Pregnancy after loss - misdirected anger

[Shwave]

I lost a baby girl late in pregnancy just before Christmas. I am now pregnant again with a very much planned and wanted baby, but my emotions are all over the place and I’m feeling an intense anger that seems to be mostly directed at my MIL.

MIL is a very kind and loving person, but since we lost the baby she has said a few thoughtless things that have really hurt me. I know none of it was meant maliciously, and I never reacted to any of it at the time - usually just cried to DH later. But since becoming pregnant again I just keep going over and over these things in my head, and I’m actually finding it hard to be around her because I feel so angry.

Some examples of what she’s said: on the day we found out our baby had died, she told me that she wouldn’t be able to give me some of my Christmas presents now that I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore.

Then a few weeks ago she told me, just casually in everyday conversation, that she was getting rid of all the baby equipment and toys in their house since it was no longer needed. The way she said it was just so casual, like she wasn’t even thinking about the fact that my daughter, her granddaughter, should be here playing with those toys.

I might be completely over reacting, but I just feel like these comments (and some others too) just imply that our baby is forgotten about and not important.

I know my emotions are all over the place at the moment, so I’m not even sure what’s reasonable anymore. I just know that MIL doesn’t deserve all the anger I’m directing at her, but i dont know how to get rid of it.

We are going for an 8 week scan tomorrow, and if everything is ok we are going to tell the ILs after that, so I also feel mixed emotions about everyone feeling happy about this new baby and completely forgetting about the one we lost. I want this baby more than anything, but I also don’t want everyone to forget our little girl and think that we’re fine now, becuase in reality I’m grieving more for her now that I’m pregnant than I ever was before.

Hi Shwave, I'm so sorry for your loss, losing a child is devastating - i hope you had all the support you needed during that time and now when you need it. I lost my first pregnancy at 9 weeks and even 10 months later and 6 months pregnant again - the pain of that lost child is still there. I'm really sorry you had to say goodbye to your little girl. I still get weepy when I think of my first baby - we'll never forget our babies, and they know it, I know they know we love them still. I'll always wonder what could have been.

And massive and sincere congratulations on your BFP! The nervousness before that early scan can't be described - but my fingers are crossed for a wonderful appointment.

Ahhhhh MILs esp the older ones, they are a treat aren't they. I'm so sorry she said those awful comments, its like a punch when you are already down. She shouldn't have said that. She sounds super insensitive and probably a bit bitty. Have you spoken to your DP about it?

You aren't alone my MIL was the same after my mc. She had her own mcs back in the 70s so was very very supportive during the dark days .... but then the thoughtless comments and things started. Every time someone in my circle or even on telly had a baby or pregnant I got the sad eyes from her. She asked often when we would start trying again - and "best not to wait". And when we did tell the PILs that we are pregnant again (after our 12 week scan) she turned and said "but this time you'll be taking it easier and not working so hard and watching what you eat better". I shot back and said that "none of that caused it for a start and I don't work hard and I never eat anything I shouldn't - I didn't cause the MC". I was mad at her for days, I felt so judged - esp knowing she knew what it was like to lose a baby.

Also to boot - my FIL has already told us he doesn't have time to babysitting more gkids - he is just going to focus on the ones he has already. That goes for any gifts in the will too. Lovely eh.

But i've started realised - they are just an old people who are losing her social filter and its better just to shrug it off - they'll not change. I find laughing about it with my SIL helpful and if I can't do that - I just roll my eyes. Their comments wont make me upset - I won't let them.

MIL said the other week that i look more pregnant from behind than from the front - haha i just laughed and told her she always knew the right things to say.

Sorry for my own rant - I don't have any advice really but wanted you to know you aren't alone with annoying thoughtless MILs/ILs. Do you best to ignore her and get people around you that make you feel good - she doesn't sound like one of them.

Sending you so many happy positive thoughts for tomorrow!! I'll be thinking of you xx

Thank you so much to your lovely reply to my rant!!

I feel bad being mean about MIL, she actually a lovely person but just tends to say things without thinking sometimes and also has a very negative attitude towards life in general which drives me mad. Yours sound pretty awful so you’re doing well to sound so relaxed!

The scan went perfectly and we saw a little 8 week baby, so I’m instantly feeling more positive. I think sometimes I let my own anxieties turn into anger towards other people (who only sometimes deserve it... )

Sorry to hear about your loss, and wishing you a happy healthy rest of your pregnancy!

Oh I'm so happy you had a happy scan!!!! So many congratulations!!! It's the best sight in the world isn't it, a happy healthy little one. I hope they grow big and strong.

Oh yeah, mine is lovely too. They aren't nasty or intend malice. They just talk before they think. I figure if my husband just brushes it off then I brush it off and maintain a bit of distance, just to what I can handle.

You can enjoy your happy baby bubble now and she'll not be able to burst it. Chances are you'll be surprised how excited she is for you (mine was as well in amongst all the strange comments).

All the best and wishing you a happy healthy rainbow pregnancy xx