Hubs "stop complaining about pregnancy" just before miscarrying.

[SuchPatience]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting something and I'm not sure how to go forward. Last night, I was suffering from severe cramps at 4 months pregnant and I told my husband about it as we usually share everything. His words were stop complaining about the cramps you're pregnant - almost felt as if he was saying suck it up which for the first part of the pregnancy I have been but not this severe. Not long after, I started to miscarry. I've spoken to a doctor about this and I'm seeking help for the emotional side of things.

My question is that is would it be wrong to tell him I miscarried but keep how I'm feeling to myself? How have you gone about post miscarriage if you don't mind my asking?

Thank you and I hope you're well :)

So sorry for your loss OP. A miscarriage at 4 months is so awful (I mean, it's awfully at any time but the physical delivery at 4 months must be so distressing - I miscarried at 8 weeks so can only imagine what you must have gone through).

I would definitely talk about your emotions and experience - and if you can't talk to your husband, to a counselor. It sounds like you have bigger problems to work through in your marriage if he is that unsupportive, but this is probably a consideration to put on hold for a few weeks while you physically recover.

I have asked MNHQ to move your post to the "miscarriage" board, as you have posted on a board for bloggers, and you'll get a lot more support from like-minded people on the miscarriage board.

So does your DH know about the miscarriage?
I would say he probably didn't mean what he said and that it came out wrong and is most likely guilt ridden over what he said given what has now happened?

I'm so sorry OP.

What he said sounds really insensitive now, but he honestly had no way of knowing.
Was this your first pregnancy?
He probably thought it was completely normal.

Please talk to him. You can't bottle things up right now - it's really important that you both understand how each other is feeling.
Tell him everything. He will feel guilty and he will hate himself for what he said, but he'll also be able to support you better.
If you don't tell him, you'll be pissed off at him for not knowing and then you'll resent him.
You sound like a strong couple - you will both be grieving but you can get through this together.

And if you want to rant and rave and get angry we are here for you.

I'm so sorry that you've had a miscarriage. I don't think you have bigger problems in your marriage (unless there's more than you've told us) because of this comment. Pregnancy can be quite uncomfortable and your DH had no way of telling that this was the prelude to a miscarriage.

If you are 4 months pregnant and having severe cramps, your DHs response should be something along the lines of "are you ok/is there anything I can do to help/do you think we should get medical advice", not "stop complaining".
I'm surprised people think this response is normal.

Setting aside the miscarriage (I'm so sorry for your loss ), why was he so unkind? Pregnancy is very uncomfortable at times and the least that can be expected from our partners is a bit of compassion and support.

So sorry for your loss.

Your DH was a massive arsehole with that comment but that doesn't on its own define him as a git. It is possible he feels massive remorse for his insensitivity and callousness and thought it was lighthearted never for a moment suspecting that something was wrong.

You need to talk to him.

I think this is the time to let it all hang loose so to speak. Your DH needs to hear how you feel.

OP, I'm so sorry about your loss, it's awful. Also really sorry you feel like you need to ask for our opinion here before talking to your husband openly about your post-miscarriage feelings. This to me is very sad and shouldn't be this way. It's a very hard time for you and you're allowed to speak about this to anyone you want, and most definitely to the other person in it, your partner. You're allowed to deal with it however you wish, and do whatever helps you, and don't let anyone make you think otherwise. Your health, including mental health, is the most important now, it will carry you through this difficult time.

Re the comment your DH made it's hard to say anything more, in fairness, I had stretching cramps throughout my pregnancy when everything was fine, perhaps he didn't necessarily mean it in a bad way. But clearly, if you were feeling unwell, this should have never been played down by him or anyone else

Sorry again, OP Please know you're in a lovely, safe and supportive community in this corner of Mumsnet xxx

Hi all,

Thank you very much for your kind words. His words haven't stopped so I have realised that it's time to put myself first as some of you have suggested. No miscarriage is easy so it's probably the best for me and my mental health.

My wishes go to everyone out there who are going through this or worse; it might be a little grey before it gets brighter :)

Best wishes and thank you for listening,

SuchPatience