Nephew due after miscarriage
oscarlen · 30/12/2018 22:11
My sister in law is due to give birth anyday now, and I’m struggling to cope. I had a miscarriage earlier in the year and my baby’s due date was a couple of weeks ago. I feel awful because I don’t want to make things awkward but I’m really angry at them.
I had a missed miscarriage and found out at 11 weeks. I had to have the embryo surgically removed. 3 days after the operation my brother in law told my husband his partner was pregnant (with 3rd baby). He knew I’d had a miscarriage but didn’t think to be sympathetic to my husband with the news.
2 weeks later at our house, we had family round for my mother in laws birthday. I was putting food out and my mother in law answered a call from her brother. She excitedly told him that my brother in law and partner were expecting, but it was ‘another accident’ and made some joke about how many accidents can they have (other 2 kids were unplanned). It made me feel really stupid, I was just stood there, still recovering from the miscarriage, and she was making jokes about unplanned pregnancies.
Then I found out my brother in law was planning to announce the news to his grandma that evening at our house. My husband managed to stop him before he did it. I left the house to go for a walk in tears.
Later on sister in law came over to speak to me, to say how sorry she was that I’d had a miscarriage. That was nice of her, but I told her I couldn’t talk about it yet.
Then 2 days later, at yet another family party, everyone was talking about the new baby and making more jokes.
It’s been fairly awkward with my brother and sister in law since them. I’ve tried to avoid seeing them, but I love their kids and don’t want to miss out on family events. My husband spoke to his mum about it, but not his brother.
I don’t know how to react when the baby is born. I can’t face seeing them with the new baby, it really hurts. I’ve not been able to get pregnant again yet, I’m still sad about the miscarriage and they made me feel like my feelings didn’t matter. I don’t want anything to do with them, but equally I don’t want to create a bigger divide and never get to know my new nephew.
Sorry for the huge post. Has anyone got any advice?
InDreamland · 31/12/2018 10:43
I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like your mc is still very raw and with your due date having just passed too I can understand why you are feeling so low and wanting to avoid anything that will upset you more - self preservation is very important and those close to you should respect that. They may never understand if they've never experienced pregnancy or baby loss themselves. Have you had any counselling for your loss? It helps to talk through your feelings, to know they're normal and natural. Sadly none of us can control how others treat us or say following our mc's, only thing we can do is learn to cope with our own feelings and emotions which takes time and for each of us it's different. I know the gut wrenching feeling every time I see a pregnant belly or hear of a pregnancy or birth, I no longer look at social media and I try avoid as much as possible where I can control it - I went to pieces when I head the news of yet another royal baby. A family friend had a baby a couple of months ago, honeymoon baby, I've not even acknowledged the birth because I cannot bring myself to, not because of any ill feeling, just it hurts too much. I guess what I'm trying to say is do what you need to do, don't feel you have to be or feel something to please others, you need to look after your own mental health and family must support you in that. Please seek out some counselling though if you haven't had any yet, it may just help.
oscarlen · 31/12/2018 14:19
Thank you. I did go to see a counsellor at the time, but I was trying to put on a brave face, so not sure I dealt with it very well. I’ll book in to see them again. x
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