Preparing for a Missed Miscarriage

[MOGMOGMOG85]

After 2 days of hell expecting an ectopic pregnancy I have been told that I have a probable missed miscarriage. I am 8w+5 and the embryo is measuring at 6w2d. I go back on Tuesday to confirm.

My cervix is firmly clamped shut, my hormones are high, and I'm starting to worry how long this could take - does anyone have any experience? I'd like to wait for it to happen naturally, and keep hoping to have cramps, but nothing.

It's such a strange limbo, knowing you're still pregnant but with symptoms dropping off, and waiting to miscarry whilst carrying a dead embryo inside. I am sad, but after expecting ectopic I am actually quite calm and just want to get started trying again.

I'm basically asking for any advice on the practicalities of this from anyone who's been through it before? How much longer can I expect to wait? Would anyone recommend doing it naturally, or drugs, or D&C (or whatever it's called)? How much pain/bleeding can I expect? The nurses told me it would be a lot of both.. I'd like to do it at home if possible, and my work know so I can take a couple of days off.

Many thanks in advance, and condolences in advance for anyone else who's been through it xxxx

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. I've been in that position before. I've had three miscarriages now. Two at 7 weeks and recently one measuring 10 weeks.

My first was reabsorbed by my body. It was a pregnancy of unknown location.
Second one was natural and quite painful. It was like a very heavy period with clots that resemble liver in colour. I was relieved it happened at home in my own surroundings.

This time I opted for surgical as I was having tests on baby this time to try to get answers. I had the surgery on Tuesday and it honestly was ok. I can go through everything with you if you do choose this option. But the doctors and nurses will be able to as well. I was showing no signs of miscarrying myself and it had been three weeks since baby died. Even in surgery notes It mentioned there was no signs of it happening. It was called a silent miscarriage.

It's a horrid time. I hope you have someone around. And try not to go through it naturally without someone there just encase.

Xo

Hi @futuredreams,

Thanks for your reply. Gosh 3 times, I'm so sorry :(

I do have someone around. I think I'd like to do it at home but with the option of being driven into the hospital should it become really bad.

I paid for an early private scan on Sunday at 8w2d and they couldn't find anything in there - she could see something but couldn't confirm a pregnancy or ectopic because she couldn't see a yolk sac and apparently matter in the uterus can be present as fluid with ectopic.

I went to hospital on Monday and they were unconcerned because I was asymptomatic but then when they got my blood back they were very worried at the high levels of HGC and at that point I started panicking. I had to wait until Tuesday to have another scan and thankfully the wonderful nurse found the yolk and embryo measuring just 2mm but quite clear, in the uterus.

We had been trying for 16 months for this with no success so it was really important to me to know that it had implanted in the uterus and that I can be pregnant (rather than ectopic) plus obviously the fertility implications of ectopic management, plus it just being damn scary.

So I'm happy that it's in there, even if it hasn't worked out. But sad too, and worried that like you it could keep happening and I never know why. Or that it will take such a long time again :( I don't suppose they'd offer me tests on just 1 miscarriage...

Thanks again for your kind reply. It's amazing how many women go through this, and in a way it makes it easier - I'm not such a freak, it's just unfortunately a very normal thing

xxxx

I had a missed miscarriage many years ago. Found out around 8 weeks from an early scan. I opted to let it come away naturally. It took several weeks (this was nearly 20 years ago so dates are foggy!). I woke up one morning bleeding like a very heavy period, then I had strong cramps and passed something the size of a tennis ball. It all lasted less than an hour. It was painful but manageable.

@MOGMOGMOG85 I'm sorry this is such a tough time. With my first they couldn't identify if it was in my uterus so I can relate to how scary that is. I had bloods every 48 hours I think it ended up being 15 sets of bloods before Hcg hormone started to decrease itself.

Unfortunately they won't offer any tests after one and hearing that is devastating but you need to remember the situation i am in is rare. I don't want you to worry it will happen again because the actual chances are that it won't for you. I was cautiously optimistic with my two after that one so I tried not to let it ruin it all but of course you'll be worried. Try to take every day at a time and let yourself rest x

@MOGMOGMOG85 it absolutely is a normal thing, although that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking or horrible.

