MIL has ignore me since miscarriage

[sakuramiyagi]

Apologies in advance, this will be a long one.

7 weeks ago, DH and I attended my 12 week scan to find out that our baby had no heart beat. Little one should have been 12w3d but was measuring at 11w4d. The hospital were poor and the process of going for surgery was traumatic (due to failings at second hospital).

Needless to say the last few weeks have been pretty awful. I've really struggled. I spent 3 weeks in the house, inconsolable. I'm back at work now and just starting to feel that I can hold things together each day. DH, my parents and DH aunt have been very supportive.

DH told MIL about our loss the day we found out. Since then she has not made any contact with me. Prior to this she was constantly in touch, checking in and suggesting names, having us visit to discuss baby things etc.

When she texts/calls DH, she will only ask how he is doing, she never mentions me or asks how I am. Last week she called DH demanding that we visit as she "hadn't seen us for weeks and didn't understand why we haven't visited."

I've struggled a lot during this time with feeling like a failure. Her silence has made me worry that she blames me for what happened. Following the last phone call to DH, I ended up in a bit of a tailspin and felt very angry at being ignored and then summoned like a naughty child.

The feelings of intense anger and disappointment have not subsided. I feel that I was only of interest to her when I was going to give her something that she wanted. I have to see her at a family party this weekend and I am dreading it.

I do understand that she is experienced a loss and it must have been awful. But as much as I try to tell myself that, I can't stop being angry!

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with these feelings?

Was I being unreasonable to expect her to show some level of concern for me after what happened?

Apologies, that was long 😩

Firstly the miscarriage was not your fault whatsoever.

But my guess OP I that your MIL thinks it is your fault. She sounds heartless.

she is either an unfeeling type or just does not know what to say to you to comfort you.

First of all, I'm so sorry. It's such a horrendous thing to go through.

Has she ever had a MC? While she's being horrific, I wonder is it stirring up old emotions and feelings.

@oh4forkssake She told DH when he went to tell her that she had a miscarriage before she married DH dad. To quote her, "I had a very early miscarriage before I married your dad, it was just like a bad period".

I shouldn't have expected much after DH told me she said that. But I assumed because she was so interested in the pregnancy, she would be concerned.

I'm sorry that happened OP.

MILs behaviour sounds awful.
What did your DH say when she called? How did he react to your tailspin?

He needs to ask what the problem is, and set her straight. Neither of you need this on top of everything else.

So sorry for your loss.

I think your husband should probably try to speak to her before the family party and explain how disappointed you have been by her reaction and ask why she hasn't been in touch with you. I'm not sure that I could forgive this unless she acknowledged that her behaviour was hurtful.

If she is anything like my MIL she would think you overreacting. When I lost ours at 15w 4d she was very dismissive. The hospital were kind enough to provide a funeral and MIL wouldn't attend because she "doesn't like that kind of thing". Her son, my DH was broken.

You MIL has shown you no support in this difficult time. Don't feel obliged to go running to her when she demands it. Screw her. You owe her nothing.

Sorry for your loss.

Oh my goodness OP. I was in your situation last year (found out at 12 week scan, had the surgery) and it takes such an emotional toll. Your MIL's behaviour is inexcusable. How dare she. Your DH needs to have a word with her, explaining that you are feeling vulnerable and that's why you haven't visited. I would also ask him to ask her why she hasn't asked after you. Would he do that for you?
Please let me know if you'd like to chat about your loss. I was you 15 and a half months ago.

@sakura. I discovered my miscarriage in the exact way you did - at 12 week scan. The hospital were shocking and told me that there would be a two-week wait for a procedure by which time " it will have come away". And when I pushed the nurse for some information on what to expect when that happened I was told the old "just like a heavy period" shite. No nothing like a heavy period - physically or emotionally!

If you ever need to talk pm me.

@sakuramiyagi well in that case she's just being vile.

I've had two miscarriages. The first could only be described as violent and was horrendous. The second was physically not much more than a bad period but was emotionally worse than the first. She's being awful.

Look after yourself - and, with all kindness, don't spend too much time focussing on her meanness and idiocy. Focus on healing yourself.

People can be so weird about these things.
I just got on with life regardless of the weird people areoynd me.
I felt so fucking awful, bereft and distressed that no one could make me feel either better or worse.
It was me & dh the only people who mattered.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and I'm so sorry for each of you who have had to go through this too

@mytieisascarf DH wants to have a word with her before the weekend. But I am worried that this could start World War 3, as she doesn't take criticism well. She will almost certainly try to blame us or me and then ruin Christmas.

@LastOneDancing DH had been getting progressively more angry with her texts/calls and wanted to have it out with her. Since the summons call, he hasn't spoken to her. He's been amazing, even when I told him MIL was a witch and that I would never speak in her presence again (Yes, I went there, I feel horrible for saying it now).

My mil burst into tears and had a "wake" well a family gathering. All in black and lit a candle when I lost my first.
It's hard enough dealing with it yourself without others getting involved.
If that's the way she wants to be well that's that. I haven't told her about any of my other miscarriages because it's just too bizarre

Different people handle things in different ways. She might be grieving in her own way or really unsure what to say.
Her early mc comment is not uncommon.

@BorisAndDoris I have a horrible feeling that she may think I am overreacting or as @greendale17 said, she thinks it is my fault.

The most frustrating thing about this whole situation is that she was a nurse before she retired. She should have empathy for other people!

@giftsonthebrain I do understand that she is grieving too, and I try to take that into account. I maybe am partly in the wrong for feeling the way I do. But the other part of me feels that I did deserve better treatment from her.

I think it better to let dh speak to her now than potentially have everything blow up nearer to Christmas.

Plus your dh knows his mother and knows if this is likely to be an issue.

Are you meant to be spending Christmas with them?

You may just be delaying the inevitable by asking him not to say anything. She's behaved appallingly and needs to be told so and hopefully will behave better if pulled up.

I've had 2 mc the first I dealt with alone (not recommended) the second family knew. My then in laws were lovely and supportive. My dad even (and he's not the best) was good too - my mum was a bloody nightmare! She pops kids out like peas had no problem getting pregnant & no mc yet spoke as if an expert while also being dismissive of my grief. Did irreparable harm to our relationship.

Unfortunately some people are insensitive thoughtless twats! Be prepared for her not being the only one to make a stupid comment I'm afraid.

I hope you recover physically ASAP and that your dh continues to be supportive emotionally.

I do know have a lanky streak in the next room who's almost 18 and was my rainbow baby. Don't lose hope.

@Graphista I'm so sorry that your mum wasn't supportive. I hope we will be lucky and have our rainbow baby too.

My worry about DH speaking to her now, is that she will throw her toys out the presents (apologies for the expression) before Christmas. She does have form for going no contact when people question her or point out when she is wrong.

I probably sound a bit daft, but I've been using Christmas as my thing to look forward to and I don't want things spoiled. Then again, me squashing down disappointment and anger probably won't make for a nice Christmas.

Repressed hurt & anger + high expectations for an event + booze = disaster.

If she's gonna throw a tantrum best now than on the day and if need be you make alternative arrangements for Christmas at this point you have time to do so.

I think your husband speaking to his mother before the weekend is a good idea; hopefully it will clear the air. If it doesn’t, stay at home at home for Christmas.