Can't try again after miscarriage

[RainMinusBow]

I'm in my late thirties and have two pre-teen children, divorced from their dad and shared care. My OH has no bio children.

A few weeks ago we were absolutely shocked to find out I was pregnant. I had been taking the mini pill absolutely to the letter. Not very far into the pregnancy I miscarried (still bleeding slightly a few weeks' on).

I've miscarried before (both times with ex-husband when I was in my twenties and later on in the pregnancies) but what kept me going is the fact that I knew we could try again.

My OH has deep down always wanted a bio child but resigned himself to the fact it was highly unlikely. He tried for years with his ex-wife but they were unsuccessful. He didn't tell me because he was trying to be strong, but the Monday after the weekend of my mc he went into work and just broke down. He's devastated. He would have been an incredible daddy and for the first time in his life he had a chance to be.

Thing is, the fact that the baby was not remotely planned seemed like a blessing if thst makes sense? We would have dealt with it, we would have got by, we wouldn't feel the need to make justifications as we had not been expecting it to happen.

But now we are in a situation where we have to make a decision. We both work ft but earn only just over £40k a year between us. We privately rent a lovely place but it's only three-bed. We certainly don't have the spare £1000-odd a month needed to cover nursery fees etc. I get nothing in the way of maintenance from my ex-husband.

We can't wait until we are in a potentially better financial position as I'm 39 soon and GP has advised if we ever did try again to not leave it any longer.

I feel so sad our baby has gone and now we'll never have one.

If you hadn't had a miscarriage, I presume you would have kept it? So I think you should try and have one together. You could work things out I think. It may not happen again, but it's shown you both that you would actually want to have a child together.

@Shittiestdayinalongtime Without a doubt. Once we had got over the complete shock we were so happy. It would have been a struggle financially but we wouldn't have had a choice if that makes any sense as it wasn't planned? But now we'd be making a concious decision to try for a pregnancy knowing we don't have much money.

Lots of people have children and not much money. You can make it work. I tend to agree with the GP, if you'd like one then go for it.....

We also have no friends or family that would be able to support us. My parents live in the same area but mum is sick as, as she puts it, is "Living on borrowed time."

Our hearts are screaming yes and I have honestly never felt so sad since loosing our first baby together (as I know he does too, however much he tries to hide it), but we couldn't realistically afford a spare £1000 pm or whatever it would be for childcare aa I'd have to go back to work.

Our once lovely sex life has fallen to pieces because we don't feel we can rely on contraception. I will see the GP next week about possible sterilisation as really that's the most effective option.

OP, I'm so sorry I'm not going to preach as I have no living children yet. I also understand the financial worries, I've decided to wait till I'm more stable, so again can't disagree with you.

But, you're already a mum to growing up children. You sound like a lovely, warm, caring person. You have the right man next to you now. It sounds like the instinct is very strong for both of you and you have lots of love to share. If you're in your late 30s, would you not consider giving it another couple of years to see what happens before you resign?

Please don't rush into any irreversible decisions which may hurt you a lot more than any financial difficulties related to having a baby ever would ❤️

We all want the best future for our children. But ultimately, no amount of money is more important than having loving parents. It is so, so true, and I can tell you this from a point of view of a child who many people would consider privileged, but coming from a family that failed to provide a happy, loving home. I'd drop that privilege in a heartbeat, without a doubt.

You worry now, but circumstances change. Jobs change. Money changes. Children grow up fast. Things may got tougher, but not necessarily as bad as you might think. Please do research what help would be available to you now in terms of childcare, any credits etc. Things have changed and there is an entitlement to some free childcare. Check your contract of employment and handbook too, what do your maternity policies say?

Just going to leave this here for you to consider. I think you know the right decision in your heart ❤️

Hi OP, I do feel for you in this difficult situation.

I just wanted to suggest looking up tax-free childcare. I recently checked out costs for myself but sadly my pregnancy also ended in miscarriage. It worked out less than I originally anticipated, due to the tax-free scheme, plus for us it actually worked out better for me to reduce my working hours to 4 days per week (if my employer would agree) as I paid the most tax etc on the 5th day of the week so this was the day that childcare + travel exceeded my earnings. The full whack of childcare costs is only for a couple of years - then you'll get 30 free hours, so your overall childcare bill should reduce once the child is 3.

If you did have a baby, it could share with you for a couple of years. Does the house you rent have a separate living room and dining room, and if so could one of these rooms be used as a bedroom?

@AwkwardPaws27 Thank you for the advice, really helpful 😊

We have a lounge diner unfortunately so couldn't come up with a fourth bedroom.

As much as we would like a child together (made even more certain by this loss), we have to accept that it isn't practical.

OH has said he will have to come to terms with the fact that he'll never have a biological child of his own and he's willing to go for the snip if it's in the best interests of us all. At least this will hopefully mean getting our love life back on track as it used to be great!

I’m 39, currently miscarrying and I totally get your situation. But, you’ve described your life as it is now... when in actual reality we work around things when a baby comes along. Putting a child in nursery full time isn’t the only option... perhaps you drop to part time until the free 30 hours childcare comes in ages 3. Perhaps your partner will get a better paid job because he has to. If you were both excited and he’s never been a daddy before, just do it. You don’t want to be past the age where it can happen and regret it xxx

Oh and kids love nothing more than to share bedrooms ... my mum and dad had six children in a 3 bed house (eventually extended ) and the girls shared a room as did the boys and we all slept ... whereas my only child daughter doesn’t! Says she’s scared all the time! X

@Julesalmost40 Sorry about your miscarriage-it's such a sad and difficult time.

My fiancé and I are considering actively trying after our surprise although I'm feeling fed up at the moment as no idea where my cycle is! Had a big bleed following the mc/coming off mini pill but three weeks on and now very light bleeding on and off. Just wish everything would go back to normal!

Are you going to ttc again?

Hope you're doing OK.

@RainMinusBow big hug for you - I'm still bleeding too, it's bloody annoying isn't it? I hope yours stops soon.

@RainMinusBow glad to hear that you are ttc again and it will settle out again don’t worry.just don’t put too much pressure on the both of you. Unfortunately I don’t feel ttc again is right for us. I have pretty bad sickness in pregnancies and don’t like the whole 9 or so months and I just feel exhausted with it all. I have a 5 year old girl and we are very happy as a three and intend to just focus on what we have. ❤️