Losing our baby
Prawn2019 · 03/07/2019 09:54
This time last week I was just over 24 weeks pregnant, heading into the hospital to be induced into labour to deliver my already passed baby. 😢
At our 20 week scan we were told that our baby was in a difficult position to see their heart structures, I was therefore booked a follow up appointment 3 weeks later so this could be checked. At this second scan we were almost instantly referred to GOSH, where we received more news. The baby had a hole in their heart, and although not ideal, it could be fixed relatively low risk once the baby was born. However, I was referred over to UCLH for an amniocentesis test in the meantime, to see if there were any chromosome deficiencies, as they can be linked to heart problems, and this would affect the overall outcome. At UCLH we had the amnio, but further referrals back to GOSH, as they believed there to be more wrong. Back at GOSH we had the heartbreaking news that the problems with our baby's heart were infact so severe that the baby would not survive outside of me. We were utterly heartbroken, shocked, angry and confused.
Following this news I had to go back to UCLH for an injection to stop my baby's heart, then go onto deliver our baby two days later.
Labour was extremely tough, like pain I have never before experienced, but I got through it with my amazing husband at my side.
Now almost a week on from having to leave our baby girl (who we named Alia) in the hospital I am not sure how to feel. I have moments of extreme sadness, where I just stare into space, and others where I feel like I can do this.
I wondered if there were any other mums out there that have been through something similar and if they had any advice?
We still want to continue to have a family in the future. But when we will be ready for that I don't know? I can't imagine how scared I would feel if I were pregnant again...?
Any advice from any lovely people would be gratefully received xxxx
bloodywhitecat · 03/07/2019 09:59
I have no experience but I wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter Alia. I also wanted to suggest that if you ask MNHQ they might be able to move this for you to a topic where you will find others who have been in your position .
Prawn2019 · 03/07/2019 10:05
Thank you 💗
I will give them a try and see what they say, I'm new to this and haven't really got a clue what I am doing! 🙈
AnyaMumsnet · 03/07/2019 10:11
Hi there OP,
We're so sorry for your loss
We're going to move this thread to Pregnancy Loss now, we think you'll get better support there.
Prawn2019 · 03/07/2019 10:15
Thank you 💗
WantLifeToBeBetter · 03/07/2019 13:52
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. I don't have experience of a loss that late but bumping for you in the hope that others see your post. This board can be quite quiet but people here are very supportive x
Prawn2019 · 03/07/2019 14:10
That's really kind, thank you 💗
nespressowoo · 03/07/2019 14:49
I haven't quite been through what you have been. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I've just very recently had surgical management for a missed miscarriage. My second loss in just over a year.
All I can say is go easy on yourself and allow yourself time to grieve your daughter. There is no right or wrong time to start TTC again. I don't think you ever heal from a loss. Surround yourself with supportive people and take it one day at a time.
Sending lots of love
VenusStarr · 03/07/2019 15:09
I am so sorry for your loss @Prawn2019 Alia is a beautiful name ❤️
I recently experienced a much earlier loss (mmc) and still struggle sometimes. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel better or be OK. Some days just getting out of bed and getting dressed was all I could manage.
Sending love and strength to you and your husband ❤️ xxx
Prawn2019 · 03/07/2019 15:22
@nespressowoo @VenusStarr thank you both for your kind messages 💗💗 I am also so sorry for both of your losses, I think whatever the 'gestational age', they are still our babies.
I feel as though we will TTC again sooner rather than later, I just worry about how stressed I will feel throughout the pregnancy (please say I can get pregnant again!), but I think I will be monitored much closer, this is what they have said to me anyway.
We will see... xxxx
testingtesting111 · 03/07/2019 20:05
Hi @Prawn2019 really sorry for your loss (and everyone else's too).
I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks due to an infection of the placenta in November 2017.
It's a terrible time. I didn't know what to do with myself. I alternated between crying uncontrollably to being like a zombie. Obviously there was nothing anyone could say or do to make things better. It is a cliche but time really does help. When I was in the midst of it I didn't believe it, but it really has helped. I still get upset and cry at times, but it isn't every day now.
All I can say is make sure you communicate with your other half as you're obviously both hurting.
