How to cope with friends reactions to MC

[julygirl]

Hello all, I've just recently lost my first pregnancy at 9.5 weeks and had the operation just yesterday. I know its early days but I'm a little saddened by my friends and family reaction to it - we've known about the MC for almost a week and we've received some lovely messages of support - I've had a few messages to meet up for a chat or out for dinner.

I'm at the stage where I need to get out of the house and need distraction but the offers seem a bit hollow now. The few friends I've reached out to make plans next week for something have been had non-committal replies or they have other arrangements with no counter offer. They are happy to chat on the phone but seem frightened to see me. Of my two dearest friends, one is 6 months pregnant and the other thinks she might be after a year of trying. I know it must be a scary thing to see me and have the threat of MC in front of them - I must represent that to them now.

I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet M on my coat. I know its so early in the process but I'm already feeling lonely and guilty and my head is buzzing with such sad thoughts about this experience.

I can't help but feel a bit angry at them. But I think i'm probably just emotional and maybe a bit unrealistic (selfish maybe?). Am I expecting too much?

Can’t offer much advice - I’ve had 2 Mmc’s and a mc (not in a row) I had my medical management for the second mmc on Monday evening. Only 3 people (school mums) other than my husband and children knew I was pregnant...hadn’t even told my parents I was pregnant and so haven’t about the mmc (last time they were abysmal and we didn’t speak for a year afterwards). Im now left avoiding my Mums calls because I can’t just pretend I’m totally fine but don’t want to tell her the truth - mainly because she’ll likely say something totally inappropriate and I’ll get massively hurt, cross then angry and we could end up where we were last time! I know just how you feel about getting out and keeping busy. I go from ok to feeling down to bereft and back again over minutes. There’s part of me that wants to run away and part that wants to curl up, cry and wallow. Sorry...I’ve offered nothing constructive - people are strange and have very differing views on mc.

I'm so sorry your Mum has reacted the way she has - how utterly terrible for you. What a way to make a sad situation heinous. I hope someone along the way pulls her aside and gives her a good shake for the pain she is making you feel. I'm on the roller-coaster of emotion right now too, all I want to do is talk to anyone about anything - the sitting around thinking about it is driving me crazy with grief and whatifs. I haven't had the time to process what I'm feeling but I need it to come out - I'm not sure I need counselling yet - I just need distraction and an ear. I feel like we are all in this awful club which no one wants to join and no one really wants to ask about. I hope you have a kind person in your circle to lean on.

I had a mc at 7 weeks, but I didn't want to accept I was pregnant in the first place. Some years later I fell pregnant again and at 22.6 weeks I went into labour and my little girl died. Everyone kept saying sorry and you are still young enough, but that's the worst thing I think you could hear. I've been through loss and I still wouldn't know what to say to someone. I'm now 49years old and going through the menopause. So please don't leave it to late to try again after your loss. Good luck and all the best :-)

I know exactly what you mean Julygirl, I’m lucky to have a couple of friends who keep checking in on me and my husband. It’s been just over a week since my medical management and I’ve been out the house a few times but feel like I need to try and get myself back into society before I’m due to go back to work (that in itself feels like a ticking time bomb). I think these days if someone hasn’t been through something like this they really struggle to relate and are terrified to say the wrong thing, when in all honesty just to be there for a hug and to listen would be enough. Hope you are doing ok, sending you hugs xx

Hey july, just wanted to say hi and let you know you're not alone.

I lost my lo at 10 weeks, got scolded for becoming tearful by not so DH on route to scan to confirm all was not well. His actual words were 'I thought we were passed this?' I had started bleeding 2 days before, so obviously only needed 1 day of grief.

That was 8 years ago, can you tell I still hold the scars? I have tears rolling down my face just writing this.

I would to say to you get over it but you don't you just learn how to live/work with it in your heart.

I have my beautiful rainbow baby who has just turned six and hopefully a STBXH.

Some people just don't know what to do, but you have to let that go, your own heart needs all your effort/attention so don't let anger at anyone else stand in your way of looking after yourself.

Keep talking about your LO as much or as little as you like, other people inability to cope with your grief is their problem not yours.

Take care of yourself xx

Oh weak, you dont sound weak at all. You sound so resilient to deal with a mc and a mean spirited husband. What an awful thing to say.

Thankfully my husband isn't like you STBXH, and is kind and comforting.

Thanks for your advice, I know it's uncomfortable for others and I think until this happened to me, maybe I was uncomfort in this situation (don't really know many friends who have had mcs though).

I don't think the gravity of what happened yesterday has really hit me yet and I don't want to feel so lonely and isolated when it happens.

Thanks for your advice, take care of yourself too x

Hi,

Sorry you are going through this. I have just miscarried (MMc detected at 12 w. It died at 8w4d). The physical process was traumatic to say the least.

I have found some people tremendously supportive and some people simply awful. When I’m in a kind forgiving mood I think it’s hard to know what to say/everyone’s got their own lives etc. When I’m feeling dark I just think it isn’t good enough and I never want them close again. The truth is probably somewhere inbetween. The most disappointing were my in laws who visited but said absolutely nothing at all to me. Don’t talk about it and it’s ok??? She texted a couple of days later with some tripe about thinking the best thing was to ‘keep stumm’. I tried explaining how hurt I was that I was left to guess they cared. She replied - we do care. I cried when we found out. I know I sound a bit mean but that just strikes me as hysterical old woman drama which I hate.

Anyway, I’m pretty clouded at the moment. The best I can say is to focus on the friends and family that do support you adequately. Also, come here and talk about it. Tbh I never appreciated how tough miscarriage was before I had firsthand experience.

Hi Babylonlost - I lost ours at 8+4weeks as well, its just horrendous. I'm so sorry this has happened to us.

I have the same swings - I can be very reasonable about it and then completely desperately alone and angry. I can't believe your inlaws have treated you this way, please ignore/avoid them and like you say, just surround yourself with those people who are kind and lovely and supportive. If ever there was a time you be a bit (not the right word but) selfish - this is it, put you and your DH first and focus on loving yourself and each other.

I'm having a much better day today than yesterday - I hope it lasts for a bit longer today. I've reached out to people I love and trust but didn't know i was pregnant and its been lovely to hear the same reassuring messages again. I don't feel quite like the "Miscarriage Lady" anymore. Talking about it with lovely friends has really really really helped me.

I had no idea the level of confused grief that comes with miscarriage either - its beyond awful.

Julygirl -we probably had similar due dates. It’s so sad isn’t it. I am finding things easier then it hits me that two weeks ago I was pregnant. I am sure it will always be like this, just less intense.