Missed miscarriage at 12 1/2 weeks feels so hard and unfair

[birdseed]

Went for 12 week scan late wed afternoon and found baby had died. Absolutely devastatd. Far harder than we ever expected. Thought that we had done the risky 12 weeks and were out the other side. So incredibly difficult to come to terms with, especially as had no bleeding or pain and so no warning at all. Just a nightmare day out of the blue, when we were planning to ring up all our friends to tell them we were pregnant.
And after all the morning sickness.

Have to go for ERPC today and they tell you to expect to wait for 2 hours beforehand in the early pregnancy until, which is same waiting room as antenatal clinic where we booked in last week. Seems so insensitive and so hard.

Woke up at 4am and it all felt so raw all over again.

Only good thing was getting a helium baloon and writing a message to our baby on it and letting it go in the park. Think that helped a little.

I had no different care the second time round, i thought I should have but apparently until you have three on the trot they don't do anything different. I won't say it will be easy next time, because it isn't, I was worried sick the first 12-15 weeks of this pregnancy, kept expecting the worst, but it did make me be far more careful over everything. I am now just relaxing into it all. Try and be positive and take it one day at a time. Good luck

Sorry, didn't read your full last post properly... don't worry about ectopic pregnancy next time, I had an erpc too, best way to go about it imo, it means you get back into your cycle much quicker, I got pregnant again in December after the erpc in oct.

Not sure if its the same at all Early Pregnancy Units but in Edinburgh you are eligible for an early scan (usually at 8 weeks) if you've had a miscarriage before - mainly for reassurance purposes.

Birdseed - so very sorry for your loss. I was on Jan thread with you. The helium balloon was a lovely idea. Take care and get plenty of rest xx

Plummy - thanks for your kind message. I do remember you from the Jan thread. I read on another thread that you are having a tough time yourself for various reasons - I hope that it gets easier for you.

birdseed - I don't know if this helps at all but if you need to speak, I've been there. The last pregnancy I had, we went for a dating scan at 7 weeks and there was our little 'un heartbeating away. went back at 12 weeks with our money for our picture and the baby had died somewhere between 8 weeks and then.

I found the best thing to do was to get a picture (I had a D&C and they have to take pictures for that i don't know if you can have that) i look at it each morning and kiss it goodnight each night.

if you feel like crying do it! doesn't matter where you are and also find someone to share it with. Apart from your partner and he needs the same.

Sorry to hear it happened and big hugs to you, I wish you luck in the next time and they say that those who have a M/C the first time have more chance of a healthy preg next.

xx

Hi Jenwish, thanks for message. they offered us a photo at scan and said would put it in an envelope for us to look at another time....but when we opened it the next day there wasn't a photo, which was pretty upsetting at the time.

Also have been for ERPC already so no chance of a photo there.
But have the photo from the 8 week scan when we too saw the heart beating.

Doing ok at the moment. Spent the first 36 hours seemingly taking it in turns with dh at sobbing our hearts out, but feels much more bearable now. The worst was waking up the first couple of mornings and realising that it all was real and still true.
Thank you for your message.

Birdseed, in comparison with your situation my worries seem so trivial. I am shocked at the care you received post m/c but unfortunately not totally surprised. I think you made the right decision going for the ERPC as I was coerced into waiting and it took 3 long weeks.

this happened to me - it does get easier. I just wanted to say I know how you feel and am sorry.

the helium balloon was a lovely idea

Emotions seem to go up and down. Don't know if others have found that.

Today seems to be a tough day. Maybe because I am meant to be meeting up with my friend who had twins 5 weeks ago. She has been very considerate and got someone to look after them, but I think that it will still be hard.

Going back to work at the end of the week. So will be just over a week off but one day of annual leave in that time (booked beforehand).

How long did anyone else take off?

