No heartbeat, waiting to miscarry

[Serenity05]

I found out a couple of weeks before Christmas that I was pregnant with my second child. DH and I had been trying for a few months and I had a chemical pregnancy back in September, so we were elated to get that positive test. But I started having a bit of spotting at 6 weeks - very light and mostly brown so I tried not to panic. We went for a private scan at 7 weeks which showed a heartbeat but the baby was only measuring 6+1 when I should have been 7+2. The sonographer said not to worry - it was hard to get an accurate measurement at this size, seeing a heartbeat was really positive, and to come back in two weeks if I wanted reassurance, but I still had a feeling something wasn't right. The spotting continued but it stayed very light and brown. In the meantime though, my symptoms kept getting stronger and I was being sick multiple times a day.

I had my first midwife appointment on Thursday, at 8+6, and I told her everything that had been happening and she said it was worth going to the EPU for another scan, to be on the safe side. So I went to the EPU on Friday and that scan showed the baby is only measuring five weeks now and doesn't have a heartbeat. I think part of me knew so it wasn't a huge shock but DH and I are devastated.

I need to go for another scan this Friday to confirm and possibly discuss medical management if I don't start miscarrying naturally. Right now my body still thinks I'm pregnant and I'm still being sick and feeling exhausted. It's horrible. I feel like my body is betraying me. Pregnancy sickness is bad enough but knowing that my baby is dead and it's all for nothing is unbearable.

Luckily work have been brilliant and they've told me to take as much time off as I need. But I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I don't want to go too far away from home in case I start bleeding suddenly. I don't feel like I can properly grieve the loss of this pregnancy yet because it's not over and actually the worst could be yet to come. I'm scared about the process of miscarrying and how much it will hurt. I'm trying to stay strong for my 3 year old DS but I'm lacking the physical and emotional energy to give him everything he needs. I never thought I would be here and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I found out on Tuesday our baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and I was 9 weeks pregnant. Since then I have been bleeding (as if it’s a period) and had a few light clots. We are going away next week for a few nights so I’m worried it will happen then but I didn’t want to cancel my trip as it will do us good. I said to my DH it’s mad how all pregnancy symptoms just go, I only had tender breasts, never experienced any morning sickness. But it’s the fact I just don’t feel pregnant anymore.
I know it’s probably too much to ask but I’m wondering if I miscarry naturally what do I do with the feotus? Do I have to take it to hospital to be tested? This would have been my first pregnancy.

I am also so sorry that you ladies have been through such a heartbreaking time.

I'm so sorry @SparkleFairy6

In regards to the foetus. I am not sure how big it would be but when I miscarried at 7/8 weeks it was 4mm big (although stopped growing at 6 weeks) so I never even saw it, even though I tried. The placenta was big though, 7/8 cm long but I think that was abnormally large. Maybe I was further along than I thought by 2 or 3 weeks.

You could ask about testing but I think it's NHS policy only to test the foetus for genetic problems after 3 miscarriages.

I think you're doing the right thing not cancelling the trip. In my miscarriage I just had one evening where there was a lot of blood all at once. It was like partially set jelly. I used incontinence underwear that night but the rest of the time I just used night time sanitary pads.

It's good that you have this break coming up. It will give you time to deal with your emotions together. I hope you feel better soon and I am so sorry for your loss xxxx

Thank you I really appreciate your kind words, I’m so sorry you have had to go through the same awful experience. It’s just heartbreaking.
Can I just ask please, did you have to go hospital once you had m/c? The MW said if I’m bleeding extremely heavy to go to a hospital whilst we are away, which scares me.

I just hope when the time is right to conceive again we have some good news, as for everyone else too.
Take care xxx

@SparkleFairy6 if I remember correctly I went to the hospital as follows:

• at 7 weeks due to concerns of pink coloured discharge since before positive test, nearly 4 weeks before. They said the sac looked a abnormal and no visible heart beat yet, baby measuring 6 weeks. Told to go back in a week to check again for heartbeat but was very unlikely.

• 5 days later I had a load of bright red blood when I went to the loo (not long after arriving at work, went home crying!) phoned and they said wait a few more days until planned scan. The large amount of red blood lasted only that one toilet trip and it all but stopped after that though. I didn't feel like going back to work though as I was scared about when the actual MC would happen and how bad it would be.

• when for scan 3 days later and they said baby was very hard to see, sac had collapsed on itself. I was given choices of surgical or medical management or wait for natural MC. At first I said surgical, then after thinking for a while I chose medical so long as I could have the pain relief I wanted. That was scheduled for 2 days later.

