Helping partner deal with miscarriage

[MeredithGrey1]

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks about 6 weeks ago and my OH and I were both devastated. He’s not a big talker about emotions etc. and since the miscarriage I thought he was dealing with it fairly well. I sometimes make quilts and started a baby one when I was pregnant and last night when he was out I got it out to work on it some more – I haven’t worked on it since the miscarriage but feel like I want to finish it and keep it for when we do have a baby. Anyway, he was out last night and had a few drinks (he wasn’t drunk but tipsy) and when he came home and saw the quilt he completely broke down. He talked about how upset he’s been, how he hasn’t wanted to talk about it because he doesn’t want to worry me/wants to look after me, and he even said he’s been struggling at work. As I said, he’s never been big on talking about emotions and I know that tonight, with no alcohol, he won’t talk about it again and will shut down. Up to now I haven’t pushed him to talk about it and have assumed (wrongly it seems) that he was coping with it in his own way. But obviously he’s not and now I don’t know what to do to help him. He's been so great supporting me and I feel so awful that he felt like he had to protect me from his feelings. I know its hard to know what to do, but any suggestions?

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a horrible experience that no-one should have to go through.

It's so lovely that your DH wanted to protect you ans be there for you even if it meant neglecting his own need to grieve. Maybe counselling for him might help? My DH comes along to my counselling sessions and it helps for us to both talk through how we feel about the mc. If you think that might help then NHS Healthy Minds is the best place to start, you can self refer I believe, or encourage him to visit his GP. Trying speaking to him and bring up what he said and tell him it's ok to talk and encourage him to open up. He needs to feel it is safe for him to talk and that you will be there to support him like he is for you. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship if he wanted to be strong for you and you're clearly concerned about how he is feeling. Hopefully having a chat with him and making him realise it's ok to open up will help so you can be a support to each other.

Hope both of you can heal emotionally from this