To want another baby still...

[TwittleBee]

Wasn't too sure where to post this as my baby loss wasn't a miscarriage/pregnancy loss but rather he died at 5 days old. But I thought this is the place I would probably find the most understanding?

He only died 18 days ago, his funeral was only a week ago, I miss him so much. He is constantly in my thoughts, I wish I could go back and spend more time with him, or change the outcome somehow.

But I cannot stop thinking about how I want another baby, how I want to try again already.

My baby was born via emergency c-section and I know the advice is to wait at least 6 months preferably 12 months but I keep finding myself already thinking about temping and OPKs.

But all of that is pointless as DH has said he doesnt want to try again, he cant go through it all again - he suffered enough after our MMC in December and now we've lost our rainbow baby only 7 months later... He is happy with our 2 year old and being a single child family. I know we are so lucky to have DS.

I feel so selfish and hate myself so much.

I’m so sorry that your lovely little boy isn’t with you. There are no words that can express what you are going through.

It’s totally understandable you wish you could somehow turn back the clock and change what happened. Are you getting any support/counselling ? It’s such a massive thing to be dealing with and such early days for you both. It could be that with help and support your DH would maybe feel able to try again in future but the way both of you are feeling in regard to trying again are both very understandable right now.

You are in the very early stages of grief and that can bring all sorts of feelings out. You might well feel selfish or hate for yourself but that doesn’t mean you actually are selfish or hateful in anyway. It totally doesn’t. Whatever help you have available to you is worth taking up. 💐

Sorry for the loss of your little boy. The way you are feeling is fairly 'normal'. My daughter was stillborn in January, me and my DH both felt the same though but did make ourselves wait a couple of months. As you have had a c section I would wait longer you and your DH also need to both be on board, we knew a new pregnancy would be hard but have found it harder than expected. Have you looked at 'SANDS online forum' there are lots of people on there that have also been through this and support each other.

Hear to tend an ear (eye) if you want to talk.

Thank you both for replying and giving me support and understanding.

It certainly makes me feel more normal knowing you also felt this way, wanting another baby, Cymbalon

I have attempted to join Sands online community but I think the moderators must be busy as they haven't approved my request now and it's been over a day Bluebelltulip . I am hoping to attend one of their meetings local to me in September

I know that it's easier said then done but please don't feel guilty for any emotions you have right now TwittleBee. You've been through such a lot and even the fact that you're talking about how you're feeling on here so soon after your son dying is something you should be really proud of.
Grief is the biggest strain on a relationship and if you're able to get any sort of therapy together, I'm sure it would be a hugely positive thing for both of you to do.
From my own experience of losing my son at 1 day old and then going on to have two miscarriages, my husband and I definitely wouldn't have managed without talking to a therapist. It's something that we've decided to carry on doing for the rest of our marriage!
We found Sands meetings to be an amazing support group and a really good thing to do together if you're able to. It's very normal to be feeling completely differently to each other regarding having more children, especially so soon after losing two babies.
We have a living daughter who we had first and I completely relate to your need for more children. It can be all consuming sometimes can't it. Nothing wrong with being 100% grateful for what you have but desperately wanting more all at the same time.
I know it's probably not going to feel possible right at this moment because you are in the thick of it but try to give yourself time to heal emotionally and after an emergency c-section, definitely physically. I had one with my daughter and it was a slow recovery. Having said that, only you will know when the time is right to try again. Hopefully after giving yourselves some time and being gentle with each other's feelings, you and your husband will be able to navigate towards being on the same page again about expanding your family.
Sending you so much love and hope that the next few days and weeks get easier. Also thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings on here. I've had few people tell me recently that I should just be happy with what I've got and it really hurt me. Reading your post was so moving and reminded me that it's absolutely ok to want more children, so thank you xxx

Good morning Dots - what others have said to you is not right at all and I can see that but when DH says that to me I just feel guilt! Thank you though for making me feel more normal about this. Couples therapy does sound like what we need to do but I dont even know how to get us into it - do I just google couples therapy?

We were lucky enough to be referred to a clinical psychologist through the NHS because they found our son had a cleft lip/palate at the 20 week scan. The following week, we then discovered he had a fatal syndrome and so the referral to see the psychologist was an absolute godsend. We had appointments with her throughout the pregnancy and for the year following his birth and death. When those appointments ended, we looked for a clinical psychologist in our local area as we knew it was something that was so important for us to continue with.
Seeing a psychologist isn't the cheapest option (we pay £75 per hour) but it has been the best money we've spent and we just think of it as the equivalent of spending money on having a nice meal out every couple of months.
Generally counselling is a lot less expensive but we'd had such a good experience seeing a psychologist, that we wanted to continue with this type of therapy.
Anyone offering any type of therapy will be more than happy to chat to you on the phone and explain how they work before you decide whether to have an appointment with them.
There is a charity in our local area that offers free counselling to couples who have experienced any type of baby loss but there is a long waiting list and you can only have a number of sessions - six I think.
Googling psychologists/counselling in your area is a great way to start. I looked for a psychologist on the British Psychologist Society website: www.bps.org.uk/public/find-psychologist
Don't be disheartened if you're not suited to the first one you try and even want to try a different therapist at some point. It's important that you both feel comfortable with them. Also, it can definitely take a couple of sessions before you feel like you're getting any benefit from it.
For me and my husband it is a brilliant neutral ground for us both to explain how we're feeling and listen to each other. I still often find this hard to do at home. I guess having another person there who doesn't have the emotional attachment is the thing that makes all the difference.
I hope that helps a bit. xx

Did the hospital offer you any counselling? DDs baby died when she was 32 weeks pregnant and she and my SIL were offered counselling?

