Miscarriage followed by chemical pregnancy. Struggling today

[Hello54321]

Hi all,

My DP and I have been ttc since December 2018. I had a MMC at 8+5 in May for which I had a d&c at 9 weeks. My period resumed in June and I had a chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks at the start of August. I went to counseling after my MMC for 6 weeks and I have to say I found it incredibly helpful and it helped me to cope after the chemical pregnancy a couple of weeks ago.

I am struggling today I have to say. It's hard to stay positive and keep trying every month. I don't have any children yet so I don't know if it will ever happen for me. I hate seeing my partner upset as well.

I have great support from my friends and my sister. My mother hasn't really been there for me though. She came to see me in the hospital on the day of the d&c and never mentioned anything to me about it after that. I haven't even told her I had another loss as I feel there is no point as I won't get support from her.

I've tried to arrange to see her one on one to talk but she has always suggested going to my sisters house instead and I know it's because she doesn't want to talk about it with me. I feel like it the way she has been has damaged our relationship irreparably and i feel like I'm dealing with that along with everything else.

Sometimes I feel like booking a flight to Australia and never coming back to get away from everything.

I'm sorry, I don't know what the point of my post is supposed to be, I just needed to write my feelings down i guess.

OP, I'm really sorry you feel this way today. Just to say, I lost my baby too, not long after you. Didn't go to counselling, but spoke about it openly and tried several holistic therapies which I found incredibly helpful. Most of my friends have been fabulous and the MN community has also been so supportive. However, I too felt deserted by my mother, and father, for that matter. They did not prove to be supportive and prioritised themselves over losing their grandchild, which I find unforgivable, especially given that they've been through miscarriage and stillbirth in the past. I was strong about this until last week when tears started to flow. I'm not talking to them now. They haven't been top parents, but they haven't been the worst either. But what's happened now is very, very difficult. I am struggling without my mother, and I am not looking forward to Christmas as most likely we won't spend it together. It's nearly September now and people are naturally discussing Christmas plans slowly. It's making me cry as things in the family aren't the way they should be, and my baby, due not long after Christmas, is dead.

I don't really know what to tell you to make things better, as I'm struggling myself. Please know you're not alone. And please focus on those people in your life who have really been there for you and helped. Sometimes those that we hope to rely on really disappoint us, and that's a sad fact of life. I think it's one of those things we have to digest on and become stronger. I'm really sorry, sending you lots of love and strength xxx

Hi MrsMGE,

Thanks for your response, it's nice to hear from someone that actually understands. I am sorry for your loss and how your parents are. Hopefully things will get better for us both soon

@Hello54321 Thank you ❤️ Re your mum, has she always been like this? Does she struggle to talk about difficult subjects or is she quite detached for some reason?

She separated from my dad when I was a child, she had an affair with someone else. Me and my siblings stayed with my dad and saw my mam regularly but my dad was the main parent. She hasn't been the greatest mother but our relationship has been ok since I have been an adult. I haven't really had any hard times up until now though so I suppose I've never needed her for support as much.

When I do see her, she keeps talking about "all the babies" I will have. It's insensitive and upsetting and I've had to ask my sister to tell her to stop but she still does it. She's quite selfish really, she's just interested in having lots of grandkids and doesn't care about how her words make me feel

I have, like you, considered going NC with her. Not sure whether this will make me feel better or worse though. Do you think you will be able to have a relationship with your parents one day? Have you told them how you feel they have not been supportive?

Hmmm, that's a tough one, I completely get why you'd be upset with her comments. I personally think cheating and continuing to make upsetting remarks are examples of someone being selfish and lacking empathy. She may be quite thick skinned too, maybe she doesn't want to dwell on things as this would make her emotional? I don't know her, of course, that's the type of person my father is though (plus he's a man and doesn't really get the maternal bond and physical side of things I guess).

