Am I selfish ?

[Laceygabriella]

I lost a baby 6 weeks ago. Had a massive blood clott and d&c. It was very traumatic for me. During this time I was adamant that I wouldn't get pregnant again (this was my first ever pregnancy). But I've changed my mind and decided to start trying again. I still am not over the loss of my baby and I don't want people to think that if I get pregnant again that I wanted my lost baby any less. I'm worried about so many things including if I even can get pregnant again, miscarriage happening again etc. I try not to stress but it just gets on top of me. Has anyone else experienced this? If so any tips? Also any tips on getting pregnant again?

@Laceygabriella I hear you and it all sounds so familiar. I lost my baby to a MMC 2 weeks ago (although I found out on 1 June). My first pregnancy too and I also went through the same phase of saying that I definitely would not do that again, that my life was so lovely, happy and settled before and why on earth did I do that to myself, my husband etc. I was absolutely mortified at a thought of getting pregnant again and thinking it might happen again too. I then realised that actually I need to have a baby next to me, I absolutely yearn this and for that to happen, I have no choice, I have to give it a go again. Another baby by definition won't replace the first one, it will always be a younger sibling. There is nothing selfish about wanting to bring up a child, it's natural.

So now I'm in a different place again, grief has translated itself into anxiety and I'm worried that my loved ones and pets might die, not to mention being anxious about another pregnancy.

In the same time, I actually cannot wait to start trying. Not only because I miss sex (I massively do). I actually want to be pregnant again, I want to feel pregnant, I am so ready to have a baby.

I am slowly coming to terms with accepting the difficult truth, namely that no one knows what's going to happen. We may have another miscarriage. We may have a perfectly healthy baby. We may give birth prematurely. We may have twins. Our baby may be ill or stillborn. Our baby may live a long and happy life. Or die to SIDS or an illness in childhood. The worst thing about this is that all these things happen. Just like that. It's part of life. And to someone who likes being in control (definitely me!), it's an extremely hard thing to accept.

We are not in a drivers seat when it comes to babies. We can do little things to help, be a tad healthier, a tad more relaxed, give ourselves some TLC. But life will take its course regardless.

So I am now trying to explain to myself that what will be, will be. I've done tons of research on miscarriage. I know a lot more than I did before. Will it help me? I don't know, there isn't much more that we can actually do to have a better chance of a positive outcome. But being under too much pressure or overly anxious will not help.

I am still not relaxed about this and probably will never be as relaxed as I was in my first pregnancy. But I am working on it - went to reflexology, got acupuncture next week, going back to the gym and eating relatively OK. Taking few days off soon. Little things. I don't know where the road is going to take me but I have to learn to let things go, otherwise trying to control things which I simply can't will break me.

Lots of love xxx

@MrsMGE I'm so sorry that you've been through this too. It's still so raw so emotions are everywhere. I just never thought that this would happen to me so constantly on edge that it's going to happen again (I got pregnant the first month of trying last time). I will be worried if we don't get pregnant so fast again, although I know it's totally normal not to get pregnant right away. We waited about 2 weeks to have sex again so asking as your bleeding has stopped and you're feeling okay then there's no reason why you can't (unless the dr says otherwise).

I am still not back in work after suffering with PTSD. We have even moved as all I could see at the old place was blood. It's all making me anxious and the thought of having to wait to find out if I'm pregnant again is torture. Also I only had a period for 3 days so hoping I actually ovulate normally again.

We should not have to go through this torture. So cruel.

Best of luck to you. Cx

All totally normal feelings and reactions.

I've had 2 mc.

First pregnancy, unplanned, 18, on low wage living in a bedsit, on the pill correctly, had just split a few weeks earlier from father, totally threw me. Complete mc no need for surgery or treatment and told very few people. Kept it to myself for years. Felt guilty (because I hadn't been sure if I'd have continued the pregnancy in the circumstances), didn't feel I could tell the father as we weren't speaking, seemed pointless causing him grief too.

2nd pregnancy, married, planned, very happy. Felt very unwell and passed out at work, sent home, put it down yo hormones plus I'm prone to low bp/fainting anyway. Next morning spotting and just felt "wrong" really hard to explain and then husband took me in to get checked over. Long story short, was twins, 1 ectopic, 3 surgeries as a result and endo discovered and treated.

Emotionally it was like all the "stuff" from the 1st mc got wrapped up with the 2nd and I really struggled, swinging between being desperate to ttc again (but wasn't allowed as needed to heal from surgery plus was on medical treatment for endo that was contraindicated for pregnancy) and thinking/feeling maybe best to not even try, not risk more heartache, illness, surgery etc.

