Tips for Dealing with Miscarriage

[sadtoday21]

Hi everyone, I thought I would start a new thread on tips for dealing with the physical and emotional trauma of mmc/mc. I have to confess I am starting this in the hope that someone else will have some better tips than I do. Even after three weeks post surgery, I don't really feel better or happy at all, but I want to be. So here are mine...add on if you have some too please!

Things that make the mmc a little more bearable...
1- mumsnet (obviously) and all of you ladies with similar stories of heartbreak and hope.
2 - ttc again or at least the thought of it since I am not trying yet.
3 - research, research, research and more research on all of this.
4 - DH and people who are genuinely sad you are going through this.
5 - negative pregnancy tests (ironically) to signal the end of the mmc.
6 - wine, bubble tea, fully caffeinated coffee and hot scones.

I love this @sadtoday21 ! I'm sorry you've been going through this but it's nice to see something so different. I can't think of any yet as I've been pretty numb.. but I completely agree with all your points and wanted to bump this

3 weeks isn’t long hun. Give yourself time and as much of it as you need. Allow yourself to grieve be it with your partner or someone who’s experienced it or alone. It takes time and there is no right or wrong time frame. Mine was just over 2 weeks ago and I have also found mumsnet and OH to be amazingly helpful. I’ve also had my negative test to confirm and yesterday I finally stopped bleeding.

The only other I can add at the moment is talking. If you can. I’ve found it helps as if you find you’re blaming yourself or feeling guilt, talking to the right person they will tell tell you although it’s normal to feel this way it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty. I think a lot of ladies who mc feel that at some point but there really isn’t anyone to blame or a reason to feel guilty. Bigs hugs xxx

Mochiface - I was mum and to a degree think I possibly still am but can’t be sure. It’s early days! Take the time you need to grieve. Hugs to you also xxx

Sorry that should have said I was numb 🤦‍♀️

Time heals. I think that is one of the things that I was told and it is absolutely spot on.

Also, be kind to yourself.

Also looking for tips. It's easy to tell other people to look out for themselves, to let themselves feel their feelings and to give yourself time to grieve, but it's hard to actually listen to that advice.

I'm signed off work for next fortnight and struggling with guilt, but in no physical or emotional position to be at work, or see people, or make small talk, even with friends.

My practical tip is ALL the painkillers and a hot water bottle.

Don't beat yourself up about not being up to much (okay, I am doing, but I know logically I shouldn't).

I'm also letting myself eat and drink anything I want (this week at least) while planning how to get back into body-as-temple mode for the next round (IVF).

Agree with PP about being numb. I have barely cried all week. I knew the pregnancy was unsafe from the beginning and it's almost like knowing it's over is better than the limbo I was in for weeks. I'm scared it's going to come out inappropriately.

My hospital has posters up for a mc support group so I think I'll go to that next week. It's my second loss in a year and people kept telling me I'd used all my bad luck up.

Thanks @Mochiface, I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you are doing a bit better today. I’m really struggling to say positive through all of this, but someone once told me that happiness is a choice and, even though it’s really hard, I don’t want to stay miserable all the time. I want to choose happiness, I just don’t know how. I guess it’s just about taking life one day at a time and saying yes, I was really sad yesterday and it was a horrible day, but today can be a fresh start.

@mommato3 you are completely right that talking helps. Just reading your message helped and thank you so much for that. I really want to talk about it all the time, but you ladies are the only ones who understand. And yes, the negative test does help too, just got mine yesterday :). Take care and best of luck on this journey!

@sadtoday21 I’m glad it helped. If you want to chat feel free to inbox me hun. Happy to listen anytime. Same to you too hun xxx

@Livid21 I’m so sorry you had to go through this twice and for all the pain and loss that entails. I’ve been through it once now-first pregnancy mmc at 12 weeks-and I feel like I’m dying from it. You must be so strong to endure it again.

Right now I’m finding that sleep helps and lots of mindless tv that I wouldn’t usually watch. And steaming hot baths. Fixing my crazy hormonal skin (thanks pregnancy that has cursed me) and a new hair style would also probably help a lot, if I could figure out how to do the former. Any tips?

I agree with you, I’m letting go of the whole body as temple thing for now, since I’m not ttc yet. It’s too much pressure when you feel so miserable and I haven’t been able to even look at meat for three weeks since the surgery. My food is oatmeal - and anything white, hot, and bland.

Take care of yourself xxx

@Missnearlyvintage thank you, I’m sure that’s true that time heals, I just wonder how much time? This whole process feels never-ending.

