these girls demand to be seen straight away when they start bleeding and it's unreasonable because nothing can be done about it'.

What struck me about that last one was the absence of even an attempt at empathy. When we're miscarrying and want to be scanned it's because we're desperate to hear that it's all ok. We just want to be told it's all ok.

All of those things we've heard are thoughtless things to say, we' are all grown ups and we all have the capacity to think before we speak. What people are really thinking is 'thank god that didn't happen to me' and then they run their mouth accordingly.

I've actively been congratulating people for saying the right thing, which is something along the lines of 'that's really sh*t, I'm so sorry'. Bonus point for asking me how I'm doing, extra bonus points for asking how my partner is as people are totally ignoring his feelings.

oh! And one think I have learned is to never start a sentence with the word 'at least'. Nothing good comes from sentences started with 'at least'.