Thank you Dots - I shall have a google and see what is local to us. DH has said he doesnt think it will be any use to him though. But I'm sure it would help me.

Cymbalon No, I havent been in contact with anyone at all.

Hi @TwittleBee

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can't imagine how you are feeling but emotions and hormones are still very high and raw.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but give yourself and you DH some time. I am sure given 6 months (which you need for your health - healthy womb needed for next baby) I'm sure your DH will feel more able to look at trying again.

I'm so sorry for your losses, what a truly heartbreaking situation for you all. I also have a 2 year old son and had a MMC last year and it was the most devastating time. We took 4 months off TTC and I tried to keep as busy as I could with new hobbies etc but it was still on my mind.

That said, I cant imagine the pain you're going through after that and then to lose your son after 5 days with him. I would definitely hope counselling will help. You and your husband have so much pain and both of your feelings are completely justified, although it will be so hard feeling at odds with each other.

I think waiting a bit would be probably advisable to give your body the best chance to heal and prepare for another pregnancy in future, if that's what you decide.

So sorry, it must be an incredibly painful time for you all x

Twittle I’m sure support varies from hospital to hospital but I reckon it’s worth contacting yours to ask what support is available to you if any? DD and SIL were offered counselling and told they could take the offer up at any time and were put in touch with a fb group in their area for parents who had lost their babies. DD regularly meets up with the other women and they made little gifts for one another for Mother’s Day. It seems really helpful and supportive . DSIL isn’t able to talk about the loss as yet and maybe he won’t ever be but it’s good that DD is able to get together with other mums who do want to talk about their experiences and their beautiful babies and good to know that if DSIL does want support at any stage then it’s there.

The hospice phoned me today, just to check up on me, and really helped with a chat. She offered me some counselling through them and said she will foward their bereaved parents support group events too. Feel a bit less isolated now.

I would like some answers still about Roy and going foward. Who is best to ask for that? I am so surprised by how I've been left so alone with no contacts.

That's good that the hospice are helping. I'm not sure if it's the same for a neonatal death as a stillbirth but we had a review with fetal medicine 10 weeks later to discuss what happened and what the impact on future pregnancies. I would imagine that you should be able to have this too, were you put in touch with a bereavement midwife?

So glad you have had the offer of some counselling and given the details of a parents support group. It was the bereavement midwife who supported DD and SIL while they were still in the hospital and after they came home and who told them about counselling and a local fb group. It might be useful to ask to speak to the bereavement midwife at the hospital about needing more information about Roy and what help she might be able to set up for you.

My mum phoned the hospital yesterday, on my behalf, to ask about a bereavement midwife supporting me and apparently they should have been in touch already and usually would have come round and phoned me daily. The midwife my mum spoke to said she was shocked that they haven't so she said she would ensure someone phoned me today. I've had no phone call.

Tbh, I'm surprised my perinatal mental team havent even been in touch.

I'm just useless at reaching out verbally when I'm so low, hence my mum phoning on my behalf.

It sounds as if somehow you have fallen through the system so it’s good that your mum phoned. Hopefully you will now have the support you need. It shouldn’t be for you to have to reach out here so I’m glad your mum made the call. You’ve enough to be thinking about and coping with without having to chase up hospitals/hospices

Hopefully they will be in touch tomorrow. Don't worry about getting your mum to ring round, I found it very stressful trying to sort things, take help where you can get it.

Ds2 was stillborn and when his milk came in, is when I knew for certain I wanted another baby. The heart wants what it wants, but sometimes other people find it hard to comprehend. I think it helped when I said I want ds2 sibling, people change their tone then. Like anyone can replace ds2 place. I just wanted another baby to love and care for. I felt ready (or desperate) to be a mother once again. To feel life inside of me again.
I was lucky that dh agreed to start straight away (as I had a vaginal delivery) but my body went crazy and af took four months to return after birth. It then took 6 months to get pregnant with ds3. Don't beat yourself up to much if your body takes time to heal itself and remember giving birth can mess with af.
Instead of normal midwife visting after birth I had bereavement midwife come and do the visits. Also don't be suprised if health visitors come to. The helth visitor sent a letter through my mail box giving me condolences and asking for a call back. I called her and she said she could help me find counselling for myself and help me with ds1. I told her he is to young to understand what has happened (20 months) but if I notice a change in him or develop any other concerns can I call back? She said yes. I left it there.

Give your dh time to grieve to. Would booking in a time to discuss this issue make you feel happier? I know I need to feel like I had some control and some order in my life after ds2. I organised why days into four sections and ds1 really loves this to. He learnt which activities coincided with which time. So he learned how to tell time quickly.

Me and dh started to say to each other four positive things that happened everyday before bed (or before dh night shift). It was very small things at times that brought pleasure (like lunch today tasted nice) and other times it was meaningful things (like dm called today and it is big change from having to always call her first).