Miscarriage, grieving, depression, anxiety - feel like I’m drowning

[slange92]

Hi, my partner and I were expecting our first child in January but unfortunately I’ve miscarried. I started spotting around 7 weeks, went for a scan and the EPU said there was a gestation sac but it was empty and that I was to return 12 days later for another scan. Had another scan and unfortunately the gestation sac had only grown by 3mm whereas it should have doubled in size so it was classed as a non-viable pregnancy. Absolutely heartbroken! 😭 We were given the options going forward, we decided on the medical route. I took the tablets on Tuesday evening and by midnight the worst of it was over.

Since then I’ve really been struggling, I haven’t gone back to work since last Monday (hoping to go back this Monday coming). I work in a preschool where I have a constant reminder of the thing I’m yearning for so dearly, children. Parents are also bringing in younger siblings and babies so I just feel like there’s constantly salt in my wounds. I know it’s not the parents fault and this sounds awful but I can’t help but resent them just a little. All my parter and I want is our own little family. 😔

I think I’m struggling with this even more so because I lost my mum 8 years ago at the age of 18 and I’ve never truly grieved for her. I’m hurting so much at the moment as all I want is my mum. That’s nothing again my other half or my family whom are all so so supportive but I just really wish my mum was here to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.

I’m feeling all numb and emotional at the moment, obviously I’m desperate for a baby but just getting stressed about trying/falling and staying pregnant. I suffer with anxiety and depression too so just feel like I’m drowning at the moment 😔😔

Im looking into counselling as I’ve recognised that’s my next step to try and cope.

I know lost of ladies go through this but I’m just feeling so alone 😔

Sorry you are feeling like this. All I can say is that you aren’t alone and it’s still very very early days. It will be raw and difficult for a while but I have hope that things will get easier over time.

I lost my baby last Friday. I had been having some spotting for a few days and went for a scan on Friday morning which showed a perfectly healthy baby, measuring on track at 11 weeks, moving around and heart beating. 2 hours later I delivered the baby at home. We don’t know what the hell went wrong in that 2 hours.

Initially I told DH that I never wanted to try again, but now I feel differently in just a few short days. I think it was the shock talking. I have a child already so my arms aren’t physically empty but I do feel an emptiness inside and I understand the desire to fill that emptiness with another pregnancy. There is nothing wrong with that and it’s only natural we’ll worry about this happening again.

Lastly I’m sorry about your mum, that must be awful not to have her there sorry there isn’t much else I can say as I’m still in the thick of it myself, but wanted to reply to your post anyway.

I'm so sorry to read that you are going through this, and sorry that you lost your Mum at such a young age.

Miscarriage is shit, we get our hopes up and dream about the future and it gets cruelly taken away.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with it. I got really down for quite a while and felt like I'd never feel normal or happy again. You do eventually come out the other side it's just so gradual. I never forgot about the miscarriages, but I have learnt to live with it.

I would try counselling if you think it will help you, and wish you the best of luck for the future

Awwww that must be really hard losing your Mum at 18 and it probably will add to your grief. I struggled losing my Mum at 35!

I found my first miscarriage quite hard, but it got easier with time and after not wanting anything near my vagina for a while I got pregnant a year to the day!

It does get easier with time, and you will be able to move on from it and try for another. When that time is, is different for all of us.

I think the grief for your baby will be mixed in with the grief with your mother. All those hoped and dreams smashed, your life was probably looking up and then you're slammed right back to earth again. It's no wonder your thoughts have gone back to your Mum.

Thank you for your responses, they really mean a lot to me. I’m having a particularly bad day today regarding my depression, 🤞🏻 tomorrow will be a better day.

My best wishes to you both, we’ll all get there I’m sure, it’s just so raw at the moment x

Thank you @rubyroot. I think, having not really dealt with loosing my mum and not grieving for her, loosing my baby has really bought it all home like a tonne of bricks falling down on me. I always knew there would be times in my life where I wanted my mum but I never dreamed it would hurt this much. 😔

Awwww, I'm sorry. Life is so bloody shitty sometimes isn't it!

But don't forget it can be great too.

It is so hard to go through and all these emotions come out and feelings that you didn't know about.

We had six miscarriages and the second one in particular was just awful. We had an early scan at nine weeks as I'd had spotting and everything was okay so we went on 21st December for our 11 week scan looking forward to the scan photos but our baby had died, just after the last scan. We just sat and cried. I had to go in on Christmas Eve for a D&C and had to stay overnight because I was ill. At the time I couldn't see how I could ever be happy again. This was in 2007 and I often feel a bit sad around that time of year.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant for the 7th time I just sat and cried for an hour thinking it was just all going to go wrong again. But this one stuck and our DD is now 7. She is our miracle child.

@Geekster1963 I can’t imagine how hard things must have been for you bless you. Makes my loss seem like nothing in comparison. What an incredible rainbow baby!! So glad things turned out for the best in the end.

slange92 thank you but your loss was just as bad. It doesn’t matter how many miscarriages we have they are all awful. Hope you are okay.

Big hugs to all of you. I'm also in a bad place after my MMC (one month ago today). I just don't know if this grief ever ends and I don't want to live like this anymore. I felt so much better last week, thought I was winning, and this week is horrendous.

I feel drained, it's exhausting to be in this limbo and I really don't know how long am I supposed to keep going like this. Every time I think it's getting better, few days later it hits me again.

I have no faith in counsellors or therapists, I don't want anyone telling me empty phrases without knowing what it really feels like. I find the concept off-putting and patronising. Plus I do think that you have to live through it yourself, no one else can take this burden off you due to the nature of things. And it's not a great realisation.

Typically, all the miscarriage and baby loss helplines are open Mon-Fri 9-5, or even 9-4. I mean, really?! Obviously not for people working full time, completely useless for me. Well done, the Miscarriage Association and the likes, you've really nailed this one not.

Gutted.

@mrsMGE I found it easier to talk about it to people rather than keep it hidden, it's amazing how many people you find out have gone through it when you open up and they understand. It makes you feel a little less lonely.

It's so weird how it's still not talked about in this day and age.

And then the old cliche, time is a great healer. Be patient with yourself, give yourself time to grieve x