Don't rush back birdseed, but you may find it helpful to get back to "normal". I was only working part time, but took a week out for myself. I found it easier to be honest with people too - i hadn't told any one i was pregnant, but i tols then all about the miscarriage incase i lost it on occasions.
I had no special treatment when i got pregnant again, in fact my doctor refused to send me for an early scan because the NHS resources were strectched enough, so i paid to have a private scan, just to put my mind at rest. I spent the first 4 months worrying that the baby wouldn't make it, i found a fetal heart rate monitor helped me though this stage, till i felt him move. Then i spent the rest of the time dreaming up morbid situations! I know have a beautiful baby boy. A year to the day that i found out about the missed miscarriage i had a few quiet moments to myself, and said a prayer for my unborn baby.
I don't know if this helps, it helped me, someone put it in a post last year:

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown

Hi Birdseed. I wish I had done some things differently and this is why I post. But please
take into account that we all react differently to grieve and some things that were not good for me might be for you.
I didn't take any time off, because I thought the distrcation of work would be good for me. That was a mistake and I broke down two weeks later. So I think taking at least one week off is good.
Grieve comes in waves and you might find it gets a little better only to find yourself very low again. The other thing I would do differently was that I continued to spend time with my pregnant friends as if nothing had happened. I looked at their scan pictures etc. which in hindsight was a big mistake. There was a break in all my friendships with pregnant women, sometimes months later. They sailed through their pregnancies and had little understanding that I continue to grieve for my lost child. I experienced them as very insensitive going on and on about their plans etc., but maybe this is what they had to do and it would have been better if I had sought more distance intitially. I wish you a lot of strength -- I found only women who had gone through the same could give me the understanding I needed.

Hi birdseed,
so sorry for your loss. This happened to me too (missed m/c discovered at dating scan, followed by 2 week wait, then erpc when it didn't happen naturally) and it was so heartbreaking. It did get easier over time, although I eventually needed counselling (Pregnancy Crisis were brilliant) to deal with it when I got pregnant again.

Re care when I was pg again, it wasn't different, but I did have a really understanding doctor who understood how scary it was being pregnant again and did humour my fears. It might be worth making sure you have a doctor you feel happy with for the first terrifying weeks. I also bought a feotal (sp?) heart monitor which did save my sanity.

All the best and take it easy on yourself and expect to have good days and bad days
xx

This happened to me last year, but I went on to have a beautiful baby daughter exactly a year later (to the day), so stay positive. x

thank you all. It helps to hear your comments

hello, so sorry to hear about your loss, i had the same at approx 10 weeks. it is hard all your thoughts and dreams are put into this beautiful life. my self and my partner went to the sea we both wrote a letter to her(we named her) and told her about our love and hopes for her and then put them in a bottle and threw them to the sea. we felt somehow a release knowing that are feelings were out there. we feel she is with us still just waitin g to meet again. we went on to have a beautiful son some months later. dont rush your feelings just take time together and cherish each other. hope this is of some help.

Birdseed - I don't know if you remember me from the New Year thread. I missed your sad news as I was on holiday and I just wanted to say how very sorry I was/am I hope you are ok. I lost a baby at 10 weeks in March so I do know the pain. Take care hon

Hi birdseed, now unfortunately in the same boat as you. Had spotting at 11 and a half weeks, scan next morning and was told baby had died 4 weeks earlier. Had ERPC on Wednesday. Up and down a lot too. Know exactly how you feel so sending you lots of hugs xx

hi birdseed, i went through the same thing as you 3 times....i went to the docs as soon as possible after finding out i was pregnant again,after explaing my anxieties to him he reffered me to the epau to be looked after there.....althought it was a better help to me im afraid it didnt stop the innevitable from happening,but i have now got 2 beautiful children so there is light at the end of the tunnels.........hugs to u x

Im so sorry, Ihad simmilar exp 2x and also an earlier m/c. But now have 2ds. Just wanted to say the balloon idea is a beatiful idea, it good to do something constructive. Also had some prob at hosp being in same room as antenatal with all those happy couples looking at they scan pictures, its awful hosps should really change it

Hi birdseed, I remember you from the Jan thread as well. So sorry about what you've been through, and especially how you were treated. Hope you're feeling better soon x