• I went home that night and prayed very hard to God while having my bath that the MC would happen naturally before going back to hospital. I got out of the bath and went for a wee, when I wiped there was this stuff that looked like dried up super glue or something. I think it was the mucus plug. I out on a pad and about 5 mins later I felt like I had done a small wee in my pants. Checked and it was a load of jelly-like blood. I changed to incontinence underwear and continued to have these gushes of jelly stuff every few mins for a couple of hours. Sorry for TMI... I would go to the loo and with a load of tissue in my hand just scoop it in to the loo. Then before bed I changed to a fresh pair (I.e. Another nappy). But didn't have any of those big gushes over night. Bleeding next day had tailed off again to almost nothing.

• so I phoned the hospital and said I don't think I need medical management. They said come in for a scan to check. Sonogropher said there was no pregnancy materials there but a very thick lining left of 2.5cm. I decided to let the rest pass naturally. Plan was to have another scan to check lining had thinned back to normal. I could choose 1 week or 2 week wait for scan and chose 1 week.

• the next day I was walking up the stairs and something came out of me, I thought it was blood but I looked in my pants and was thinking "WTF" it looked like a kidney with a cord. It was the placenta. I phoned the hospital and said I was worried since the scan showed nothing left. They said I could go in if I wanted but I didn't see the point since it had come out.

-the scan was fine a week later, showed 3mm lining and that was it. It was really hardly any blood apart from that one night with the jelly type stuff. And I never found the MC painful not even the main night of it.

-since then..... First period was a month after the day I left work crying and it was VERY heavy!!! Much heavier than most of the MC but not the one night where I wore nappies... Was a bit of a shock as my periods are quite light normally. Was going through 4 tampons before lunch! After than I've then had a 16 day cycle and a 13 day cycle which is odd for me. Usually my cycles are over 32 days and never under 28 days. So a bit all over the place at the moment. Feel much more back to normal though apart from that.

Sorry for the essay!!! I thought since your MC is similar gestation to mine you might be interested to see some of the details, although I realise everyone is different but just sharing my story. Will be thinking of you and hope while obviously it's very sad that the physical experience is not too traumatic and that you recover physically and emotionally soon.

I really appreciate you sharing your story with me and I’m so sorry for what you have been through. I hope you are coming to terms with what has happened. At the moment feels like I’ll never get passed this but I know with the support of my DH and our family and close friends we will get through this together.
I am worried that I will naturally m/c whilst we are away next week but I’ll just have to take it easy and I’ve already got plenty of sanitary towels to take.
Thank you so much, it means a lot.

@SparkleFairy6 just try to take it easy. It you want to cry, just cry. If you want to tell people then absolutely do. We've had so much support from friends it's been a real blessing to have their help.

My husband bought me a nice candle and he said we should burn the candle when we want to just sit and think about the baby. I really appreciated him doing that. I wrote a couple of letters to the baby when it was happening and one to say goodbye. (I write letters to our one year old and have since her birth so this came naturally to me). I had a good cry doing that. Once the physical part was over I started to feel sad less often. I am alright now. This all happened in December 2018. Maybe I feel a little guilty that I am ok and moving forward though. It's so hard.

Thinking of you xxxx

What a lovely thing to do, that’s really nice. Yes our parents and close friends who know have been supportive and it’s nice to know we are so lucky to have these people in our lives.
I’m glad you are starting to feel better and don’t ever feel guilty but I know what you mean, I feel guilty if I laugh or smile. This week my husband and I have had a few glasses of wine (first time drinking for 2 months) and I feel guilty for doing that.
Once the physical part is over I want to start to feel normal or as normal as I can be so I can go back to work but I just don’t want to rush back in to it too soon.
Xxxxx

Yes make sure you don't rush. Sick leave is the worst... Makes me feel so useless and like I have nothing constructive to do. But you really need to take the time. It's so important for your long term recovery.

So sorry again you're going through this xxxx

Thank you very much @chikiTIKI, I really appreciate it.
I wish you all the luck for the future xxx

Thanks @SparkleFairy6 I wish you all the best too.

I will be here if you need a virtual hand hold at any point. Sounds like you've got a great support system though. Sending you a hug! Xxxx

I really appreciate your kindness @ChikiTIKI, thank you xxxx

You're welcome xxxx

I’ve just read these and am in tears and terrified. I have been told today that the heartbeat I saw last week has stopped. I am beyond devastated. We were told we could never conceive naturally and had been trying for 5 years. I am 40 and he is 52. This was our only chance and now it has gone.
I am now waiting to miscarry and am terrified. I have to travel an hour each way on public transport each day and the thought of being alone when I miscarry scares me. It feels as if my life is over.

I'm so sorry @kissy5
I managed ok with the physical part of the miscarriage however from the first bit of bleeding I went home and stayed on sick leave until it was over and I had recovered. The waiting for it to happen was so awful and I was so worried what it would be like.

