In the past four months since losing my little boy, I’ve barely stopped long enough to take it in. Especially over the last month or so as we’ve been facing an impending eviction, the autopsy results and consultation came through, I’ve had numerous doctors appointments for one thing or another aswell as two children to care for, one and ten and plenty of phone calls to make regarding one housing issue after another housing issue. Not to mention all the packing we’ve had to do and everything that comes with being kicked out of your home with nowhere to go. So this evening, whilst my LO had his daily nap...later than usual...I went and had a shower and then ran a bath to relax. But that isn’t what happened... I didn’t relax. I thought. I thought about my baby. At first, it was all nice things, picturing the day I get to hold him in my arms and see him looking up at me and smile for the first time. Not seeing his eyes is something that has really stuck with me so picturing that made me smile. But then other images were popping into my head. When I put him into his coffin, by which time he was about four weeks old, (because of the time of year family members had holidays booked etc so of course he was even more fragile) I was so scared of something bad happening as I moved him but then his head flung back and his mouth came open and it made me scream. I cried and apologised over and over. So I’m sat in the bath and I try to think of nice things again, his little pink face. Holding him in my arms and the feeling it gave me just being close to him. But then the time I walked in to the funeral parlour and the director had put make up on him and he looked absolutely awful popped into my head it was so horrifying that I gasped!! It hadn’t been done with care and I ended up putting it right myself. So again I try to picture his beautiful face and his older brother holding him, how perfect he was and I smile to myself briefly before the worst vision of all comes into my head. It’s black and cold and I can see a Moses basket on a rocker, going from side to side, the basket and the hood are black too and he’s crying, just crying constantly and no one is there to pick him up and comfort him...this is hell. I’m sat in the bath completely frozen, I feel so heavy and I can’t move. I want to get out because I need to make these images stop but I can’t. I can feel myself start to panick so I try to call my partner but he can’t hear me. I manage to eventually get myself out and I go into the living room where my partner is and he starts talking to me about something else but I say nothing. He asks me if I’m ok and I said no. He asks what’s wrong but I can’t tell him because now I’m thinking about it again and I’m getting upset and the more I do i can feel my throat getting tight and I’m trying to control it but my partner is now panicking which is making me panic even more. Within a few more seconds I’m in a full fledged panic attack that’s lasted about five minutes but felt like forever. I’ve never stopped thinking about him so it wasn’t like this was the first time I’d let him enter my head by far...even I had tried to block him out I wouldn’t have been allowed to because everything I watch has something to do with miscarriage or stillbirth or children dying, so why did this happen today. Has anyone else had these kinds of images? Is my baby in hell? Sorry it’s so long and thank you if you’ve read it all