I really need to talk to somebody who understands. Feel very isolated at the moment. So here is why:
Had my daughter very young, she is almost 21 and we don't talk. She blames me for so much and says such hurtful things I cant bare to be near her. So this is the second Christmas without her and by myself.
I was told at age 19 I couldn't have anymore children without IVF due to damaged fallopian tubes. For 16 years I was trying to come to terms with the fact I couldn't have another child. Then when I was 32 I found out I was pregnant, and it was ectopic. It was very scary thing to go through, had the methotrexate and it all went smoothly apart from the heart ache and anxiety. Then last year, at 35 it happened again. This time I was with a really abusive man. He abused me throughout the ordeal which has left me traumatized.
Im so broody now, and my daughter said awful things as she doesn't understand what ectopic pregnancy is or would not listen when I tried to explain. She is obsessed with having a baby herself and said I was killing my babies.
Im literally terrified to get into another relationship or have sex incase it happens again. Im too scared to ask for the surgery although I could go on the pill. But what is really bothering me is feeling so sad and alone and I keep pushing every man I meet who could be potential partner away out of fear.
I feel like I ruined the relationship with the one child I did have and cant have anymore. I don't have any family to talk to about it.I just wonder if anyone else has been through anything similar, and if there is light at the end of the tunnel. After having a traumatic childhood in foster care all I ever wanted was to make my own family but I failed.