Can you take sick leave? I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine how upset you must be. I'm so sorry for your loss xxxx

So I got back from my trip away with the husband today and even though I felt very sad it was good just to get away.
Since getting back I’ve had a lot of bleeding with clots, really bad stomach cramps and spent a lot of time on the toilet. I literally got off the toilet and felt something pass through so I sat on the toilet thinking it would be a huge clot but when I looked in the toilet there was a grey/clear round type sac. I called my husband up and he asked if I wanted him to get it out, I said no because if it was what we thought it might be I didn’t want to feel distressed looking at it. We just stood and cried but I don’t think I could have looked at it. Sorry for the tmi but felt guilty for flushing the chain but I think we did what was best for us (if it was what we thought) just because everything is already so hard and didn’t want to cause more pain.

Oh @SparkleFairy6 :( I'm so sorry.

Don't feel guilty. You have to do what you can to get through it. We all have our limits and for good reason. Sounds like your husband is being very supportive.

I'm glad you were able to go on your trip together.

Thinking of you xxxx

Thank you @ChikiTIKI, I think we did what was best for us, it keeps going through my mind what I saw so I think if I saw anymore it would have been too upsetting. My husband said we have been through enough. A part of me thinks should we of looked but I don’t think I’d have coped well.
Thank you very much. If it was what we thought I’m relieved in a way so we can try and move forward.

@ChikiTIKI and thank you my husband is being really supportive, I’d never be able to get through all of this without him.

I went to hospital today and found out everything has passed, which is a good thing as we can hopefully start to move forward. But I feel like reality is hitting hard and how awful it was being in ultrasound with ladies who are pregnant waiting to see their babies and I was waiting to see if my baby had gone 💔.

@SparkleFairy6 that's good that it has passed and you don't need interventions. I hope you start feeling better soon.

They should always offer you to sit in a side room rather than the main waiting room in these circumstances. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Xxxx

Thank you I am glad it’s passed but unfortunately still bleeding. When we went this morning, I waited outside the main room until they called us in but still seen all the pregnant ladies, I even seen someone I know who is pregnant but she doesn’t know about me.
I was given a 2 week sick note and I think do I take the 2 weeks or go back after 1, I just hate being off work as I feel so guilty whenever I’m off (which isn’t often)

Regarding the sick note... I told my boss I had a sick note but that I wanted to try going in after a few days to see how it goes. He said I wasn't allowed because of insurance reasons, unless I got a doctor to write a fit for work note. I wasn't willing to do that though because I was really quite unsure about whether I could last a full day at work. I was still getting very tired.

You should at least take the rest of this week off. You might find once it's over that the adrenaline fades away and you really are quite tired. If your job can be stressful you might find it really hard to cope with too while feeling drained and upset.

Total days off I think I had 9. One when I found out the baby I had died, then I went back to work, then once the MC properly started I had 8 days off. My sick days then ran in to my annual leave for Christmas. But since I was OK by then I did use my actual holidays and didn't count them as sick days.

I am still not very well from the MC. Thought I was recovering ok, but I got my period a month after the MC started and since then I have had 4 periods in 7 weeks and I am not waiting for a blood test result to see if I am anaemic.

I would say take it easy and rest now as recovery can be a bit of a marathon. Will be thinking of you. Hope your recovery goes well xxxx

Oh @ChikiTIKI I’m really sorry you are going through this and I hope you start to feel better really soon. It’s just so awful we have to go through this.
I work with small children do it can be very draining and hard work and you can’t just switch off or sit quiet. I have felt very tired today, kept nodding off in the DHs arms. I am still bleeding which the Early Pregnancy nurse said today it could last for upto 3 weeks afterwards. I am glad we had half term last week. I would have been off this Friday anyway as we are travelling down south to attend a wedding on Saturday. I don’t really want to go but I think I just need to and DH is best man. I know in relation to work I have to do what is right for myself and my body.
Thank you I’m going to rest now and start getting myself back to feeling normal. I really hope you get sorted and your body goes back to normal as must be awful having that many periods in 7 weeks. Xxx

Oh gosh yeah definitely take the time off if you work with children! Your overall recovery will be so much quicker. I took my turn to be on crèche at church only a few days after my miscarriage and I literally just sat there looking like a ghost. I was in no fit state to run around after children. Luckily we were over on adult numbers for ratios and I was just a spare part that day.

It’s awful isn’t it when you have little people who depend on you, so need to ensure I’m fully recovered. I guess we will all have good days and bad days but I want more good days to come. On good days I think yeah I can go back to work but I know I honestly can’t when my emotions start to dip. Take care xx