I had a missed miscarriage in April this year, I found out around 7 weeks (baby just hadn't developed at all) but by 11.5 weeks my body still didn't seem to know what was happening so I opted for the medical management. I don't know how long after that it would have taken to pass naturally. I won't lie, it was painful but the worse of it was over relatively quickly.

Having a missed miscarriage doesn't mean your odds next time are worsened and it's no indication that it'll happen again. I got pregnant pretty quickly after and while I did spend the first few weeks convinced to my bones that something was going to go wrong, all looks well at 12 weeks.

Sorry you're going through this OP, it's completely shit, but you have every chance of a happy outcome if/when you decide to try again.

@amylou8 thanks for your story, that does sound manageable. Gosh several weeks.. at first I thought I wanted to wait naturally but now I'm thinking I'd like to have it over sooner - they did say we'd probably try medical management on tuesday if it's confirmed..

@futuredreams thank you so much for your positivity, you're right I shouldn't be dreading the worst.. part of me thinks I'm destined for this though - but I guess you just never know, that's the hard thing about trying for a baby - I'm so sorry you have ended up in that rare situation and that must take a lot of strength to come to terms with

@DerbyshireGirly wow 11.5 weeks - that would be too long for me, and weirdly I can imagine my body just holding on like that. I'm crossing my fingers it makes a move sooner though. I'm so happy for you that things are going well at 12 weeks, that's a huge huge step! Congratulations and best of luck to you

I thought I was dealing with this quite well but I've just had a sinking feeling all day and am now feeling pretty low, actually have a sick and empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wonder if my hormones could be dropping too and perhaps that is a part of it.

All through this process of trying to conceive, of the first trimester, of waiting to locate the pregnancy and fearing ectopic, and of now waiting to miscarry people keep saying stay calm, don't hope, don't be sad, look on the bright side, don't overthink it, but I think the truth is you can't stop yourself from feeling. You have to let yourself be taken on this roller coaster ride and you will feel sad and have to go through it. When I was actually pregnant my hormones made me quite sassy and I was really good at telling people to stick their opinions if they were telling me what I should and shouldn't feel/do - now that I'm less hormonal I feel much less sassy but am going to try and hold onto that feeling that it's ok to feel how I feel and ok to do what I need to do.

My small way of trying to stay on the bright side is to remind myself that whilst it's ok to mourn this, it's also something that happened naturally and for the best - this embryo was likely not genetically strong enough to live and my body is doing what is ultimately best for me. And it's natural, as old as life itself - our bodies know when something is for the best as painful as that is, and we should trust them. I feel sort of proud of myself for going through/managing this and I know that one day I will feel better than I feel today.

Best of luck to all of you and thanks for taking the time to chat to me today as it's not a nice time and I don't know anyone in real life who has gone through this xxx

@MOGMOGMOG85 I’m so sorry that you’re in this position, it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

Without wanting to scare you I just wanted to share my experience as I wish someone had done so with me. I had a scan at 10+4 and was told the embryo was 6+6. Had to wait a week for a confirmation scan and then I was going on holiday so made plans for surgical management when I got home. I started to miscarry naturally on holiday (around 10 days after the original scan) and had one night of quite severe cramping and really heavy bleeding, then bled heavily with clots for another 3-4 days before it slowed down. They cancelled my surgery and I had another scan when I got back from holiday which showed retained products so they booked me in for medical management later that week.

That was quite painful and I had heavy bleeding which slowed down a bit after 2 days or so but then I carried on bleeding like a period for 3 weeks before the hospital would see me again (kept getting told to ‘wait and see’). 3 weeks later I still had a positive hpt so they called me back for bloods and another scan showing I still had retained products, at which point they booked me in for surgery. Surgery was quick and not half as painful as I expected, bleeding stopped within a week. From that first scan to stopping bleeding was 8 weeks of hell though!

All of this is to say that I would recommend having the surgery if you want it over with quickly. Having had experience of all 3 options, that was the least painful, least traumatic and quickest solution.

@Longtimelurker01 oh my gosh that sounds so exhausting and probably really really stressful and scary..

