Rant - what do people say to you after a miscarriage?

[Mochiface]

Hi all,

I just want to have a rant and see if I'm just being completely crazy here. I always think that when you have nothing better to say to someone in a situation like miscarriages unless you've been through one yourself, there's hardly anything you could say that probably wouldn't offend. This is my third miscarriage so when hearing the same thing over and over, it's hard to keep myself sane. I was told that there are plenty of options to make us become a parent and just stay relaxed about it. I can't stay relax because I'm just going through a loss and it's a rather difficult time. People talk about it as though I could have another and replace and it's like I'm replacing a car. This potentially could have been a living person.. and they're gone. I know sometimes people are just trying to be helpful but I think they've just really manage to touch a nerve when they talk of their job situation bring how crap and here's me. I'm not saying their work situation is unworthy of mentioning but when I'm just this upset and then there's them offering me solutions and they're getting all worked up about a job . I think they should just shift the focus on themselves. I'm just so frustrated that people need to understand there's not always an answer to everything and sorry to hear is just enough.

There isn't an answer because it's shit! It really sucks. Nobody can make that better, and they know that. So people are awkward and useless, and they say the wrong thing. It does not mean they do not care, and sometimes they really do understand but can't face their own experiences. Focus on the fact they do care. Out of all the useless things people have said to me, all the it's probably for the best, it's common, there must have been something wrong, it's natures way, what stuck with me was my baby brother, he didn't say anything, he just wanted to take me out to a fancy restaurant for dinner, he stuck by my side and never mentioned it, but he stayed close. I think the protectivenes helped more than anything, people do care, they are just not good at showing it. I'm sorry it happened and is happening to you. I'm really sorry. It sucks

Oh I've had all sorts...maybe it was for the best, someone was watching over you, everything happens for a reason, do you think it could have been stress, can I borrow your baby things...I wish people would just say how awful I'm sorry or nothing at all! Sorry you are going through this x

I am going through my first miscarriage, I was 9 weeks and the baby sadly stopped growing at 8 weeks. My husband and I are absolutely devastated and even though it is hard we are trying to come to terms with what people have been saying to you, it’s happened for a reason whatever that shitty reason may be. It breaks my heart to think my baby stopped growing and my pregnancy has ended and I have to wait got what is to sadly come next. My husband even said maybe it’s s blessing that it happened at 8 weeks and not 8 months. Even though it’s hard I know he’s right, it doesn’t make it any easier. We are both hurting so much and I wish it was a bad dream and I’d wake up soon. Everyday I feel empty, I feel like I don’t have the strength and I have good days and bad days. Hearing of people I know announce their pregnancies breaks me in two. I’m trying to take each day as it comes and please don’t think bad of me for having these thoughts.

My particular hate is that it's "just bad luck"

It's just bad luck you've had two missed miscarriages. Just bad luck that you conceived and started to grow a tiny human and then it just stopped, and no one can tell you why. Just bad luck your body didn't realise and you spent another three/four weeks believing you would hold a baby in your arms. Just bad luck it happened to you twice when it's meant to be a rare occurance.

It's not bad luck. Something went wrong. The medics may not know what or how to fix it but something went wrong. Bad luck is an excuse they use because they don't have the answers, and sometimes because they can't or won't investigate the reasons.

If your car brakes fail it's not bad luck is it? Something caused them to. Makes my blood boil.

My DH told me to “get over it.” He thinks I’m obsessing over it I guess. That probably hurt me the most. It also hurts me when people say nothing at all.

Forgot to add it’s only been a week since my mmc...first pregnancy total shock. Should I be over it in a week? Ffs

Hi @bananabobo I completely agree on the point on focussing that they just care. I'm sorry you had to go through this too and we need more people like your baby brother!

Hi @moomin11, someone's watching over you!? Like why would anyone even say that.. facepalm I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through that.

Hi @Loti92, what kind of GP is that!! When I was talking to my GP about my initial two miscarriages as I was getting frustrated that it's been months and I still wasn't pregnant, she said well.. I have a patient who had a child at 50, so you have plenty of time (I am 31). I know her intentions were to remind me that it will happen sometime and somehow but it was just like.. but I don't want to wait till I'm 50!! I'm glad the people you've encountered and have in your life are not like that one bit and I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

Hi @SparkleFairy6, I'm really sorry you're going through it too. It's just awful and no matter how short their time was with us, they were here and it still hurts. It does feel like everyone is announcing their pregnancies, everytime I open nah sort of social media and there it is. Not that were not happy for them, but just reminds us how hurt we are and how that could have been us.

