Struggling to cope-miscarriage

[Tanxste]

I’m sort of at my wits end. This is going to be a long one.. sorry! I’ve had two miscarriages since 2017. I’ve now been trying to conceive for a year.. I’m 25! I find myself asking all the time where has my life gone. I still feel like a teenager. (No need to say I’m still young I’ve heard that enough over the past 2 years) anyway honestly I didn’t really know what else to do. I’m just so incredibly sad and angry. I see people all day everyday with babies or pregnant I can’t escape it not to mention I live with my mother in law at the moment so not a moment to be alone to just scream or cry! Can I just book a hotel room to cry? Screaming might be frowned upon 😂 There’s no one to really go to, I have my lovely friends but I just feel they don’t really get it! If I do what I really want to do which is Kim k ugly cry, perhaps they will all feel awkward or sorry for me and I don’t want that. I constantly hear the same crap, “your young” “your time will come” “it will happen” i mean even my flipping driving instructor told me that. I hear you asking what about my husband., well 1 we live with his parents and siblings so no time to talk and 2 I don’t want to upset him too. I know he’s hurting too but I want to keep things happy and positive for him. I just want to talk if anyone’s feeling the same I’d love to talk.

Ugly cry if you need to! It's a really shitty thing to go through. I had 4MC, they are in the past for me now (last one in 2013) but they still make me sad occasionally. Do you have a local meeting of the Miscarriage Association near you? If not they have a phoneline - sometimes easier to be honest with a stranger. I remember being pretty devastated after my first loss in 2009 and getting chatting to a much older lady from church who told me about a miscarriage when she was much younger that she'd never grieved properly - all stiff upper lip and best not to speak of it. We had a good cry together and both felt better. Find an outlet, whatever that means to you. Wishing you rainbows in your future.

Sorry to hear of your loss and pain! But thank you so much for your reply! I just can’t seem to get it off my head! Today has been hardest so far. To be honest I’ve been thinking about it today, looked it up but decided to try this chat first 😂, but your right it sometimes is easier to talk to a stranger, but I just don’t know if id be able to let my true feelings out via phone or face to face. I find myself being more positive about the situation when I talk to others. I also find myself thinking what can anyone really say that will help this pain. I’ve tried to find answers ways to cope online but haven’t found the miracle answer I’m looking for yet 😂 I believe in God and prayer does help me personally otherwise I’m sure I’d have broken down completely. it’s also nice to be able to talk about it with someone who feels or felt the same. Thanks for your advise! Really appreciate it! Xxxx

There's nothing anyone can say to help really, but someone just listening to how you are really feeling (not trying to be positive about it) can help. Would having a little private goodbye ceremony help? One of the things I found most difficult about miscarriage is that nobody acknowledges the loss - if a friend or relative died you would have a funeral and there's an accepted ritual of grieving. I know lots of people have found comfort in choosing a special piece of jewellery or a memorial plant, releasing a balloon (though now frowned on for environmental reasons) writing a letter to the baby etc. Have you seen anything by Brene Brown? Not specific to miscarriage but she is very wise about being prepared to be vulnerable, and getting alongside people who are struggling. Try to get some time alone with your husband to talk about the loss, I'm sure he is suffering too though men deal with things in different ways.

Wow that was really amazing! Thank you so much for sharing it with me! I’m going to talk to my husband, maybe having something that represents them will help me. Yes I find that people’s reactions are difficult it’s like the video people are sympathetic but not empathetic. Maybe I just want a cuddle and a slice of cake 😂 although my friends are totally good about it, I just can’t help thinking I’m a depressing sod to be around if I talk about it too much😂. I’m going to have think about more, hopefully I can build up the courage to go to a group or something! Thanks again patchwork!

How are you doing @tanxste?