I may be being naive but I think I really want to try and do it naturally, or medically, but preferably naturally. Part of me just wants it over, but part of me wants to regain some trust in my body and I feel this could help - unless it backfires of course and it's really traumatic.. I spent 16 months trying to conceive, and was told I had fibroids and an enlarged right ovary. I lost all faith in my body and was convinced I could never conceive. Then when it seemed like the pregnancy was ectopic I was devastated feeling I'd somehow failed again - to provide a good place in the womb for the embryo. I know these feelings are not rational and women aren't to blame for fertility issues, but it was a big fall to earth for me from my initial standpoint of thinking I'd make a great mother and that I was made for this. I know some people would feel themselves a failure for miscarrying, but for me it's the opposite - I know that my womb did it's job and that's huge for me. If it could do it's job and expel the embryo I think that would also be really beneficial for me.

I don't know - I could change my mind. Thank you for sharing your story anyway because I think it's important to know the reality for some people as you say. I'm hoping I have one of the simpler experiences, but if I don't I'll know that it's not that unusual either.

I do feel quite scared but also hoping I will be able to cope, as I have experienced a lot of pain before, and a lot of blood too - although obviously everyone has their limits and I hope this doesn't push mine.

Thanks xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 absolutely, you have to do what’s right for you both physically and emotionally. I just found it really hard to read stories where everything happened really quickly when it all took quite a while for me, but I think I was unusual.

You’ll cope just fine one way or another, it’s amazing what us women can get through! Be really kind to yourself and take it easy. Hope this is over for you soon xx

Hi @MOGMOGMOG85 I have recently had the op and so wanted to contribute. I too was completely in the boat that I wanted it to happen naturally or with management, I don't know why but I wanted to really feel it for closure and let my body do what it's meant to do.

I was really keen on management as I wanted to speed things up so when I went for my second scan to confirm it was definitely a missed miscarriage (a week after the first) it was a real shock to be told my hospital didn't believe in managed and only offer surgery or natural.

My hospital could only offer surgical 10 days after the second scan, which felt like ages having already waited a week. I tried another hospital who could only offer managed 7 days after the second scan.

The waiting killed me, I really couldn't bear waiting and every day woke up desperate for it to start naturally.

I was adamant I would go for the managed 7 days later, then the day before woke up and out of the blue decided I was done with all this and I knew surgery was the best way to ensure it was fully over (I had both booked which hosp said was ok). So although I had to wait a couple of days more I went ahead with the surgery.

I had been told that natural and managed can end up in surgery anyway, having gone through days of pain and waiting, so finally decided this was the best way to get me back up and running again fastest and carry on with my life.

It wasn't easy the op. It was a very long waiting around in hospital all day not being allowed to eat or drink; I went in at 9 and didn't have the op until 4.30.

The op itself was great though, I was terrified of being put to sleep as never had it before but it was a really nice happy sleepy feeling waking up and to be honest the rest of the evening I felt pretty good just out of it really.

That was Wednesday last week.

Thursday I took of work, I was a bit sore and totally wiped out. I meant to go back Friday but woke up still totally wiped. I felt really guilty for not going in but was right decision. The weekend was great to be able to relax, not feel guilty about work and I started to feel better. Monday I came to work and I cried and cried, in the bathroom, in the park. I wasn't so much sad, I've been quite practical about the whole thing, it's my first and until it happens again I want to be positive and believe it was just nature's way. But on Monday I just couldn't stop crying, i think it was hormones. Only some people knew and having to act normal and deal with lots of work requests and things was horrid (quite high pressure job).

However, I woke up Tuesday (yesterday) and felt almost fully my old self again. Was amazing. My boobs finally stopped hurting, the cramps from the op pretty much fully gone, energy returned. Still feel a bit sorry for myself if I let myself but mostly just feel so glad to feel a normal again.

I can't say which option is the right one for you, but if you want to know any more about the op let me know. I had so many questions, feelings, cramps etc that aren't really explained properly online and happy to help. Really hope everything goes okay for you

Hi @NewtothisFBK4921,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, and it's so nice to hear other people's stories.

I'm so sorry you've just recently been through this, but it is really helpful to know that other people are out there.

I had my second scan yesterday but because of poor visibility (I have a large fibroid that distorts the ultrasound) they were unwilling to conclude 100%. So I've been asked to wait another 2 weeks for another scan, and I am personally 100% certain I've miscarried - Dr I think was 99.9% certain but didn't want to take the chance.

