Mmc and my husband is over it

[whattodo89]

I can't believe this has happened to me. I have had two perfect pregnancies and stupidly thought this would never happen to me. But I knew something was wrong, I booked a 'reassurance' scan to discover I've had a mmc. Booked in for d&c next Wednesday.

The thing that's killing me is my husband's complete lack of understanding. He was upset the first day, now he's 'over it' because it wasn't meant to be, never developed, wasn't a baby etc etc. I know some men (perhaps women too) feel this way but it's him shutting down any attempts I make at talking about how I'm feeling as being dramatic or over the top. I was due April 1, he cannot for the life of him understand why I'm dreading that date. He can't believe it. He just keeps saying at least it wasn't further along etc and I should be positive. Positive! My dead baby is still inside me!

He's a good man and overall a good husband but he's just on a different page entirely with this. I am actually looking for people to tell me they've experienced similar and that he's not an arse. Eveytime I try to talk to him about it it ends in an argument. My family and friends are great and supportive but I just need some one to tell me he's not a terrible person because I'm so angry and upset and confused.

So sorry OP

I know it's no consolation but I'm sure my DH would react in the same way. It doesn't mean they are bad people, i just honestly don't believe most men can ever truly understand

Sorry to hear your news @whattodo89 {flowers}

MC affects people in different ways. My DH bounced back quite quickly from ours, the more we have had the easier it seemed for him as he ‘didn’t really believe it would happen’ whereas as for me it became more devastating.

He doesn’t mean harm from it, just not a big one for grieving, being down or indulging in self pity. He’s a nightmare to get sympathy from when you’re sick - he trained to be a doctor too, thank god he switched, he has an awful bedside manner!

MC for men is different. They aren’t carrying the pregnancy, they don’t get the hormonal surge, their brains are probably not pre-planning every detail of the pregnancy and the life after it.

They probably want to seem strong too, and not upset us by sharing their worries and insecurities. Some are just not good at talking about feeling, particularly when they are not sure how they feel themselves.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve and process everything. He may need that space too, he’s maybe not ready to talk yet.

I'm so sorry for your loss @whattodo89. I think men process it differently. They won't have the same bond with the baby or feel connected to the pregnancy like we did because it's not their body, they aren't carry the LO, growing that new life and aren't experiencing all those physical symptoms. My DH was devastated when I mc'd but he has picked himself up much faster whilst I still keep break down in tears and feel all sorts of negative emotions. Out doesn't make men bad but it's just they are not likely to feel it in the same way because of biology.

Take all the time you need to process what has happened and to heal physically and emotionally

I think everyone reacts differently to MMC. I’ve had two, on the first DH reacted worse than I did. My view on both was something catastrophic must have been wrong and MC was for the best. I’m not saying this was a right or wrong reaction, just that we all respond in different ways.

Be kind to yourself and grieve in the way you need to xx