Hi @Laney79, that is so true..sometimes there might not be an explanation but it's up to the medical professionals to tell us and not anyone else. I think people need to accept they don't have the answers for everything. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

Hi @sadtoday21, that is so insensitive but is it because he's also hurting a lot? Has things gotten better between you guys? Im really sorry to hear and no, you shouldn't be over it because we will never be over it. Will we be over it if it was a person in our lives who passed away ? I know it can't be compared and shouldn't be but it's a life, they made us the happiest people. My husband after my initial two miscarriages didn't say much about it all, he listened but at some points I did feel like he didn't care too much about them as he said as long as I was okay. But after the third one I realised how hurt he was.

Virtual hugs to all you girls xXx

I couldn't bear other people's pity. I didn't mind people knowing but I didn't want their pity.

The most annoying thing that wad said to me was after number 5, when the guy scanning me said 'there's no reason to suppose it'll happen again.' Err, after 5 pregnancies and 5 mcs I think there's every reason to think that! They were all research scientists in the EPU so not much bedside manner! (I did go on to have DD, but no thanks to them!)

Agree completely. I had one close friend tell me she understood some of my pain as she had lost a rabbit recently 🤨 and another who now when I tell people I'm pregnant again mentions my MC, even to people who didn't know anything about it. I find it so upsetting that when I'm trying to be happy and focus on the positives she mentions what is a personal and very sad thing for me.

People always say ' oh they don't know what to say so say something wrong ' but in my mind it's not that hard to just say something like 'I'm really sorry to hear that' etc or just keep your trap shut!

Thank you @Mochiface, I really appreciate your kindness, I’m just so sorry that all you ladies are going through such sadness also. This morning I passed some sort of blood clot of tissue or something, my husband wasn’t sure what it was either. I just feel constantly sad and just hope it gets easier.

I’ve just experienced my first pregnancy and first miscarriage, I thought i was ten weeks but sadly my baby had passed at eight. They’re worried it’s a potential molar pregnancy so had surgery yesterday. I’m already receiving comments like well at least you know you can get pregnant and there’s plenty of time to try again you’re young. I find these so insensitive, it’s so painful and I know these people are trying to help but I still lost my baby.

My worst are:

• you already have a son so...
• better to lose the baby now than after it was born as there was clearly something wrong with it (that was the Sonographer - official complaint made to hospital)
• at least you know you can get pregnant
• this wasn’t meant to be so let it go
• don’t dwell on it

💔

Two years now since my MC, and no baby... The friend who said “oh, I heard it’s easier to conceive after a miscarriage” is now pregnant with her first. Delighted for her, but I know that if it had happened to her (we’re both over 40) she would have gone to pieces... I did, inside.

My mum and step dad were really harsh with me.

We had a MMC at 10+3 after two good early scans.

My mum told me it was my fault because I was over weight and the pressure of my extra weight had squeezed the baby out (even though it was still inside me - had to undergo an ERPC eventually)
My stepdad then said that I would stink as it had been dead for a week 🙄

I received a card from my boss which literally read ‘I’m sorry your baby died.’
I’m pregnant again, currently 25+4 after 3 MC’s. I told my boss that my 20 weeks scan had gone well and everything looked good for her to reply ‘oh well, everything looked good last time didn’t it?’ Errr yes, it did but you can hardly compare a scan at 8 weeks to a scan at 20 weeks FFS.

I know it’s difficult to know what to say, having been in that situation several times myself, even I would find it hard to know what to say. People perceive things differently, while someone may find comfort in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘it just wasn’t meant to be’ others will find it extremely irritating for a variety of different reasons.

I think ultimately though, you’re right, a simple ‘I’m sorry, please let me know if you need anything’ would usually suffice.

Oh my goodness @currantbeings how awful and insensitive of people. That’s not what you want to hear from those who should be supportive. Nobody knows what you go through unless they have been through it themselves and I have been so lucky to have support from my family and friends and a few of my friends have been through it so they know I’m feeling and I can talk about it more openly with them. So sorry for your loss.

A friend of mine said " at least you can have a drink now".. I'm glad it was over text otherwise I think id have flipped out!

I really felt that those who had been through a miscarriage just new what to say but that a lot of other people were just careless. Someone else kept telling me that I would just have to get on with it.. Arghhhh

Oh my goodness saying “least you can have a drink” that’s awful, like yeah of course I would much rather lose my baby so I can have a drink. Even though it’s not nice people going through it I find it easier to talk to friends who have been through it. Don’t get me wrong my friends and family have been amazing and I know they are there for me but no one understands your feelings like those who have been through it.