Miscarriage... 3 years later, remembering my lost baby.

[Whatsername7]

Im three years down the line after losing my baby at 13 weeks in Jan 2016. Im very lucky, I have an older dd and I've since had my rainbow baby, although I hate that term because dd2 was not a 'replacement' for the baby I lost.
Anyway, today is a tricky day for those who have lost babies and I just wanted to offer you some support to anyone who might be struggling after miscarriage. Three years on and there are several things I now know to be true: I still miss my baby. Im not over the loss and I don't think I ever will be. The grief isnt all consuming like it was in the beginning but the loss never leaves you. Every now and then it hits me and I have a good sob, then I go back to remembering how lucky I am to have two healthy dds. Miscarriage has changed me. Anytime I see a storyline in a movie where someone poas and says 'im having a baby!' There is this voice inside of me that thinks 'hopefully.....1 in 4.....' I hate that Ive become cynical like that. My pregnancy tests and scan photos are inside a teddy bear that I made after I'd lost the baby, and, despite well meaning relatives telling me it was morbid, I find it so comforting and regularly give the bear a hug. Im so glad I kept them. Im so glad the baby is buried in a planter in the garden. DH talks to the plant and it comforts him too. What others considered 'weird' was right for us then and is right for us now. Having a healthy pregnancy and baby after a mc does not make everything ok. It doesnt allow you to forget. You have to accept that you will always feel that loss. People who say 'well things worked out for the best' as they nod towards your rainbow are not helpful. I will always want all three of the children I carried and will always be gutted that I can't have that. Despite being thankful that I have two. Finally, talking helps. I talk about what happened to me honestly and do not temper my feelings of loss. Talking means other women realise they are not alone. So, if your loss is recent or if it was a while ago and you need to talk, just know you are not alone.

Beautifully written, I've lost 3, had 3 so far and fingers crossed all will be well with my wriggly number 4 now 29 weeks. It is a pain like little else, the loss of a future full of firsts, hopes and dreams. The majority of comments I received genuinely didn't help at best, or made me feel worse. The only thing that really helped me was something I think someone told me on Mumsnet, was if the baby you lost (as is quite likely) had severe health problems, you as their mother would have done anything possible to stop them suffering. So I can accept the pain of my little ones deaths more easily knowing I'm taking the pain, not them. That's what mothers always want to do. Big hugs.

So sorry for your losses. Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope you are managing to enjoy it despite the anxiety that comes with pregnancy following loss. I always liked tge quote 'babies lost in pregnancy never know fear, hunger, pain or cold. Only love'. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x