Feeling guilty (raised Catholic so some thoughts of it being a punishment for pre marital sex, considering abortion with 1st mc), feeling a failure as a woman and a wife, feeling I was unreasonable for feeling so upset considering both were relatively early (pre 10 weeks), feeling angry, scared, pissed off, scared to have sex but also desperate for intimate connection to then husband, being angry with husband for getting me pregnant, for not seeming upset or seeming too upset, then feeling guilty for giving him a hard time and trying to support him too.

Then when pregnant with dd feeling anxious, not wanting to tell people for ages, being so cautious with what I ate, drank, breathed! Again feeling a failure as a woman and a wife when medically the pregnancy didn't go great (fainting, spd, GD, spotting throughout, latter stages pre-eclampsia) then the birth went pear shaped too!

But dd is now 18, big lump of grumpy/funny/intelligent/loving and I'm so glad she's here.

I couldn't have any more, but I'm so glad she's here.

Mc brings so many emotions, so many thoughts and fears.

None of them are wrong, they just are.

You're grieving, you're scared, you fear what the future holds that's all normal.

It's a process.

You don't "get over it" you do get stronger and better at coping with it.

Be kind to yourself and your partner and try resources like the mc association if you think you'll find them helpful. Talk here and look after yourself.

@Laceygabriella I went through PTSD many years ago (although undiagnosed, as it wasn't "a thing" at the time and a massive taboo) after I was sexually assaulted as a young teenager. It only eased off after my family moved so I completely understand what you're going through. I'm still on edge sometimes and watching men around me suspiciously at times, but I found it has largely gone away with time and what remained is that inexplicable "sixth sense" when it comes to whom I can trust and who to stay away from. And that's actually a very useful skill.

Anyway, I'm talking off topic here. Last Saturday I have literally bleached my entire bathroom, every piece of it, because this us where I miscarried through medical management. I wanted it to feel different to be able to have a fresh start. Luckily we're also in the middle of house renovation so most of it will look very different soon. I'm also finding this helpful. I know things are hard for you now, but they will get better, I promise.

One positive thing that has happened after my MC is that I am finally able to talk to everyone about my mental health. For 32 years of my life, I've never done this before and I totally should have. I was more like men in that regard, I also come from a family who never discussed MH openly. Gosh, it feels good to be open now!!! So I also listen to other people's stories. And I connect with them completely differently than before. We're all vulnerable. And talking about it is extremely powerful.

I decided that I'm going to make life as easy as possible for myself. So I am waiting for my first AF before we start trying again. This is because I don't want to go for a scan and not know how far along I am. This would unsettle me. I also don't want any early private scans again because the NHS won't look at them and I don't want to wait for weeks on end for another miscarriage to go ahead, if it's meant to happen. There are easier ways of going about this which I've learnt after the event.
So I'll hope for the best. I'll test if I don't have another period so I know what I'm doing. And then I'll wait till 12 weeks. If things are good, I'll have Harmony tests. And then hope for the best.

Now, if things go wrong again, I'll try once more. If it doesn't work out, we ought to get a referral and I'm actually saving up just in case we need to pay for private treatment to speed things up.

I'm a master planner, Excel spreadsheets for everything and everything else planned 3 months ahead. But that is all I can do. And I'm leaving this at that. Xx

Hi, my partner and I were expecting our first child in January but unfortunately I’ve miscarried. I started spotting around 7 weeks, went for a scan and the EPU said there was a gestation sac but it was empty and that I was to return 12 days later for another scan. Had another scan and unfortunately the gestation sac had only grown by 3mm whereas it should have doubled in size so it was classed as a non-viable pregnancy. Absolutely heartbroken! 😭 We were given the options going forward, we decided on the medical route. I took the tablets on Tuesday evening and by midnight the worst of it was over.

Since then I’ve really been struggling, I haven’t gone back to work since last Monday (hoping to go back this Monday coming). I work in a preschool where I have a constant reminder of the thing I’m yearning for so dearly, children. Parents are also bringing in younger siblings and babies so I just feel like there’s constantly salt in my wounds. I know it’s not the parents fault and this sounds awful but I can’t help but resent them just a little. All my parter and I want is our own little family. 😔

I think I’m struggling with this even more so because I lost my mum 8 years ago at the age of 18 and I’ve never truly grieved for her. I’m hurting so much at the moment as all I want is my mum. That’s nothing again my other half or my family whom are all so so supportive but I just really wish my mum was here to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.

I’m feeling all numb and emotional at the moment, obviously I’m desperate for a baby but just getting stressed about trying/falling and staying pregnant. I suffer with anxiety and depression too so just feel like I’m drowning at the moment 😔😔