Hi! Thanks for checking up on me. Had abit of a rough week to be honest found out a good friend is pregnant (especially since she just got married and I’ve been married for 3 years 😩) I’m happy for her but I’m sad for myself. I’ve finally been able to speak to my husband. I’ve cried a lot and I’m still feeling very sad. Im figuring things out. Thank you for caring. I’m thankful to have met you here. @patchworksack

Good to hear you are working through it. It's ok to feel bad about your friend's pregnancy - perfectly normal to find that difficult when it is all so raw for you. I'm glad you've been able to talk to your husband. Just give yourself permission to feel and process any emotion that comes up. It seems to come in waves sometimes, you'll feel a bit better then something triggers off sadness again. The waves get smaller and further apart over time. You're going to be ok.

Thank you, i was really thinking about the past year and I think I was in shock, and haven’t come out of that shock till recently. Now it’s really hitting me. I think most of all it’s the pain of not being a mother, a lack of purpose. My husband and I have been speaking and we decided to go to a adoption event. I’ve always been open to the idea of adopting and fostering. Infact we tried when we first got married to foster but we were too far out of the area to foster without a second bedroom. I always thought we may adopt in the future but the more we spoke about it and I thought about it, I don’t want to wait just so I can have bio kids, I want to be a family. Will try to keep this chat updated. X

So I finally after a two month wait, managed to see a doctor at my gp yesterday. Well she said they outsource stuff like this to another company and to book an appointment with them. So I called and she had referred me to a abortion clinic! I am in disbelief!

Oh tanxste that must be a kick in the teeth! Are you sure it's not a gynae dept that does terminations/early pregnancy/miscarriage investigations? The NHS one I went to did all those things.

Hey @patchworksack it’s called nupas, and I called to confirm and the lady on phone told me they only do abortions. I’m going to go the the gp tomoz and hopefully the doctor will speak to me, considering the mistake was theirs!

also did you get referred to a gynaecologist department? It may be worth me mentioning that.

The RMC clinic is held at same department as gynae outpatients and EPU, but I would think that is different dependent on NHS trust. I hope you get it sorted, and they apologise for a pretty insensitive mistake!

Hi all, still waiting on AF to arrive. It's been almost 4 weeks since MC started. Just want AF to hurry up. How long did it take everyone else for AF to return after MC?

Thanks for the info @patchworksack, the receptionist was pretty apologiectic and said she would help get this sorted by end of week. She consulted the on call doctor and she is having a meeting with the doctor that saw me on Friday, she said if they see fit they will refer me, and if they don’t they will arrange to get me back in. I said that’s fine and I’m waiting till Friday now. Strange it’s even an option to get me back in, I’m young I barely drink, don’t smoke or do drugs. I eat healthy, I’m within good weight and Sometimes excercise haha! And obviously haven’t had a problem getting pregnant in the past! But I’m hoping they will look over all that and determine I can be referred. Otherwise I will have to push my point.

@prayingformyrainbow I’m sorry to hear your going through this! I know it’s hard and stressful. Mine came 9-10 weeks after my miscarriage, it was a stressful time. I’m here here for you if you need to talk! Hoping all the best for you! X

@Tanxste thank you. Its been 4 weeks today. Just hoping it'll hurry up x

Patchworksack, your words of comfort to Tanxste meant a lot to me too. I'd seen the Dr Brene Brown vid before, but it was helpful to view again. My second scan (confirmation of miscarriage) was only last Thursday and I'm experiencing my miscarriage now. Feeling in a lot of physical and emotional pain, but reading bits on here has been so helpful for me. Tanxste, I'm glad your talking to your husband about this now. Sending you a hug.

@therhubarbrainbow thinking about you today, I know how difficult it is. I finally got a appointment with a gyno. I will keep all updated on my journey it may help others too as I know how difficult it is to get the doctors to care. Actually the second miscarriage I received from my early pregnancy unit a letter that said If I got pregnant again I could take baby aspirin and I would get a scan at 7 weeks then every 2 weeks untill 12 weeks and progesterone pessaries would be prescribes to me at 7 weeks I think. So it may be worth both of you @prayingformyrainbow to enquire about that! I wish they had given it to me after my first!

Thank you @Tanxste that's helpful to know and I'll try to remember that for the future.