Mumof1andacat · 03/07/2019 20:11
My brother and sil lost a little girl at 22 Wks. She had something wrong where she also would not survive if born. They were given a weekend to decide what do do next but in that time baby passed away. They have had great support from a charity called SANDS.
TubbyMcFatfuck · 04/07/2019 03:03
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wee Alia. I have been through something similar myself recently. Just over a month ago at our 20 week scan, it was discovered that our baby had several abnormalities. A further scan by a consultant and an amnio confirmed a diagnosis of Edwards Syndrome. We were given the possible outcomes all of which led to our baby dying at some point down the line, it was just a question of when. Devastating. With that information and under those circumstances we could not continue with the pregnancy and I took the tablet then and there to end it. I went back into hospital 2 days later and after an horrific 18hr labour delivered my wee sleeping girl.
It has been utterly horrendous and has left my husband and I completely devastated. I’m afraid I don’t really have any smart words or sound advice for you as I am really just muddling through it myself. I do know that you are not alone, I understand some of what you’re going through and how utterly bereft and broken you feel. I also have moments of feeling ok and then just overwhelming sadness.
We also want to ttc again but like you I am scared of the prospect of being pregnant again and feel very anxious about it.
I could go on and on here but I don’t want to hijack your thread!
I will say that what I’ve found helpful has been having little jobs or projects to do e.g. finding nice flowers and readings/poems the funeral, looking for a nice memory box and photo album for the wee keepsakes and photos we have. I’ve been looking into having a wee tattoo done of something symbolic- wee things like that to keep me busy.
Have you heard of the charity Antenatal Results and Choices (ARC) ? they have a helpline and offer support and have a forum specifically for bereaved mums like us. It’s a great source of support from people who understand exactly what your going through.
Like I say, I can’t offer much in the way of advice. It’s still very early days and I’m told that it does get easier. I am sending you a handhold, a massive hug and lots and lots of love X
Prawn2019 · 04/07/2019 07:40
@TubbyMcFatfuck I am so sorry for your loss too 💗
It sounds as though we have had very similar experiences 😢 sometimes I ask myself, why did it have to be us, but then reminded that there are lots of people with similar stories.
Thank you for sharing the charity, I will definitely have a look. I have also been sent a charity called petals to look at, I am just waiting to hear back from them.
My next worry is that perhaps there is something wrong with my partner and I, and that's why the abnormalities occurred, but I guess we won't know anymore until our next appointment with the doctor. Our amnio cane back clear, but in regards to us, I don't know what it all means.
Wishing you all the love back xxxx
rubyroot · 06/07/2019 12:07
Hi @Prawn2019- not me, but a friend. Very similar- heart problems. No cause found and she now has a large family, but still grieves for the baby she lost.
Prawn2019 · 06/07/2019 12:18
@rubyroot that's really encouraging to hear, thank you.
We're waiting to hear if we need to have our genetics tested to see if it's something between us that caused it, which causes me so much panic, as I want a family so much, and I know my husband does too.
But hey, we will cross that bridge when we get to it.
rubyroot · 06/07/2019 12:31
@Prawn2019 it must be so hard delivering your baby at that late stage, I can't even imagine.
Sometimes, I am afraid it is just one of those things and this will probably be the most likely outcome for you. These babies are harder to make than you realise!
Look after each other and give yourself time to heal.
sheshootssheimplores · 06/07/2019 12:47
Oh my darling, I’m so sorry for your loss
I had to terminate a 17 week pregnancy two years ago due to a severe chromosome abnormality that wasn't compatible with life. Obviously I’m now two years on and whilst it still hurts a lot I can talk about it and I feel at peace with it because she was very very ill and there was no choice. If I hadn’t received any answers for the cause I don’t think I’d have coped so well. I’m also fortunate enough to have two healthy children so they are a very good distraction.
My best advice would be to accept the grief, don’t fight it. Talk to whoever you need to talk to to get your feelings out. Whether that’s your friends or family or a counselling service. I was advised to go to the GP to try and access counselling but I have to admit I didn’t do it. It was my fourth pregnancy loss and I understood that most of them were brought on my my age. I’m sure if I’d started my family at 25 none of this would have happened. So I guess for me I didn’t feel the need to explore that that much further but sometimes i do wonder whether I should have.
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