Husband pestering for sex while I’m upset

[Amy326]

Been married 7 years, 2 young dc. Sex life has generally been good, not bad considering we have young kids anyway. I suffered 2 miscarriages at the end of last year and early this year, didn’t really deal with it emotionally at the time and just picked myself up and carried on as if nothing had happened, telling myself I was fine. Once it came to the time of year that I would have had a new baby if either pregnancy had worked out I realised I wasn’t really fine and have been grieving I guess. Nothing too terrible but just feeling low, lost in thought a lot, wanting more time on my own than usual. Dh obviously noticed the change but it didn’t occur to him why I might be feeling sad, I told him why and he was sympathetic for a couple of days but then just expected me to be fine again. Did a lot of sulking when I wasn’t immediately ok again and tried to initiate sex a few times, to which I said no. This made him sulk and he did the whole rolling over in a huff in bed thing, which made me really angry.

It’s been about 2 months max with no sex and frankly I don’t want to at the moment. I’m trying to process what happened with the miscarriages and also I feel angry at him for the fact that the miscarriages had pretty much zero effect on him. He didn’t want another baby anyway (I did) so I guess it’s worked out ok for him. Meanwhile I’m left with the emotional scars of losing 2 wanted babies. Am I unreasonable for refusing sex though?? He’s just made a comment about how long it’s been.

How much real conversation have you had with you DH about this? Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling or had any other professional support?

Obviously it is totally understandable to feel the way you do and your DH hasn't been that sensitive if you have really communicated with him and he is behaving this way but is shutting down your intimate relationship going to make any of this better? Will it be effective in getting across how you are feeling to your DH? I don't think so and so you need a proper talk.

I think sex is an important part of a relationship. If you’re not wanting sex because you’re upset and grieving, that’s one thing but deliberately withholding is another.

You cannot be 100% sure the loss didn’t affect him. He may have felt he had to be strong for you? Everyone grieves differently and because he didn’t do it as you did or how you’d expect him to, doesn’t mean it didn’t occur.

Sometimes too, men equate sex with love and genuinely believe that’s how to show love.

Perhaps look at some counseling for yourself and try and nurture your relationship as well.

YANBU.

Yes it’s true that some men equate sex with love but your husband basically doesn’t understand and seems to just be ploughing on regardless.

It’s likely the miscarriage affected him but it’s impossible to quantify this and the only way that you guys will be able to reach any kind of level playing field is by talking.

Unless he has a history of pestering and huffing I’d suggest that you attempt to initiate talking about what happened, in the context of “can we talk about last night? I feel you were really upset with me when I wasn’t up for it” and try to take it from there.

Again, unless he has a history of being a pesterer then this isn’t LTB territory by any stretch of the imagination

Oh and this:

It’s been about 2 months max with no sex and frankly I don’t want to at the moment

is (IME) totally totally fine.

You’re doing the right thing wanting to examine the issue together.

Your upset and that's fine, but just because you dont see him upset doesn't mean before when you miscarried he wasn't.

You must talk to each other, carrying on as you are will only drive a wedge between you, I think your angry at him not for pestering or huffing but because he isnt sharing the same burden as grief as you expect him too

Just because some men equate sex with love doesn’t mean we have to open our legs for them just to keep them happy. What is your husband doing to meet your needs? He’s not talking or allowing you to grieve. That’s selfish and one sided

Thanks for the replies. We have had a few conversations about how I feel but it always turns into an argument because he thinks it’s unfair that I have any anger towards him (maybe it is but I can’t help it at the moment) and he doesn’t really get why I’m not just fine. I think the problem is that I WAS fine and then I hit a tough patch and I just needed space to grieve a bit but he reacted by sulking, suffocating me and getting annoyed that I was feeling down and that I wasn’t immediately fine again because he bought me a bunch of flowers. He even accused me of having an affair and asked if I was going to leave him - at this point I’d literally been feeling down for one week. Then the huffing over refusing sex a couple of times. It’s all that behaviour that has made me more angry to be honest. I just feel I need some time and space and the last maybe 3 or so weeks he seems to have got that a bit more and been better, but then the comment about lack of sex today and I feel under pressure now...

Ok I get that some men equate sex with love but can’t he see that for me when I’m upset over 2 miscarriages (including memories of the physical trauma which I have told him im struggling with) I might not want to have sex?! Surely it’s not that hard to understand

It’s ok for you to not want sex.
It’s equally ok for your husband to fee p’d off about no sex.
We each have feelings which deserve respect.
Your husband needs to respect the fact you don’t want sex right now.
You need to respect the fact that your husband will become frustrated about that.
He’s not forcing you to have sex, he’s just not hiding his displeasure at going months without that intimacy.
Talk about how you feel and about a way forward.

Don’t blame him for not wallowing in grief and don’t resent him for being ‘ok’ because he didn’t want more children anyway. What happened isn’t his fault.

Seek help and support from your gp, to get you through this tough time.

I think you need to look carefully at the issue that he didn't want another baby but you tried to go ahead anyway - twice. It's not what you asked about, but it can't be helping your relationship.

I think you're finding out what he's really like when what he wants (sex) doesn't match up with what you need (space to grieve and sympathy). I wouldn't want to have sex with such an insensitive tosspot either.

What have you been doing in the past two months to address the grief? Have you sought professional help or spoken to anyone?

Are you worried about the idea of getting pregnant again after what you went through with your miscarriages, even if you still want another baby?

Or are you resentful of the idea of having sex if you know it won’t lead to another baby so you think it seems pointless somehow?

Either is possible if perhaps a bit left field.

Good point from @filka - perhaps more issues bubbling under the surface for you both ?

Filka when you say I ‘tried to go ahead anyway’ it does take 2 to make a baby you know - he had sex with me twice (only took one go each time to conceive) without a condom knowing full well that I wasn’t on any other contraception. Then was disappointed that I got pregnant. Twice. I suppose some of my anger stems from that too really, it’s ok that he didn’t want another baby but if he really didn’t then he should have used a condom.

The third baby issue is no longer a problem because I don’t want to try again (not that we were really trying anyway, like I said he just didn’t put a condom on in the moment). So there’s no tension over that now, I’m not prepared to go through any more physically and feel the time has passed. I suppose it just feels like he only got fun out of the situation and I got a load of physical and emotional pain and now I’m trying to deal with that pain he thinks I can just put it to one side to provide sex.

I haven’t sought any professional help because I don’t want to at the moment, I’m not having a breakdown or depressed, I’m just sad about it all and coming to terms with it. Like I said I didn’t process it at the time.

@Amy326
I note your comments re not wanting counselling , and that you aren't having a breakdown, but from what you say about feeling sad etc it seems that you both are not communicating. Surely better to seek help now before things slide further?