Waiting is truly awful, I like you just want it to be over. But I'm being pragmatic and telling myself the Dr made the decision for a reason - I wouldn't want to override her choice and always wonder if it was wrong, and in the grand scheme of things 2 weeks is not long. I had told myself I wanted to do it naturally so I'm hoping that within 2 weeks that will be possible, otherwise as soon as they confirm it I want to do it medically asap - however I'm now aware from your story it may be another week or so of waiting for that...

I'm sorry you didn't really get the option - did your hospital explain why they don't do medical??? That seems really weird and not really fair to take the choice away. However I'm so glad in the end it was a positive experience for you.

The hormones are the worst bit. Mine were still really high when they tested last week, which was weird as my breasts stopped hurting ages ago. I am however exhausted, and finding it so hard to function - that's really hard for me as I have a physical job.

Like you I felt like I was being quite pragmatic and positive about this, but like you I've found my emotions all over the place and feeling quite scared about how strongly I feel about it. Logically I know it was only a tiny embryo but this whole situation has deeply unsettled me.

I've never had anaesthetic before and like you am terrified, so thank you so much for that positive description! As exhausted as I am it sounds ace actually, just conk out for ages!

It's my first pregnancy too, and whilst conception was hard (16 months trying) because of my large fibroid, I too am being positive that this just wasn't meant to be and it is unlikely to happen next time.

I don't know if it's true but I've heard people say that you're most likely to miscarry your first pregnancy - maybe the body needs to warm up or something?

Are you trying again straight away or do you need a rest? We're hoping to do it straight off but I reserve my right to change my mind if something changes.

Best of luck to you - I hope that both of us have a much happier ending next time xxxx

Hi @MOGMOGMOG85 how are you doing? My hormones have gone crazy today, I've been hiding in the work bathroom and in the park crying non stop! Totally mad, yesterday I felt great.

I'm crying so much it's almost comical. Looking forward to a new day tomorrow!

Re the hosp, they didn't really say why not managed just that it's not their policy as they think it's less natural (not sure why they thing surgical is more natural...!). The only thing she did say is that often they have people coming in to a&e from having managed who then need surgery, so I suppose they think they are just skipping a step.

Regarding trying again, I'm a bit confused. At first when we found out I wanted to try right away but after the op I now think I want to wait a few weeks, I think it's important to feel normal again first, stop feeling sorry for myself, have a bit of fun being able to drink and eat what I like etc (sushi tomorrow night ) then start thinking about putting my body through this again. I think if I did it too quickly and had bad pregnancy symptoms, or miscarried again, I wouldn't go so good at handling it if I don't give myself a few weeks of normality first. So, I think I'll be a bit careful this month then hopefully be ready to try again next month. It only took us 3 months so I'm really hoping when we try again we'll be lucky, apparently you are super fertile and less likely to miscarry again the first 6 months after so I don't want to wait too long

@NewtothisFBK4921 oh I'm sorry about your hormones. I felt really awful yesterday, don't even know how to describe just had a sort of desperate feeling like I wanted to escape everything, even considered applying for random jobs like as a driving instructor because of a weird obsession with wanting to change something. Luckily I didn't do that because I feel better today - much more able to focus on work, less tired, but definitely feeling... either very irritable or very assertive, I'm usually pretty meek but since I fell pregnant I've been standing up for myself left right and centre, think my boss was quite shocked today when I refused to back down on him blocking my ideas!

Every day is different, I look forward to feeling more normal. What you said about waiting a few weeks makes TOTAL sense and makes me think maybe I should too. I'm just so desperate to conceive and it took so long last time.. I bet you'll be fine as you don't have any issues with implantation but it's implantation which is hard for me and makes me want to make the best use of that super-fertile window. I'll see how I go though because like you I might go mad if I don't allow myself a little break and the stress and uncertainty carry on for a long time..

I know so well that thinking (about what if the next one miscarries) - we can't think that though, the odds really are that we won't miscarry again. I am going to try really hard to be positive (although I'll definitely need lots of first trimester support next time), trust my body and deal with the worst if I absolutely have to but not pre-empt it if that makes sense.

Easy to say, in reality I'll be a nervous wreck probably LOL!

