How did you react?

[Bananaloaf88]

Hi. To cut a long story short recently I found out I was pregnant. Had a small bleed but still had symptoms and positive tests for 2/3 weeks. I had my first midwife appointment and was getting excited about my first scan.

A second bleed happened, and I decided to book a private scan which showed no signs of pregnancy or miscarriage. I had tested 3 days before and it was a clear BFP. I went to the local early pregnancy unit for an internal scan and they confirmed the private clinic's findings.

Luckily there was no complications to be found, and assured me that with 20+ positive tests and symptoms it must have unfortunately been a miscarriage, but they couldn't say when it had taken place.

I felt fine and I left in good spirits. I went back to work the following day as a teacher and ploughed through the first week back to school. This week however everything hit me. I suddenly wasn't coping and broke down several times.

I went to my GP and she thinks I had a delayed reaction to it all. I had tried to pretend nothing had happened, but my mind had obviously had enough.

Everyone has different experiences & reactions but the same thoughts keep going through my head:

1. I don't feel entitled to feel this way. The GP has signed me off work for 2 weeks. I feel like a bit of a fraud for taking this. Others go through far worse experiences, i've had a pretty stressful year and I can't understand why it has affected me so much.

1. The thought keeps crossing my mind that it will turn out i'm still pregnant. This is ridiculous and it is not helping but still it rears it's ugly head.

1. Is this all in my head, am I making myself feel this way?!

I've had bloods done today because I am so fricking tired, more so than I have ever been. So hopefully if I have an deficiencies those are dealt with.

I know there is no "normal" reaction. But I really think hearing other's stories will help to ease my anxiety over the whole thing.

Sorry for your loss. Everyone reacts differently but take your time to grieve and cry. Of course you’re entitled to feel like that, it’s your baby. Talk talk talk, that’s the only thing that helped me. Acknowledge and deal with your loss. The beginning is horrendous, it gets a bit easier eventually.

OP, it sounds like you may have been shocked/in denial initially (even though you may have thought at the time you took the news well), and it hit you harder once it sunk in. As far as I understand you haven't had a physical MC, presumably the pregnancy was reabsorbed, is my understanding correct? If that's the case I'd say you may be struggling with not having a sense of closure, hence the thoughts that you might still be pregnant. You also work in a school, that's completely understandable it will make things harder for you.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you feel, it IS perfectly normal and valid, and you have to do what's best for you and put yourself first. This may take different shape and different time for each person experiencing the loss.

I personally am quite rational and scientific, I thought I was dealing with my missed miscarriage well initially, and then it hit me big time, I had 2.5 weeks off. Knowing that I had to carry my dead baby for a few more weeks and then having to go through a bad medically managed miscarriage which didn't go amazing have left me traumatised.

I tried holistic therapies, acupuncture, talked a lot about it, I was very open. It's nearly 3 months now and I feel so much better, but there's no time frame for grief and things that work for one person don't necessarily work for everyone. Think about yourself now and about what makes you happy, little things, and big things, and do just that. Plus try something new that might just make you feel better, if you feel like it. Sorry for your loss, sending you lots of love xxx

@Chocolate35 Thank you. I have been talking on and off. Yesterday I went to a friend and talked a little bit but actually just speaking rubbish helped a lot too. I hope you are feeling better. ♥️

@MrsMGE I have no idea what happened. I was definitely pregnant but i'm not 100% what actually happened in the end. I keep thinking I wasn't that far along so I don't deserve to feel this bad about it. Like somehow i'm being a drama queen. Everyone has been so understanding, I think i'm the one I have to convince that it is okay to feel overwhelmed. I'm so sorry to hear about your story, I like to think of myself as scientific thinking too, i'm not 100% comfortable with having too many emotions so it has caught me off guard!

@MrsMGE Sorry I meant I hope you are feeling better! @Chocolate35 too if you have also experienced a loss.

@Bananaloaf88 Someone told me recently "You've survived the worst thing that can happen to a woman" and it has really stuck with me. I think I've initially underestimated the impact it would have on me. Don't be scared to let your emotions out, it's part of the healing process. I know it may mean nothing to you now, but you really will feel better in time, it's important that you do what you feel you need to do now, as it will help you massively long term. So whatever it is, do it, go with how you feel. The dark time won't last forever, I promise. You will learn to internalise your grief and move forward with it. It's doable and most of us on here have been through this. We're still here, we still enjoy life, we're still happy. It did not feel like this would be possible after losing a baby, but it is, and you will in time feel much better. Keep going lovely and look after yourself, every day xxx

@Bananaloaf88 i'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

I got signed off for 2 weeks too when I found out about my loss and at the time I was thinking I'd take a week and then go back but as that first week has gone along.... I'm going to take the full two weeks. In a practical way, that 2 week of sickness absence cannot be used against us at work. BUT if we force ourselves to go back and then get signed off for stress/depression in a few weeks that counts as sickness absence and can be used as ammunition by employers (my employers aren't very nice so this is something I've really had to consider).

I'm 11 days on and thought I was doing ok. This morning I woke up, had a coffee and got back into bed where I cried on and off until midday.

Take the fortnight, you are not a fraud.

@anotherypasswordtoremember I am going to take the two weeks. The doctor gave it to me for a reason and I think I would be silly to jump back too quickly. Thank you for your advice xxx

Sorry for your loss. Everyone is going to react differently. Two days after my initial hospital visit my whole body went numb - it was apparently psychological. I go back and forth between feeling hopeful about getting pregnant again, grieving and being terrified. Doctors just jeep saying how good it was I actually got pregnant and so I'll be fine but that doesn't help me right now. I also keep wondering if somehow ill end up still being pregnant somehow. It is a rollercoaster and there is no correct way to react. Hang in there

I found out on a Saturday and was due to have annual leave the following week so I went online and booked a flight on the Monday, arrived in New York on Tuesday. Very extreme running away reaction but it eased my soul temporarily.