Not coping after miscarriage

[Rah01]

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice. I've never posted anything on here before and not even sure anyone will see it! I had a missed miscarridge this time last week. I should have been 12 weeks but a scan showed that baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and 1 day. I opted for the surgical route and the doctors and midwives also said this would be best because of the risk of a high amount of blood loss. The couldn't fit me in until 5 days later and needless to say it all kicked off that evening. I ended up having a huge bleed at home and then got rushed to a&e. I passed another few huge clots in a&e and the staff thought that was it. I then ended up having painful contractions and the doctor decided to try and remove the rest of the blood clots. She actually ended up removing the feutus. It was all so horrific. I went for a scan the next day which showed I still had pregnancy tissue remaining so i ended up in theatre anyway. My bleeding has now stopped but I'm on strong iron tablets as I'm now anemic from the blood loss and they are causing me migraines. We decided to bring baby home to bury and have bought a tree to plant in our garden with baby. Since its all happened my friends and family have been great but as soon as I'm alone I have absolute breakdowns and can't stop crying. It doesn't help that I haven't been able to tell my mum and dad yet as they're on holiday. When I'm around people I can act like I'm ok (especially in front on my 3 year old) but alone it's a different matter. I feel like I'm never going to get over the trauma of it all and feel so so sad that I should have been sharing my happy news with friends and family. I've been so desperate for another baby and I know im lucky as i got pregnant relatively quickly but I've heard so many stories of women having multiple miscarriages I don't know if I can do it again. And if i do manage to get pregnant how on earth am I going to get through the pregnancy. I also had a private scan at 8 weeks which showed a strong and health heartbeat so my chances of miscarriage should have been less than 3.5% yet here I am!

Oh my lovely. Your post took me back to when I felt exactly the same.
I had a mmc with my first pg. scan at 13 weeks revealed it. ERPC.
It broke me.
I sobbed and sank into a depression. I wailed and sat blankly staring. I felt like I would never crawl out of that hole. Ever.
I was desperate and terrified to try again.
DS is now 15. I have a DD too.
But I will never forget that loss.
You need to allow yourself to grieve and give yourself permission to behave and do whatever you have to. You must be kind to yourself.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Rah01, so sorry to read your story but please know that you really are not alone in feeling this way. You pretty much articulated how I feel at the moment after a recent mc at 16 wk.
I wasn't given the option of the surgical route but had a big (and bloody terrifying) bleed at home the day before I was due to be admitted to hospital for the medical management. With just my 3 year old at home with me when it all started to happen it was a pretty traumatic.
Last week we buried our baby and the very next day I got my period - a stark reminder that technically my body is ready to try again, although emotionally I know I am nowhere near ready. Pregnancy is meant to be such a joyous time but I can't forsee anything but sheer terror if I do fall again.
Like you, I function around people and fall apart when I am alone. For me I guess that I feel like my mourning grace period is up so I feel that I have to keep it private now.
I know from reading many threads on here that the feelings you have described are so normal but unfortunately there is no crystal ball certainty about what the future holds, or a simple mechanism for accepting a miscarriage and moving on.
I wish you lots of luck for the future and hope you find some peace in coming to terms with what has happened to you. X

So sorry for your losses, I really feel for you all, I am going through the same. I went for my 12 week scan today for my first pregnancy. I had no idea/ no symptoms that anything was wrong until I saw the tiny baby on the screen and no heartbeat. It had stopped growing around 7-8 weeks. I was expecting to be celebrating with my friends and family but instead I’ve had to tell them all the sad news. It’s devastating, have been crying all day. I have an appointment on Wednesday to discuss my options but pretty sure I’ll opt for the surgery, I’m in so much emotional pain, I could do without adding physical pain. I just want this to be over as soon as possible. I wish my body had aborted it weeks ago as the idea of having carried a dead baby for 5 weeks is unbearable. I am lucky my partner has been really supportive. I am comforted by the hope of trying again in a couple of months, even if I know I will be so nervous next time. Trust that it will get easier. Sending love and healing xx

My story is very very similar and I ended up in a&e with huge blood loss. It’s such a horrific thing to go through and I’m so sorry you went through it too.. I hope you find strength to try again. I can’t believe you are anemic, I was too.. I wondered how common this would be to go through this kind of miscarriage. I’m in the same position and terrified of it happening again!

I'm so sorry for your losses and the pain you're in now. I had a mmc about 5 weeks ago when I would have been 10 weeks. I thought I was doing well but yesterday crumbled and had to get sent home from work when I heard 2 people were about to announce their pregnancies. The thought of having to watch 2 women I work with go through a pregnancy that I should be having just rips my heart in two. What I have learnt is that I'm not fine and I really need to let myself cry. Like you @Rah01 I would be fine in front of people and cry when I was on my own and it hurt to cry and feel the pain so over the last few weeks I've kept myself so busy. I don't like being around people but I've practically refurbished the whole of our downstairs rather than let myself think about the loss and pain.
After yesterday's announcement I'm taking today off and then will have 2 weeks of from Friday. My family have been told I can't celebrate Christmas this year and my husband and I need some time alone to grieve. I don't think they get it but at the moment I need to let out everything I've been holding in.
Although it's painful please give yourself time to feel the pain. Like you I'm also terrified of being pregnant again but that's (hopefully) the future. Right now we need to grieve, heal and mend our broken hearts.
Lots of love. Xxx

It sounds like your going through the exact same as me! I'm so so sorry. I find it slightly comforting to know that someone else understands what I'm going through although it's horrible to know that we are united only by grief and loss. I've been the same as you @Runner31 and have been keeping so busy (hence me taking a while to respond). I did take 3 weeks off before I returned to work and I feel like that time has helped but I'm worried about how I'll be able to deal with things in the new year. My work has offered me councilling which I think I'll try. Could that be an option for you? I'm so sorry you are going to have to deal with watching those women go through their pregnancy after what has happened to you? Do they know what has happened? It might help them be a little more sensitive if they do (although I also totally understand you not wanting the world and his wife to know). Your comment about refurbishing your downstairs made me smile as my focus has been on filling my house with Christmas sh*t. Anything to keep me busy. I think your totally right to spend time dealing with your grief over Christmas. Don't worry about what others think. Your grief is your own and only you can deal with it. You can talk to others and people will listen but ultimately it's your own journey to go on and no one can tell you what is right or wrong. I'm going to turn my focus to my health and exercise in the new year and hope that I can in some way move on. I keep wishing I could go back to the 'old me' but I know this has changed me forever. I wish you all the best of luck for the future and pray that we meet again on a happier baby related post xxx