Stillborn - help for friend

[Namechangemum100]

My friend has recently lost her baby at 21 weeks. She had to deliver her. The details are so deeply upsetting I just cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through.

I desperately want to help her, but I don't know how.

What do you do or say to someone in this situation. If you have lost a baby how would you want your friends to treat you? I text her everyday just saying that I don't expect a reply but that I am thinking of her.

I so want to do right by her. Any advice appreciated.

Tell her exactly that and send a bunch of flowers or something. Maybe don’t text her every day- suppose it depends if she replies

As in say to her- can’t imagine how you’re feeling, I really can’t think of any words at the moment, so sad for you but I desperately want to help in any way I can. Give her a hug if she needs one and be there if and when she needs to talk

Sorry for your friend's loss OP. It's so sad. Just tell her how sorry you are and that you're there for a hug and shoulder to cry on if she needs you. I've posted a link to a helpful resource on the miscarriage association website.

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/simply-say/

Hi OP I lost my baby at 27 weeks last year. I think your instincts are good. Keep checking in with her, doesn't have to be every day but just let her know that you are there anytime she wants a chat or a hug (or as one of my best friends out it, someone to scream at that wasn't my husband).
Practical things are stuff like drop round food parcels etc, but check first that they are ok with that.
I remember every single entire person who spoke to me about my little girl. Who asked me if she looked like me or her dad. She may want to speak about the birth, I certainly did. I felt that was all part of her story and that not being able to speak about it made me feel like I wanted to explode.
Personally all the flowers we got had to go outside as I couldn't look at them dying in the house. We got a lovely plant from our neighbours and have now planted that in the garden.
SANDS have loads of different leaflets with advice for friends and family. They are good.
Also any little memory items you think of are lovely to have. My sister got us a star at night poster which is the constellations on the night our daughter was born.
It's a long road for them and many people won't be able to support them in this as they just get lost. You sound like you really don't want to be one of those people so just be patient. Remember even though this awful thing has happened she is still herself.
Let me know if you have any specific questions, I am happy to help.

@miami81, I am so sorry for your loss and thank you so much for your advice. It's really helpful.

I bought her a necklace with his name and date of birth on in the hopes that she would like seeing his name written and she seemed to like.

I guess what I am unsure of it the tense in which I should refer to him, I know technically it's past tense but it seems insensitive when his life was so short.

I also don't know how much I should ask her about him, eg what he looked like etc. I feel like although I don't know what it was like to go through, I would still want to gush over him? Maybe I'm wrong, I have no clue.

Also, any advice for how to help dad, he's hubby's best friend but typically closed up personality but deep down he is very sensitive and I know he will be hurting.

Thanks again, it's so helpful.

A colleague I didn't really get along with went through the agony of a stillbirth. After a few weeks she came into work to get some bits (shop) and when she said hello I just said how so sorry I was and asked a couple of questions about him. She opened up about the birth, what he looked like and other things. She said most people didn't say anything and she really loved being able to talk about him for a change. She felt he was still her baby with his own personality and life even though other people hadn't met him.

After that our friendship grew and we are now close friends. She always says she remembers how differently I treated her baby, as though he had been a living person. He obviously had been a living baby to her, she felt him move, heard his heartbeat and saw him on scans

@Namechangemum100 I know for me and for a good lot of loss moms the most important thing is to acknowledge our babies.
The necklace sounds gorgeous.
You are right, we are still their parents and our babies are the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. It is lovely when people are brave enough to share that with us. I wouldn't worry about tense. Believe me they will know that it's difficult for others and will appreciate that you want to talk about him.
In terms of the babies dad it's really just letting him know that he has you guys there to listen anytime.
My husband found it really hard that people always asked him how I was and they don't ask how he is. So just making sure that he knows that he has support is important.

Google and read a wonderful but sonsad BBC article titled Ask me his name. It's an extract from a bigger book I think and its about a mother's experience with baby death and it's beautifully and so honest written from a heartbroken mother's point of view.

@herethereandnow...thank you for this, I have just read it and it made for a sad but enlightening read.

@miami...thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me, I really hope I can support her in the way she needs.

I am so sorry for the loss of your friends baby, it's lovely you want to support her.

I lost my baby 7 months ago at just over 20 weeks. One of the things I wanted was people to acknowledge I had given birth to my beautiful baby. I wanted people to mention her by name and ask about her.
I needed someone to just sit with me, let me cry and let me talk about my baby as much as I wanted.