Will try to be kinder to myself, it’s just hard when I kind of hate myself for (a) miscarrying in the first place and (b) taking so long to recover from it and generally being a mess. You are absolutely right though! Best of luck for the future xxx

I’m so sorry @sadtoday21. I’ve watched about five entire Netflix series since this all started. Suitably distracting and a safe way to feel emotions, because I’m not really letting myself feel my own for some reason. I’ve also been to the cinema a lot - essentially the only safe place for me other than home at the moment.

MASSIVE TMI IN NEXT PARA WARNING

Braved going out for a dinner with friends last night (haven’t seen anybody other than my sisters or medical staff in two weeks) and I’m sure they must have thought she’s fine. What they didn’t see was that I was in bed until 6pm getting the strength to get dressed and put makeup on. That I drove so I could make a sharp exit if I needed to. That I left early because what I described as a “bit of a sore tummy” turned out to be, when I got home and out of the car, passing a solid lump of tissue the size and shape of a bar of soap. Had no idea that could even happen as I was told in ultrasound there was just lining left to come out. I mean, it was so big it was fascinating. I should have taken a picture and sent it to anyone who thinks I should be at work because it’s just like a period. (Sorry, gross. But the whole thing is so gross).

As for strength in having done this twice, it’s like the strength in doing it once. You have no choice. I KNOW I don’t have the strength to remain childless so this is my only choice. Keep going until I have a kid or the trying kills me. Sounds dramatic but that’s the way it is.

@sadtoday21
First off, don’t worry about your skin it will clear itself, mine has.
More importantly than that, please PLEASE don’t hate yourself, in any way shape or form. It was not your fault. I understand it’s part of the grieving process we go through but you have to keep telling yourself these things are out of your control. And secondly it takes as long as it takes. It was your baby no matter how far you were and you take as long as you need and don’t let anyone pressure you into ‘getting over it’ it simply doesn’t work that way. Not at all. It could take weeks or months. For some it’s years. There is no right or wrong time frame at all. Massive hugs and if you want to talk I’m here. Best of luck hun xxx

@sadtoday21 - It’s such a hard thing to go through. I had two miscarriages (though didn’t have to have surgery) and the first I put down to bad luck. The second knocked me sideways to be honest. But time only moves forward, and will haul you along with it even though it doesn’t probably feel like that at all now. I had CBT therapy (for non-related issues), and a key phrase I find helpful from that is ‘if you move your feet forward first, your head will follow behind’. It’s not a race to get back to ‘normal life’ after things like this, but at some point you will feel ready, even if not 100%, and any part of you that isn’t ready will follow on. You’ll get back to where you were and be stronger for it. And then you will be able to face new challenges with renewed energy because you can believe that you are resilience and strength to know that you can face whatever life has to throw at you. It all just takes time...

My miscarriage took forever to end!!! I started bleeding on 27th Dec (7w 4d) and 2nd Jan passed tissue and that!! But my hormones levels kept goin up!! I had false hope that it was twins and I passed 1!! But scans proved other wise!!! Hcg levels weren't goin up at the recommended levels either!! Beginning Feb they slowly start ed to drop and 20th Feb I had the all clear and levels were at 3!!! Through all the time i thought I'd got a good head on me!!! I'd had the tears on 2nd/3rd Jan when I thought it had all ended!! Now I feel desperate for a baby!!! And we not tryin yet!!! I feel lost and everyone around me announcing!!! Xx

@Gembo25 I can so relate to the being desperate for a baby. Unfortunately all my friends in my closest circle are all due to have babies in the 2-3 months. It’s a killer isn’t it. I miscarried on 12th feb and we’ve literally only just got back into action. Mine seemed to take forever to end aswell, bled for 2 weeks and 2 days. Had intermittent cramp and spotting usually late afternoon since. Happened about 4 days after I stopped bleeding them seemed to stop again. God knows even where my cycle is now!!! Hate that bit. You’ll get there and big hugs. Sorry for your loss xxx

Sorry for ur loss too!!! I was gutted when started to bleed!!! But didn't have any pain or anythin!!!! Hcg levels kept goin up so had a little false hope that I might still be pregnant (could of been twins and lost 1) had to have a d and c but that didn't work!!! Was on the verge of accepting the injection then I bled again the day before my appointment and my levels had come down slightly!!! Didn't have to have injection then as it was goin down by itself!!! It was a long 8 wks to get the all clear and now I jus want to try again!!! But I also feel so lost!! And thinkin of milestones that I would b hittin now xx

Everyone copes differently, depends on personal circumstances etc. I mc at a very young age and was distraught. Passed an intact foetus at 44 and knew it had been a great possibility due to my age. Me and dh agreed never to mention it again and we haven't. Life moved on very very quickly. For me it was the only way forward. I had to also accept no more dc for us.
Ime 'what ifs and maybes' aren't helpful to moving on and finding the strength to ttc again. It's tough enough as it is.
for all...