Best of luck to you - it's gonna take a while for our hormones/bodies to fully recover so take it easy and be nice to yourself. I'm eating a load of junk food - know it's not great, but as long as I get my 5 a day I'm allowing myself some comfort xxx

Just thought I'd update this in case further info helps anyone else in future. I'm going into detail so don't read unless you want to know. So Tuesday I started spotting (brown with tissue) at 10w4d, Wednesday it was brown tissuey smearing, Thursday was like a light period, dark pink colour. Friday. I'd had mild cramping in the night but like one long constant cramp. I woke up and just as my boyfriend was leaving for work I felt gushing. I went to the bathroom and it was so much blood and it just kept coming. I panicked and called him back, grabbed all my maxi pads and we went to the hospital. I was having to change a maxi pad every 3-5 mins, absolutely soaked through. We called the early pregnancy ward and they said to come there, after waiting, we were sent to A and E. Lucky it was a short wait at A and E and we got sent back to the early pregnancy ward (this is the process you have to go through). The nurse at A and E was rude to me and made me feel like I had no business being there. No-one asked me how much blood I was losing, they were more interested in whether I was married or not (?) and then the A&E nurse didn't seem to understand that it was 11 weeks since my last menstrual period but the embryo had stopped developing at 6 weeks, she was pissed off at me as though I was being obscure in answering her question. I almost left the hospital because she made me feel so small at such a difficult time, but I reminded myself I was losing a lot of blood and I just needed to be assertive to get put through to the right person. The gyno did an exam just in time as I'd run out of 20 maxi pads in about 2 hours and didn't have any more. The gyno said it was complete because cervix was closed, which confused me. However she reassured me about the amount of blood which was a relief. We had a scan and the ultrasound doctor told me I have 3 large fibroids - 2 in the back wall of the uterus and one near the cervix. He said they had caused the miscarriage and I started crying uncontrollably - so far had been lead to believe they HADN'T caused the miscarriage. The nurse took him aside and had a word and then he came back and said they HADN'T caused the miscarriage and it was fine... so that was a rollercoaster. I was leaving a trail of blood everywhere at this stage, including my nice dress which I put on before I realised this was going to happen (hint: wear crappy clothes from spotting onwards as you never know when it's going to go intense!). The ultrasound confirmed miscarriage but the sac was still inside so it was not complete. They recommended the drugs to complete the miscarriage, but tried to send me home with them because they couldn't find a bed! I point blank refused and explained to the nurse exactly how much blood I was losing (a maxi pad every 5 minutes for 4 hours). She reassured me that a bed would be found. We had to wait a couple of hours, during which time I passed some large chunks of livery-strange material. I was relieved and thought it could be pregnancy tissue but the nurse seemed to think it could be large clots from my description. She told me that due to the amount of blood I had lost clotting was good as it meant my body was slowing it down. After 5 hours of bleeding like that I slowed down to half an hour for every maxi pad. When I say maxi pad I mean these mega ones about half an inch thick and massive and absolutely soaked through. The nurse said every half an hour is still too much and they wanted me to stay in overnight. I had a canula put in in case I lost too much blood which was horrible, but luckily not needed. They took loads of blood from me for testing - no idea why they needed 8 FULL phials or what for but oh well! Gave me a little saline which helped. I had to take the tablets orally because the bleeding was too intense for vaginal pessary. The tablets didn't do anything to be honest. I passed more large chunks but it seemed to be slowing down. Overnight the bleeding became much more normal (like a heavy period rather than like the horror film gore-fest I had been having the last 10 hours). This morning it had slowed down to more like a standard period I would say. I was discharged at lunchtime and have been given a scan for Friday in a weeks time. Apparently it takes a while for the scan to really confirm a complete miscarriage. I don't think it's complete (I have passed more large chunks today since coming home) but am hoping it could be by Friday. If not I have been advised that they will try the vaginal pessary which should be much more effective. And if that doesn't work then the surgery. In the mean time the doctor said if I experience any bleeding past a normal period to come straight back in and in that case it would be surgery. I feel quite... I don't know - like it's been so much to go through in 36 hours and I just wanted to share it. May help others - I'm now glad that I had read the bad stories about how much blood there is as I was at least prepared and not panicking (well I was quite alarmed but tried to keep a lid on it). I know for some people it's just like a bad period but this has not been my experience today. I'll try to update what happens next as I'm aware that this may be far from over for me - but I'm crossing my fingers that the worst is over at least. Thanks to all above who shared your stories with me xxxxx