I gave my parents lots of chances, we've had discussions previously about how they were, how they should have split up really, as they're not good together, how their poor relationship has affected me and our family in general, and yet in moments like this one, they still couldn't get their act together. I haven't had the most amazing relationship with them cause they're selfish people and always have been, but we do love each other and I will never criticise them for things they have taught me. They just weren't the parents I needed them to be at times, but isn't this something we all could say? I won't be a perfect mum either, no matter how hard I try.

I guess I am in two minds following all this now. I don't like being NC with people in general, I think it weighs very heavily on you from experience, and is also difficult in itself. It also affects people around you. I think it depends how close you were with your mum before, how do you feel about having her in your life, would you accept her the way she is? Would you want her to change things, and would she do this?

I love my mum, but she's depressed, not doing anything about it and not seeing wood from the trees. I was upset with her many times before but have always moved on "because she didn't have it easy" so I forgave her. But now, actually, I'm looking at my life and realise I've been through a lot of crap too, and yet I'm not treating this as an excuse to act the way she has been acting for years. So I guess I'm less inclined to forgive now, and it is a serious issue as well. I've decided that until they reach out, apologise and commit to acting differently, there will be no contact with them.

You're going through a tough time and you need to decide what will be easier for you now, and permanently. You don't need to rush, it's not about deciding here and now. I think it will become clear to you what the right decision is, it's always very personal. For now, put yourself first, you've been through hell of a lot xxx

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head with your description of what you think my mother might be like. She is extremely emotionally unavailable and avoids situations, like my current one, as she does not know how to act or maybe is afraid of being emotional or opening herself up to being vulnerable. I have always said my mother is someone with a personality that I would be friends with if she wasn't my mother, as in we get along well and have a laugh like two friends. I've always had more of a friend or acquaintance type relationship with her than a mother daughter one.

I did quite a bit of soul searching over the years and decided to accept her for who she is and accept that I will only ever have a relationship on a certain level with her. As I have not had any major hardships this has worked well but is now causing issues. Also, she was not a good mother to my older sister, a lot more so than with me, she admits that herself, however they seem to have bonded since my sister had children. This makes me feel that my mother is only interested in me if I have grandchildren she can see and I'm no good to her otherwise which hurts.

The reason I asked you if you would consider having a relationship with your folks again one day is because being NC can weigh more heavily on you than having some sort of relationship, which you have pointed out and are well aware of yourself. It's very frustrating to watch people you are close to be depressed or in situations that are making them miserable and for those people to stay like that and not take any steps to making changes.

Would you consider writing your parents a letter to explain how you feel? They might also respond to you in writing, if it is difficult for them to talk about things.

It's interesting what you said about your mum getting close with your sister after she had kids. I've heard many similar stories from my friends, it's nearly as if the mum was trying to redeem herself following being far from perfect in the past. Perhaps your mum knows she made mistakes and that's her way of apologising/making amends to your sister? I don't think you don't matter to her because you have no living children at the moment. Perhaps she doesn't have the same avenue yet (i.e. your children) to pursue to show you that she cares for you and it seems like she doesn't care at all as a result. I'm not sure, I'm only speculating, but from what you said it's pretty clear she loves you, but is not very good at communication.

Re my parents, I honestly don't know tbh. I'm feeling very torn, as you probably can tell. I was focused on my grief for the last two months, especially that we had another family bereavement (DH's side) which hit me like a tram after my miscarriage. I was processing all this and not thinking too much about my parents. But now I do think about them often. I am deeply hurt that they didn't ask how I was, I had an awful miscarriage experience and no one even sent a text after we've had an argument. They don't even know about the other bereavement. I just think, after years of accepting them and tolerating things that perhaps in a normal family shouldn't have been tolerated, I have finally broken free, you know. I couldn't take this anymore, so much has happened in my life that I couldn't tolerate this any longer. They should have, for once, stopped being selfish, but they did not. And now I think the ball is in their court to reach out. I don't believe in revenge or anything like that. I'm just so deeply hurt that I can't see myself reaching out to them first, and in fact, I don't think they'd change their ways, and their toxic attitudes will make my life even more challenging than it is at the moment.