needing support

[Hopex3]

hello,

it's been nearly 4 months since I found out I was going to need an operation for a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks. I know it's probably all normal but i seem to be okay the 2 weeks in the middle of my cycle but i dread this week leading up to period - i dont get excited that i might of conceived again because I just do not feel positive that it's going to happen again soon. the first time took 10 months - certainly not as long as some I know but a lot lot longer than an impatient 23 (at the time, 24 now) year old would of expected. I want it to happen again so much but i actually feel completely at a loss during this week like i fall apart and i actually find my period very traumatic in itself now (lost a fair amount of blood after op). I guess I was just wondering what others found helped them not just during their periods after but in general?

such a cruel thing to go to, i go through feeling like everything happens for a reason to a real burning anger like but why did it have to happen to me when i see the worst kinds of people seem to get it so easily.

i just needed to get some stuff of my chest I guess - i have no friends who understand this either as have never been through it and a lot of people are aware of it as my partner (against my wishes) told many people we were expecting before the worst happened which I find ecen harder to deal with especially when they are quite careless around me. my partners brother was asking me the other day if i thought it would be better to have a boy or girl first!?

sorry to go on but any coping tips would really be appreciated and sorry if this was rambled xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss

Mmc is especially cruel and difficult to deal with as you’re merrily assuming all is well until it’s suddenly not and then your world falls apart in an instant and you have to go through surgery on top of the emotional trauma. I had one found at my 12 week scan and didn’t have a clue anything was wrong.

What helps will vary for everyone but the main things I’d say are give yourself a break, it fucking sucks and I have no time for the “wasn’t meant to be” stuff so don’t get caught up in that if it’s making you feel worse, and talk to people who understand. You might find the miscarriage association website helpful. They have a phone line and a lot of the stuff on there is useful in getting your thoughts straight. I also found massive amounts of help, support, sympathy and understanding on here. There are a couple of ttc after mc threads where you’ll find kind company from other women who’ve been where you are. Ttc after a loss can feel very complicated and you’ll be juggling your physical recovery with the inevitable shit of af arriving when it hasn’t happened and the emotional strain of what you’ve lost and what you’re so desperate to have. No matter how relaxed people can feel when they start ttc, the added turmoil and pressure after a loss makes things much harder.

On the whole, people mean well but often say the wrong thing, sometimes it can take your breath away how wrong they get it! It’s okay if anyone asks you questions or brings it up to politely cut them off and say it’s personal and you don’t wish to talk about it.

I wish you every luck ttc. Look after yourself and do find other people to chat to who get it as it really helps.

thank you so much for your response, im sorry that you went through that too.
that's kind if how i felt when people were saying what's meant to be will be bla bla and i started trying to take that point of view too - i end up getting really angry and thinking but why? what did I do for the better thing to be me to loose it if you get me? how is that happening for a reason?
yes it's very complicated I'm terrified it will take ages again but also worried it might happen again when (hopefully) I do fall again. if you don't mind my asking did you start ttc again afterwards? it seems to be the only thing that takes my mind off it at all but yeah it is super crushing when my period then comes - just another horrible reminder. thank you I will check those boards out - heartbreaking how many to through it. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, without a doubt most terrible thing I've been through, the crushing feeling really isn't describable to someone who hasn't been through it.

i think i need to be a bit stronger with telling people I feel upset with subjects lile that - atm I tend to sort of grin and bare it and then escape when i can and have a bit of a cry 🤦‍♀️

Hi. Didn’t want to read and run but I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago and I’m struggling too. I also had a mmc in 2000 so understand what you’re going through with that. It’s hard isn’t it hun. I can’t really offer any advice right now as I’m in turmoil with myself atm too however feel free to inbox me if you want to chat. Big hugs hun and so so sorry for your loss xxx

I'm sorry it happened to you as well :( I just don't understand it really such a nasty thing to go through. I know it sounds bad aswell and I guess I didn't really think much about it at the time but i hate the fact it will always have happened if you get what i mean like that will always be there now and if I'm lucky enough to fall again it will always be mentioned. I can't really explain what I mean I guess I was just naive in thinking i would be okay because I was young still :( due date was my brothers birthday too so feel like will always have a reminder. I think my period is coming too which as i said earlier makes me feel awful and upset seeing blood again. I actually booked a therapist yesterday evening as dont truly th ink I can do it on my own anymore, it really doesn't help how many people know either I feel like I don't ever escape it so hopefully the therapist will be able to help and support me xx

It is horrible I couldn’t agree more there. My due date was 6 days after my sons birthday so I can kind of relate to what you’re feeling there as well. Almost like another constant reminder if we even need one anyway! It will get easier in time and everyone’s time scale is totally different. You will fall on again in time and there’s no guarantees you’ll miscarry again, odds are you most likely won’t. I think you’ve probably made the best decision if you’re struggling that badly hun as professional help may do you the power of good. I’ve found that my friends knowing has helped me in a way as I know if I want to talk about it I can but if I don’t then so be it. I’ve been lucky as my partner has been absolutely amazing. He doesn’t think so as he feels useless but he has been my absolute rock. I wish you the very beat of luck with the therapist hun and please don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you’re struggling it’s a very difficult time for anyone. Big hugs xxx

yeah, honestly couldn't make this up but my manager was talking to me earlier (he doesn't know) and was talking about his partner who is pregnant and expecting June 3rd which is 4 days before I was so I always am going to witness him preparing for that - just feel like it's this constant thing I don't get away from which is why I've gone to a therapist - thought I was doing okay at first but it's all hit me now probably cos i haven't fallen again yet and there is the reality check of it could take just as long or longer then last time and i need to get back into a good frame of mind, it's never far from my thoughts atm.im glad to hear you've had good support - my partner isn't the best with his emotions (he lost his dad in an extremely traumatic way when he was in his late teens) he's 26 atm so again doesn't really have many friends who have gone through it and he seems to pretend it never happened now although he umms and ahhs in the right places when I'm ranting. I don't think that's particularly healthy either but atleast he isn't crying all the time (not like me!!) thanks again for the kind words xxx

Oh how awful... for you both - what with your boss and your partners dad 😟

Try keep your chin up... it will happen when you least expect it hun. I’d totally given up hope to be fair when I fell on. Ok it didn’t work out but it happened. And it will again for you. Hugs to you. Happy to try help xxx