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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Unsupportive partner through my Miscarriage

6 replies

Nicola1402 · 05/09/2018 01:44

Hi. Really going out my head at the moment, and really can’t make sense of all this. I had been seeing my now ex boyfriend who is 35 and I am 39 for nearly a year. I have 3 older children. I met him once before on an evening out with friends. I was upset that night because of my boyfriend at the time had an argument and wasn’t getting on, and he made a bee line for me and we chatted. My relationship ended a while later due to being emotionally tormented and locked in his flat. A few months later the guy I met out had started chatting on social media with me for a while before I eventually agreed to meet up. He was lovely such a gentleman and couldn’t do enough and explained that I was also having a tough time anyway with my mum having cancer. He made me feel so special, and then I had a friend who knew him about 15 years ago and warned that I didn’t need someone like him in my life as he was a controlling bully. I ignored this as he was picking me up from everything that was happening. He completely went over the top at Christmas and wanted to do everything to make it special. I was so taken back by how he was, but This started to fade off over the next couple of months and Mum was getting worse and so was I. I felt so depressed and anxious about losing her. He would run away after petty arguments which then made me feel insecure about us. He was always going on about his car, or his new kitchen. I would try and say how I’m feeling etc and would constantly change the subject. My birthday is on valentines and I could tell he didn’t want to make much effort and we didn’t do anything, I was upset but didn’t want to make it out as if I expected anything. Mother’s Day I was made to feel bad about spending what I knew would be my last with my Mum. He had other ideas to go for tea with his parents, but I couldn’t commit as Mum was not in a good way and now on a breathing machine, but made me feel bad about this and was left to feel upset the rest of the day. I was so upset that my children, last minute took me out to eat. He wanted to break up with me over this, and had to try so hard to get us back again. We did but was up and down between us. I was feeling more down and now feeling insecure. I felt like he was there but wasn’t. My mum passed away in March and took this badly and he was supportive during her funeral, but now I look back he said ‘let’s get this day out the way and then you can get better’. During the funeral car journey he made the trip more about him and at the wake it was all about his new cuff links. Again 6 weeks after, he’s wanting to break up with me again due to me not going over to his for one night because I just felt I needed a bit of head space and maybe time to grieve. In may. 2 months after Mum passing I found out that I was pregnant. He was not happy at all. Wanted to go straight to the doctors with me to talk about options for me to get rid. He said we hadn’t planned it and keeping it wasn’t an option. I said that this isn’t fair to not allow for me to consider keeping it. I started having bleeding and pains 12 days before the miscarriage happened. I was told it was a threat and was put on bed rest. He came to one hospital appointment out of several. Scan on my own. I felt degraded and he knew that I didn’t want to do it on my own. He decided that this was the time for all the love that he was showing and all the care to be switched off. He was leaving it 4 days at a time during this with no contact and not even seeing if I needed anything. And live 5 minutes from me and has to pass my house several times a day for work. I would then have a blunt message here and there, so I really felt I couldn’t go to him anymore without feeling I had to beg for him. The next call was the day after the miscarriage to say if he knew he would had been there and now I’ve heard nothing else from him. Just an invoice in the post asking for payment after servicing my car and a wave as he drives past. I feel so broken and don’t know what to do. I constantly blame myself and what I did to deserve this.

OP posts:
InDreamland · 05/09/2018 08:41

I'm so sorry for your loss. No-one should have to experience a mc, its such a shit time. Right now you need to take all the time you need to heal emotionally and physically from this as you're the priority at the moment. Focus on yourself and what you need. That guy, your partner, sorry, I cannot think of anything nice to say about him from what you posted and TBH it sounds like you're better off without him in your life, he sounds awful, selfish and toxic and no good for anyone. Just get him out of your life, he'll only make you feel worse.

Please, if you feel up to it/ready speak to your GP about counselling for your loss as what you're going through is a bereavement. It's natural to blame yourself, I did (still do) the same and it's hard to get out of that mindset as you replay every day you were pregnant wondering if this or that caused it to go wrong, despite everyone telling you it was not your fault! It wasn't your fault but it will take you time to realise that and maybe counselling can help. I hope you have good support around you at this really terribly time, maybe friends or other family. Sending you hugs Flowers

Aw12345 · 05/09/2018 08:43

Very sorry to hear of your loss, very very sad whenever anyone loses a precious baby. I agree with pp, get support and counseling :-) you've had a very tough time Flowers

K0013 · 05/09/2018 09:55

I am so sorry firstly for your loss and secondly that you have not had the support that you deserve through this awful time. Please do not blame yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Is there anyone you can turn to for support? Sending you hugs xx

healthylife · 05/09/2018 13:38

Sorry for the loss you through a very hard time of your life some people buy abortion pills to terminate their pregnancy

Nicola1402 · 05/09/2018 16:39

Thank you Indreamland. Its just so hard. Just can’t stop crying at the moment. Yes I do keep replaying everything now, as I just can’t work out how somebody can do that. Live so close and to just carry on as if I was nothing, and I’m here trying to work him out and how he could be so cruel and heartless. He promised my mum he would look after me and done this. Lots of emotions. I’m already on the waiting list with cruse, with my mums passing and have been in contact with them again to see if it can be brought forward. Everyday is a real struggle and just so draining. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do about him, but know he has caused too much damage to be able to go back.

OP posts:
Nicola1402 · 05/09/2018 16:52

Thank you koo13. My mum was always the person I turned to, but am on the waiting list for counselling. No I didn’t get the support that I needed and instead withdrawals all love and care that I thought he had. Even the texts would no longer have kisses at the end or he would sometimes leave it hours or over a day to respond. I should never had felt like I had to beg for him at the time I needed him most.

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